Dolphins – The Dicks of the Sea

Really, the title says it all. Have you ever seen dolphins on the hunt? They surround a school of fish and then do strafing runs picking off stragglers. This is some fairly standard hunting behavior and it doesn't necessarily make them dicks. What does make them the dicks of the sea is that the mock their prey as they feed. What sounds like clicks and whistles to us translates to something much more insulting. I spent several weeks trailing a pod of dolphins, learning their language and ultimately being accepted as a member of the pod.

At first I tried to apply Morse code to the clicks. This got me nowhere. Then I tried a mathematical progression of clicks based on a very complicated formula. This too got me nowhere, but it might have been because I'm a math retard. Finally I decided to step back from the situation. So I boarded my research vessel, the S.S. Chunderson, and locked myself in an isolation tank for what could have been days. I don't know, theres no clock inside it. With the help of some transcendental meditation and about 6 tabs of LSD, I finally had a breakthrough.

So back into the water I went, fluent in dolphin. I thought I'd break the ice with a joke about airline food. They didn't get it. I guess they didn't have a frame of reference. So I thought of a new joke to break the ice. It went something like this: What do you get when cross a mackerel and a sunfish? Click click eeeeeee! It got a huge laugh.

I joined the pod on many hunts, eating more fish in those short weeks than I have in my entire life. I had seen wildlife documentaries about how dolphins hunt but for the first time I could understand what they were saying. As they picked off fish from the school, they would click back at them some very offensive, borderline racist insults. And even though I assumed they had no concept of religion, a lot of their remarks were anti-Semitic in nature. It was then that I began to feel uncomfortable and I did my best to hide my Judaism, despite the fact that my circumcised member was on display for them all to see.

Their dickish nature didn't stop at offensive racist remarks. They would pull pranks on eachother which usually consisted of them convincing a mark that their offspring had been swallowed by a Megalodon. Dolphins are apparently unaware that Megalodons have thankfully been extinct for many million years (See: Mega-Shark vs Crocosaurus to illustrate the potential horror). They would also rocket up to larger fish, even whales, and poke them with their bottlenoses. The poor whales were too large to do anything but squeal "Stop it!". It was like picking on the fat kid. More than once did I see a dolphin scribble on a piece of kelp the words "Wide Load" or "Kick Me". I didn't understand the kick me one because dolphins don't have legs, but I'm sure they got the irony of it.

It was funny for a while until they turned on me. I suggested casually that we stop for a tuna melt. Little did I know the growing tension between dolphins and tuna. They had formed an uneasy treaty years earlier but tensions were running high in recent months. The mere mention of the word tuna was enough to send the pod leader into a rage, a rage which he turned on me. He butted me unmercifully with his nose. It was only after I kicked him in it that I managed to get away.

I write to you today to warn all of you out there of the impending war between dolphins and tuna. The seas will run red with the blood of these factions and we, as humans, will be forced to pick a side. Instinct says to side with our mammalian cousins, but after seeing what utter dicks they are, we're better off siding with tuna. Dolphins may be intelligent but that just means they are more able to think of horrible ways of inflicting pain and humiliation. DON'T TRUST THE DOLPHINS! LONG LIVE TUNA!