China Is The Leading Manufacturer of Sex Toys

Just when I think China can't get any more ridiculous, they go and prove me wrong. Last week, 18 police officers in Shandong, China spent more than an hour rescuing a woman from the river. It was only upon pulling her out that they discovered it was an inflatable sex doll.

Apparently nobody stopped to wonder why the naked white woman with the expressionless face wasn't responding to their calls. They probably just assumed she couldn't speak Chinese. It would seem that Shandong is a big producer of sex toys for export. Usually they put them in boxes and ship them via mail or cargo ship. They must have been trying a new means of local delivery.
This comes off the heels of last months reporter who mistook a male masturbation toy for a large and rare mushroom (warning: the images on the link cannot be unseen). The young female reporter poked and prodded the toy, noting that one end has a hole and the other looked like a mouth.
After her colleagues at the station realized her mistake (and stopped laughing), they issued a statement of apology, saying that she was young and didn't know the ways of the world. I'm not exactly young anymore, but even I don't know that way of the world.
So todays theme is China's sex toy mistakes and the hilarity it causes. How is it they became the most populous country on Earth with such a poor understanding of sex?

Two Dongs Don't Make A Right

I'm starting to get concerned. The zombie apocalypse may be upon us, for real this time. At this point we've all heard about the Miami Zombie. Well it didn't take long for a Chinese rip-off to hit the net. Last week in Wenzhou, a drunk Chinese man attacked a woman and ate part of her face. Hang on a sec while I run to the bathroom to throw up.
Anyway, Mr. Dong (I swear that's his real name) reportedly stumbled into the street where Mrs. Du was driving. She stopped short at which point Dong jumped on the hood of the car and started pounding on the windshield. Mrs. Du got rightfully spooked and tried to jump out of the car and run away. But we all know you can't run from a drunk Dong.
Dong tackled Du and started biting her face. It took several people to pull Dong off of her and when they did, her face was bloody. Doctors so far have stated that she'll need at least 2 surgeries. Dong was apprehended by the police and was captured "alive". I use the term loosely since he will now be known as the Chinese Zombie.
Reports are that he drank almost a liter of baijiu. For those who don't know, baijiu was created by the devil in an attempt to destroy mankind. Unfortunately the Chinese developed a taste for it. It averages 40-60% alcohol and can strip paint off a boat. I know I like to be colorful in my descriptions but baijiu really is as bad as I make it out to be. Anyone who says they like it is either a raging alcoholic or they want people to think they're cool.

Baijiu was involved in the creation of this photo

I have had to be poured into a taxi after drinking a fraction of that much baijiu. Dongs friends (who we shall refer to as Balls) were later found all passed out, a common reaction to baijiu. Dong is currently being held for aggravated assault, but I feel like that's not descriptive enough for him. Attempted Zombification sounds better.
To my reader I tell you this, stock up on clean water and dehydrated foods. Arm yourself but don't rely on guns. Most importantly, stay inside and barricade the doors and windows. It's time.

I'd Give My Right Kidney For An iPad

I feel like I haven't brought you any stories of good old Chinese ridiculousness in a while so here we go with a couple great ones. This is going to be a challenging article to write as its around lunchtime and I'm already thinking about dumplings. First a little background is needed. China has the Xinhua New Agency, state-owned and the leviathon in the pond.
Anyway, Xinhua is reporting a story coming out of Hunan province. A 17 year old boy sold his kidney to buy an iPhone and an iPad. The boy called Wang really wanted in on the Apple trend. He wanted to be one of those cool people you see on the bus playing an awesome game, perhaps about unhappy birds, while talking really loudly to their cool friends who also have iPhones. I am one of those people, except I don't ride the bus.

Couldn't find a related pic so, all glory to the Hypnotoad

Anyway, enough of my luck with phones, this kid Wang is having some kidney problems now. Predictable as he only has one and presumably is an alcoholic now to deal with the fact that he didn't wait for the iPhone 4S. I could go on about how this is a truly disturbing example of popular consumer culture having a clear and literal negative effect on a persons well-being. And how it's awful that instead of saving money to pay for healthcare or food, his first and only thought was a trendy new phone.
Instead I'm going to make sarcastic remarks. Remarks like, I knew iPhones were expensive but I didn't know they cost an arm, a leg, and a kidney. If he had sold his appendix, would he have gotten an Android phone? What can he get for selling part of his liver? Is his iTunes account MissmyKidney@me.com?
Can he now call this people and order some whale meat? I actually found this next article a few weeks ago but just haven't been able to find the time to work it in. It starts off simply enough, with 4 whales beaching themselves and dying in Jiangsu province. If I had a nickel for every time I've said that, I still wouldn't have much money cause its only nickels.

Gotta truck this baby out to the beach

The natural response to a beached whale is to try to get back into the water. Not necessarily to save its like, but to get it the hell off the beach before it starts really stinking. Given that whales are really heavy, like heavier than 10 fat chicks, this is a difficult process and often takes days to get the right tools and machinery.
Meanwhile, why let that meat go to waste? That's right, it was only a matter of time before locals showed up to start carving up that meat. I've chosen not to show you pictures of the whale all butchered up. You're welcome.
Much like the above story, I'm flooded with questions. Is there that much of a food shortage in Jiangsu that people need to meat-riot a whale? What does whale taste like? Are all whale cookbooks in Inuit? Can I substitute whale for tilapia? What's the best way to cook a whale? Is there a barbecue big enough for the task?

Foxconn: What Does That Name Mean?

News! That is all.
I was just told I should elaborate so here we go. There has been a lot of talk about iPads lately, namely the release of a new one that, much like the old one, I can't afford. To be perfectly honest, I have no use for one but they are so cool I still want one. I feel like it would match my iPhone and maybe make it less lonely.
Anyway, todays iPad news is coming from, where else, China. Like most things in America, iPads are made in China. Go ahead, take a minute and look around you. Check the tags on your clothes and the bottoms of electronics or anything else. Chances are it says "Made in China". For some quick background, iPads are made in China by a company called Foxconn, with factories mostly in the south of China.
Well reports are coming out about labor violations in Foxconn factories. First of all, I didn't even know China had labor laws. True story, I once saw a guy welding on a Sunday evening wearing nothing but flip-flops and shorts. No shirt and certainly no safety glasses, much less a welders mask. I've seen workers literally hanging out windows to install air conditioners. That's why when I saw this report, I figured it must be really really bad in a Foxconn factory.
I was picturing workers chained to their desks, getting whipped while Communist propaganda plays loudly.

Those workers are way too animated

Anyway, instead of the hilarious scene above, workers were reporting extreme dissatisfaction with pay scale and hours (join the club). For example, Foxconn factory workers acrue overtime in 30 minute increments, which means 29 minutes extra means no overtime and 59 minutes means only one unit. As an American, that sucks. But for a Chinese worker, that's still pretty decent. In fact this is the first time I've even heard of overtime pay in China. Seriously, that's not a joke.
Workers were paid above the legal minimum (again, didn't even know there was a minimum wage in China) and always on time. But almost 65% of workers reported being unable to cover their basic needs.
I'm going to pause for a moment to editorialize. I lived in China for 5 years and was paid in Chinese currency at Chinese rates and was able to live very comfortably. I will admit that I did not live in the major metropolis that is Shenzhen, but cost of living was pretty damn cheap. I could literally feed myself three meals for less than 4 American dollars. Transportation was cheap. Rent was cheap. Granted, I wasn't providing for a family, but I feel like I probably could have on my salary.
What are these workers spending their money on? They're getting paid well above minimum, which in China is more than enough to live on.
Of course the majority of workers are of the migrant variety. China has a floating population of roughly 300 million migrant workers who travel from their countryside towns to the big cities looking for work. This often lands them in factories or working construction. They live in workers dorms which suck more than the dorms at any American state university. I'm looking at you UMass. The dorms are usually not heated with no hot water and there are up to 8 people crammed into a dorm room. And you thought your job sucked.
Despite all these drawbacks, workers at Foxconn are still getting paid fairly well (relatively speaking). I don't mean to defend what very well may be horrible conditions, but I think the problem lies in unrealistic expectations. Because its a prominent American company, I think people are expecting to receive wages and treatment commensurate with that.
What we have to remember is that China is not America. Our labor laws were shaped during the Industrial Revolution, something that China is still going through in many ways. China may be one of the largest economies in the world, but it is still a developing nation that at times is held to unrealistic standards. It takes years, decades even, to modernize both the workforce and the laws that govern it.
Furthermore, lets not forget that China is not a capitalist democratic republic, like America. While I agree that its not fair to the workers in China, its also not fair to hold Chinese companies and factories to foreign standards. It is a form of economic extraterritoriality, whereby foreign owned businesses are expected to govern themselves according to the standards set by their home country, and not the country the factory is in.
Compared to other factories in China, Foxconn is a beacon of progress. Compared to factories in the First World, it is still deficient. I have seen working conditions in both America and China with my own eyes. Yes, American conditions are waaay better, but the Chinese ones are improving. We can't expect a complete overhaul overnight. We can pressure Chinese companies to improve but we can't force them to move to quickly or they will collapse.
The attention that this receives is greater than it deserves, largely due to the fact that it is a prominent company producing a popular product. The computer I'm writing on right now was made in China, but we don't hear reports about Gateway factories not living up to our expectations.
Let me sum up my arguments. Conditions at the Foxconn factories are not great, but they have improved and are above the industry standard. For China. China is making great progress in terms of benefits, wages, and workers rights, but its a slow process that will take years to complete. In America, we have the benefit of more than 100 years of industrialization to learn from. We have unions to protect workers. We also have representative government and the Whopper. It is unrealistic at this point to hold Chinese businesses to American standards.
Now I know what you're going to say. "But Dave, Foxconn is an American owned company" Yes, but it is not located in America and therefore not governed by the same laws and standards.
Wow, this post got serious. I just wanted to poke fun at the fact that labor laws exist in China and I ended up ranting about the lopsided expectations. What are your thoughts? Do you agree with me? Do you know think I'm a fascist A-hole? Let me know, that's what the comments section is for. Maybe we can have a lively debate.

Just Lie Back and Think of America

The Daylight Savings induced rage continues. My mojo is still thrown off but not enough to prevent me from bringing you the fourth part of my series entitled "Snowballs Chance In Hell". In this final part, I will take you forward to the year 2015. Historians will look back on this election and wonder, simply, how? Ron Paul is wrapping up his third year as president and the nation has never been more confused.
The United States government is completely bankrupt after the dissolution of the IRS and all income and sales taxes. Borders are open only to money and mail order brides, and they're not going in the direction you think. American mail order brides are flocking to China, having been bought by the Chinese Communist Party in an attempt to balance the gender discrepancy.

Where have I seen this design before?

In early 2013, President Ron "Two First Names" Paul declared war on the moon, conquering it largely unopposed and officially declaring it the 51st state before populating it with the best and brightest.  They all died horribly. Since then, the President has been eyeing Europe hungrily. NAFTA has been replaced by EPFTA (Entire Planet Free Trade Agreement) and MFTA (Moon Free Trade Agreement). North Korea now gets the bulk of its kimchee imported from Hawaii.
President Paul is outed as a racist when he is caught on tape ranting about "those damn honkey's at the Washington Post". However, in an ironic twist of events, the President sue's the Washington Post for taping his conversation without his consent. Much like President Ron Paul himself, the plan was just crazy enough to work and the Washington Post was forced to issue an apology.
The fence on the border of Mexico has been extended to Canada as well. $342 million was spent improving the border from a fence to a wall 30 feet high with ramparts every 100 yards and crenelations running the length so defenders can fire down on anyone attempting a border crossing. Construction has begun on a massive seawall to follow the American coastline as well.
In 2015, aliens from a distant galaxy landed in Virginia. They were promptly shot for not following proper immigration procedures.

The Red Menace Is Starting Young

I thought I'd take a break from the victory celebrations to talk about something different. Make no mistake, I'm still riding the championship high but I thought I'd deviate from the wave of awesomeness that is the NY Giants to instead talk about how the Chinese are already breeding a race of super soldiers to destroy us all.
I'm not talking about your standard racism here either. I'm talking about documented proof of methods the Chinese are using to create what in Chinese is called a 巨人, translated as "superman" or "Giant". First I present you with the story of baby Chun Chun, born recently to a 29-year old host body. Chun Chun weighs in at an impressive 15.5 pounds, or about as much as my extremely muscular right forearm. I don't know how tall the kid is, mostly because he hasn't learned to stand up straight yet, but also because the article doesn't list his height. However, I believe that this child is currently two feet, five inches tall. That might not sound like a lot, but consider that he's about a week old and it sounds more impressive. By my carelessly calculated projections, I expect Chun Chun to stand 7'11" and weigh in at 320 lbs by his twelfth birthday. I may be off by a few pounds, I'm not a mathematician. If this kid wasn't bred to be a behemoth super soldier, capable of tearing a tank in twain, then I don't know what to think.
I'm less concerned about the future of the world than I am about this poor kids mother. Frankly, if a fully grown and armed Chun Chun is coming my way, I'm just gonna surrender no matter who I'm fighting for. But his poor mother is the true victim. We've all heard about the rigours and horrors of childbirth. It's painful and messy for a normal-sized child. Women like to use the analogy of passing a grapefruit through your urethra (editors note: been there, done that, not as bad as I expected). In Chun Chun's case, I'd say its closer to passing a Buick through that narrowest of dong-passages. 
Obviously, she had a C-section because nobody's vagina is big enough to pass that child through, save for the Statue of Liberty's. I can only imagine her scar. It probably starts a few inches under her chin and extends down her front, under her lady bits, and a third of the way up her back. I'm just picturing a doctor unzipping her and having a gigantic baby Buddha roll out. She will clearly have no more children for two reasons. First, her vagina is obviously completely wrecked. Second, Chun Chun is actually three babies all mashed up into one huge one.
So we have proof that the Chinese are giving birth to Giants (yes I'm capitalizing that). But once they're born the real training begins. Its good to be really really big but what use is a gigantic warrior if he's a teddy bear? Can baby Chun Chun wipe out the decadent imperialists with hugs? The answer is yes, cause his future hugs could crush a Silverado. But imagine the damage he could do if he was trained to feel no pain and only dish it out. 
Thats what this father intends. Though his son was born sadly undersized (or normal size as its also known), the man now known as Eagle Dad decided that waiting 4 years to start his sons training was too long. He has his son running in the snow in nothing but stylish yet gaudy tightie-yellowies. If you can stand a child's crying, I recommend watching the video. 

For those of you who don't know Chinese, the kid is begging for his mom while Eagle Dad tells him to run. We all know that Chinese mothers are especially kind and gentle with their children. Oh wait, I forgot, the exact opposite is true. To prove this, Eagle Dad's son's mother instead encourages the child to do push-ups in the snow. I'm going to gloss past the kids terrible push-up form (keep your back straight kid!) and instead refer you to the manliest of men, Mr. Bear Grylls. When he was freezing in a Patagonian ice field, he stripped down and started doing push-ups. Don't believe me? Watch this then smart guy. Wow, this kid is destined for a life of badassitude and psychotherapy. 
While I'm on the subject, I might as well point out the obvious that this future badass is the son of Eagle Dad. That's right, THE Eagle Dad. I'm assuming that's his given name. I assume his parents named him that knowing that he would eventually raise his kid the way he was raised. I also assume that Eagle Dad has the power of flight and is a master of, what else, Eagle Style Kung Fu.
Giant babies, 4 year-old Bear Grylls and a man named Eagle Dad. We're all funked. 

Giants Got My Back

Two Time Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning!

I think we can expect an increase in posts in the wake of recent events. I have mentioned before how I'm a big-mclarge-huge fan of the NY Giants. I even mentioned a tattoo of mine that reflects this level of fandom. Its a heart-warming story that was recently repeated but is still worth remembering. Imagine if you will, the year 2007.....wavy lines wavy lines wavy lines.........
Its a crazy year, 2007. I'm living in China, doing my best to spread the glory of football and the NY Giants. Bush is still president, technically. I'm forced to stay up all night to listen to the web-radio broadcast of Giants games but its worth the exhaustion and incoherence in class the next day. Nobody believes in the road warrior NY Giants. I tell my Chinese friend, who I shall call The General, not to worry. A true fan sticks with his team through thick and thin. I then spent the next few minutes explaining what the term "thick and thin" meant to him. I'm the kind of man who makes outrageous declarations and then is forced to stand by them so as not to lose face. So I declared early in the season that if the NY Giants win the Super Bowl, I will commemorate them in tattoo form. The General asked what "commemorate" meant, and then promised to hold me to my word.
I don't need to retell the immortal glory that was Super Bowl 42. I don't need to remind everyone of David Tyree's mythic catch. Nor do I need to recount all the times the defense hit Tom Brady. I don't even need to mention the 17-14 final score or Eli's first Super Bowl MVP title. I just dont need to, we all know this stuff already.
I revelled in the glory until The General gave the order to get the tattoo. I love the Giants and I have many tattoos, I just dont like the needle part of it. Frankly, tattoos hurt and anybody who says otherwise is a filthy liar who is trying to impress you. But the pain is manageable and it passes in time. So we found a tattoo guy. He just happened to be the best tattoo guy in all of Wuhan, maybe all of Hubei so I ended up going back to him a few more times.

While I was getting worked on, I watched Family Guy on my Apple brand iPod and grit my teeth. All told, it was the most painful tattoo I've gotten. As you can see, my back is gross with little moles and birthmarks and whip scars. Turned out it hurts more to get a tattoo over those which has since led me reconsidering the full length mural of Michael Strahan wrestling a lion with his bare hands.
It took nearly two hours, including the 10 minute break I needed. It had nothing to do with the pain though. I was sitting backwards on a chair (the single coolest way to sit) and my crotch went numb. I tried using that excuse the other night too but it didnt fly. Anyway, I got up to stretch my legs and have a smoke. Two hours later, I was presented with everlasting glory, inked onto my living skin.

I will forever be reminded of that glory. I might not be able to see it without a complex arrangement of mirrors but I know its there. This brings a new question to mind. Do I get another commemorative tattoo? Perhaps it is the right time to get a touch-up, repaint the ol' thing, give it a new set of tires, other term for repairing something. The color is a bit faded after four years.
Thoughts? Comments? Questions? Concerns? Queries? Conundrums? Quagmires?