We Know More About Dino Sex Than Mitts Taxes

I think I officially love The Huffington Post. They ran a story today called "19 Things We Know More About Than Mitt Romneys Tax Returns". Here's a little bit of back story for those who have had their head under a rock. Presumed Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney has so far refused calls to release his tax returns, even though they're a matter of public record.

You know the T.Rexs are married cause they don't look
at each other while having sex

Included in this list is:
What space smells like
The language of prairie dogs
What dinosaur sex looked like

It's a pretty ridiculous list of things we know more about than Mitts taxes. Admittedly it's a mostly unnecessary list that is definitely politically biased, but it's a funny list.

Youtube Monday: Lets Go To The Mall

It's Youtube Monday again. There has been a drought of posts lately as I've been concentrating on other things but I could never forget the glory of Youtube Monday. Here is a wonderful music video I found from early '90s Canada. It features Canadian teen superstar Robin Sparkles singing about what I assume is her favorite activity.

So for those who haven't figured it out, this is actually a clip from How I Met Your Mother. Robin Sparkles is actually Robin Sherhoweverthehellitsspelled, the annoying perpetually single female in the group. For those who grew up in the 1980's however, this is a throwback you'll never forget.
Anyway, I'm currently working on a couple short stories that I hope to share with you all. Enjoy life.

Gold Medal

Hey look I wrote another story. I call this one "Gold Medal".

                “Come on! I can do better than that!” Chris yelled at the tv. He couldn’t do better than that woman on the U.S. Volleyball team. He couldn’t do better than a cheerleader with a limp, much less an Olympic level volleyball player. The team had a real chance at the gold this year.

                To put it nicely, Chris was a douche. He was a talentless loudmouth who spent his days on his in a cubicle. He was between five-foot-four and five-foot-six and nearly five pounds per inch. Chris was a pig in all respects. He always scared her and bought her forgiveness with clichéd romance. And that was the worst part. It was who he was doing it to.

                Lily was an amazing woman. She was the smartest and kindest woman who had ever walked those halls. But she had left and the vacuum could not be filled. That was when Bruce knew he loved her. Bruce had been a teacher at Cambridge Polytechnic. That’s where he met Lily, during her year away from home.

                Lily and Bruce were best friends almost immediately. This concerned Chris but he was too far away to do anything about it. At first there was nothing physical but the more time they spent together, the more tension built. It helped that it was a hot day in Cambridge the first time they made love. They both immediately knew it would be forever. Lily decided that she will visit home in a couple weeks and break up with Chris.

                At this point she had been home for a few days and seen Chris more than once. Lily was just too nice; she didn’t want to hurt Chris. So she found herself watching Olympic volleyball with Chris, trying to find the right words to break up with him. She loved Bruce and couldn’t lie to anyone anymore, including Chris.

                Chris was transfixed by the US Womens Volleyball Team. There was a slight lear on his face.

                “We have to break up” Lily blurted out. She instantly regretted her words. She may be in love with Bruce, but she still cared enough about Chris to not want to hurt him.

                “What?” Chris quietly asked, obviously taken aback by the sudden gust of emotion.

                “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I just think it’s best we stopped seeing each other.” Lily was on the verge of tears. She had never done anything so heart-wrenching.

                “What did I do?” Chris sounded hurt, like a child finding out his parents are divorcing.

                “It’s not you “Lily couldn’t believe how clichéd she was about to sound so she checked herself. “I just don’t love you like you love me and I don’t see the same future you do. I’m really sorry”

                “You’re sorry? There’s someone else isn’t there? It’s that Bruce guy isn’t it?!” He was hurt, he was angry. He had every right to be.

                Lily bit her lip. She found it harder and harder to look at Chris. Her eyes had filled with tears and were about to burst. But she held it back as best she could. She knew the one in real pain here wasn’t her. Worst of all was that he was right, it was Bruce. But how was she going to say that?

                “I’m sorry.” Lily squeaked out, choking back her tears. She still couldn’t look at him but she knew Chris was crying. She just wanted to get out of this situation. She wanted to run. “I’m so sorry”

                Chris couldn’t speak. He was choked with rage and tears. He wanted to find Bruce and hit him. Hit him again and again. But he knew that wouldn’t get Lily back. He was flooded by the sudden realization that it was over with the woman he thought he was going to marry.  He wanted this moment to end so badly. He wanted to be alone. He wished this cold bitch would get out.

                Lily couldn’t take it anymore. She needed to get out. “I’m sorry”, she let out as she grabbed her bag and headed for the door, thanking god that she didn’t need a ride home. The only question she had was whether to call Bruce on the way home or wait until she stops crying.

                Ultimately she knew she had made the right decision. She loved Bruce and he loved her. They were a pair. Lily cried all the way home, looking forward to talking to Bruce over Skype, sorry for the pain she had caused.

               

                Bruce was watching the US Olympic Volleyball Team playing against the Chinese. He had no idea what was going on, but Bruce was just watching while he waited for Lily to come home. She was stuck at work and it was Bruces turn to make dinner. The lasagna was baking slowly in the oven. The US led by 4. It was starting to look like they would get the gold.

The Olympics: Thoughts and Observations

Not having much to do besides not playing video games, I've tuned in to this years Olympics more than ever before. So far, here are my thoughts, numbered for my own convenience.
1. Go 'Merica.
2. Geographically speaking, England is such a miserable place that their best beaches are indoors. Team USA has a player that looks like Lex Luthors gawkier younger brother. And why the hell is beach volleyball in the Olympics to begin with?
3. On that note, there are some sports that do not deserve to be in the Olympics. This is literally the fourth American Volleyball team that I've seen. Maybe pare that down to two. 
4. Mitt Romney was at the opening ceremonies because he owns a horse that's in an equestrian event. Think about that when it's voting time.
5. Why are we so fascinated with swimming? The difference between winning a gold in 100m freestyle and winning a gold in 200m freestyle is very little. Just because someone wins 8 of them, some relay style, does not make him or her (it's a him) the greatest Olympian ever. First off, thats Zeus. And second, he's not winning gold in swimming, sprinting and gymnastics.
6. Speaking of gymnastics, I have two main thoughts. The first is damn, that is some cool Spiderman stuff. The second is more disturbing.
Little girls are in very tiny onesies that are so tight and sparkly, you can tell which of the girls has flowered into a woman. Of course the answer is none because they're gymnasts. The point is that their uniform really does border on naked in places. I understand it needs to be tight and that does not bother me. What bothers me is the 15 year-old in panties flipping around the tv. Pedophiles everywhere are glued to their tvs. 
The men don't have it much easier. They might be able to cover up their upper thighs and butts, but their uniforms are so tight you can see who's circumcised. I'm pretty sure one guy on the German team has three balls. 


Keep watching the Olympics, god knows somebody has too.

Youtube Monday: Learn To Fly

It's Youtube Monday and I don't give a damn about the Olympics. Honestly, there are no sports at the Olympics that I watch and enjoy. So here's an unrelated video today. I hope you enjoy Learn To Fly by the Foo Fighters.

I'm personally fond of it for the cameos by Tenacious D. Gotta love the multiple Dave Grohls.:

Death Is A Cool Guy, Part Five

Not a lot from me this week, I know. It's somehow been a very busy week. But I present to you the fifth and final part of my story Death Is A Cool Guy. Still need to change that title. Hope you enjoy it.

We had been sitting in silence for what seemed like hours. It was hard to if the ambiguity of time was due to the event we just shared or the pot we smoked to try to forget it. It didn’t work. I knew there would be no forgetting this.

                Ted Greenfield. That was the dead mans name. I saw it on some mail on the way out. I’m not sure how we got back to my couch, things were kind of a blur. I kept seeing the fear in Teds eyes. If his heart could beat, I’m sure it would have been racing. There was something else that was bothering me but it was hard to put my finger on it.

                It took a few more minutes for it to hit me. We were standing in Teds apartment for almost five minutes before he saw us. We were standing not six feet from him, talking to each other. Yet Ted had no idea that we were there until his heart stopped. The question was just in front of me but I was still forming it, still trying to figure out what the question was.

                “Hey Death, can I ask you something?” I finally spoke. I honestly had no idea how long the silence had lasted.

                “You just did.” It was funny but I felt like he knew the question I wanted to ask and was avoiding it. “No, I’m just kidding, go ahead.”

                “Well, that guy couldn’t see us until his heart stopped. But I can see you. I see you all the time.” I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to notice the oddness of my situation.

                “That wasn’t really a question but I see what you’re getting at. Usually people can only see me when they’re close to death. That instant between when they die and when I collect their soul. But we’ve been hanging out for a couple weeks now” 

                For some reason I got the feeling Death was holding something back. Up to this moment I had never imagined Death as being able to lie, outside of telling a joke. I had to call him on it. This is my life we’re dealing with.

                “What aren’t you telling me?” I asked him.

                “Are you sure you want to know?” He asked in return. This is not the first time he’s asked me this. I thought for a moment about the gravity of that situation. Did I really want to know this time? I paused to think about it but I knew my curiosity wouldn’t be able to not know.

                “Tell me”

                “You shouldn’t have been able to see me that first time. I could see that you were coming close though. It was still too early for you to be able to see me. But you seemed cool with it so I figured we could hang out before you…”

                “Died” I finished. I was furious. I considered Death a friend and he seemed to do the same. How could my friend lie to me about this? What an asshole.

                I suddenly realized I was calling the Grim Reaper an asshole for keeping this secret from me. I was mad at Death for jeopardizing our friendship. Then I saw Death for the first time, fully. His head was held down a bit and he was avoiding my face. His body language is screaming shame. This wasn’t a physical anthropomorphic representation of death, this was a lonely man looking for a friend. I felt a flash of power, knowing that I could hurt Death. Then immediately it was replaced by guilt because he’s my friend.

                I started laughing at the absurdity of my situation. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. Death looked surprised at first and then joined in the laughing. I’m not sure if he knew what it was I found so funny, but given that he could read minds, I’d say there’s a good bet.

                After a solid five minutes of laughing, I finally wiped my eyes and casually asked “So how much longer do I have?”

                “Hard to say exactly” If he was surprised at my sudden question, he hid it well.

                “Will I get to say goodbye to my wife?”

                “I’m pretty sure. I’d say you have at least another week. Are you going to tell her?”

                I opened my mouth to answer and nothing came out. I honestly wasn’t sure. I love my wife and I wanted to spare her from the pain of that knowledge. But she’s my wife, she deserved to know. How do I tell her? How do I explain that I found out I’m dying because I’m friends with Death? Every question led to two more questions. It was like a hydra of anxiety was attacking my mind.

                “I don’t know” I finally squeaked out.

                “I can’t offer any advice on that. But ask yourself these two questions: Would you want to know? And secondly, Do you have the time?”

                Without thinking I glanced at the clock. It was 5:26 pm. I turned my head back to Death to answer him but he was gone. Beyond the void he left on the couch, I could see the door. The knob turned and my wife came through the now open door.

                “Hi babe” She greeted me with a smile, despite her long day at work.

China Is The Leading Manufacturer of Sex Toys

Just when I think China can't get any more ridiculous, they go and prove me wrong. Last week, 18 police officers in Shandong, China spent more than an hour rescuing a woman from the river. It was only upon pulling her out that they discovered it was an inflatable sex doll.

Apparently nobody stopped to wonder why the naked white woman with the expressionless face wasn't responding to their calls. They probably just assumed she couldn't speak Chinese. It would seem that Shandong is a big producer of sex toys for export. Usually they put them in boxes and ship them via mail or cargo ship. They must have been trying a new means of local delivery.
This comes off the heels of last months reporter who mistook a male masturbation toy for a large and rare mushroom (warning: the images on the link cannot be unseen). The young female reporter poked and prodded the toy, noting that one end has a hole and the other looked like a mouth.
After her colleagues at the station realized her mistake (and stopped laughing), they issued a statement of apology, saying that she was young and didn't know the ways of the world. I'm not exactly young anymore, but even I don't know that way of the world.
So todays theme is China's sex toy mistakes and the hilarity it causes. How is it they became the most populous country on Earth with such a poor understanding of sex?