I thought I'd take a break from the victory celebrations to talk about something different. Make no mistake, I'm still riding the championship high but I thought I'd deviate from the wave of awesomeness that is the NY Giants to instead talk about how the Chinese are already breeding a race of super soldiers to destroy us all.
I'm not talking about your standard racism here either. I'm talking about documented proof of methods the Chinese are using to create what in Chinese is called a 巨人, translated as "superman" or "Giant". First I present you with the story of baby Chun Chun, born recently to a 29-year old host body. Chun Chun weighs in at an impressive 15.5 pounds, or about as much as my extremely muscular right forearm. I don't know how tall the kid is, mostly because he hasn't learned to stand up straight yet, but also because the article doesn't list his height. However, I believe that this child is currently two feet, five inches tall. That might not sound like a lot, but consider that he's about a week old and it sounds more impressive. By my carelessly calculated projections, I expect Chun Chun to stand 7'11" and weigh in at 320 lbs by his twelfth birthday. I may be off by a few pounds, I'm not a mathematician. If this kid wasn't bred to be a behemoth super soldier, capable of tearing a tank in twain, then I don't know what to think.
I'm less concerned about the future of the world than I am about this poor kids mother. Frankly, if a fully grown and armed Chun Chun is coming my way, I'm just gonna surrender no matter who I'm fighting for. But his poor mother is the true victim. We've all heard about the rigours and horrors of childbirth. It's painful and messy for a normal-sized child. Women like to use the analogy of passing a grapefruit through your urethra (editors note: been there, done that, not as bad as I expected). In Chun Chun's case, I'd say its closer to passing a Buick through that narrowest of dong-passages.
Obviously, she had a C-section because nobody's vagina is big enough to pass that child through, save for the Statue of Liberty's. I can only imagine her scar. It probably starts a few inches under her chin and extends down her front, under her lady bits, and a third of the way up her back. I'm just picturing a doctor unzipping her and having a gigantic baby Buddha roll out. She will clearly have no more children for two reasons. First, her vagina is obviously completely wrecked. Second, Chun Chun is actually three babies all mashed up into one huge one.
So we have proof that the Chinese are giving birth to Giants (yes I'm capitalizing that). But once they're born the real training begins. Its good to be really really big but what use is a gigantic warrior if he's a teddy bear? Can baby Chun Chun wipe out the decadent imperialists with hugs? The answer is yes, cause his future hugs could crush a Silverado. But imagine the damage he could do if he was trained to feel no pain and only dish it out.
Thats what this father intends. Though his son was born sadly undersized (or normal size as its also known), the man now known as Eagle Dad decided that waiting 4 years to start his sons training was too long. He has his son running in the snow in nothing but stylish yet gaudy tightie-yellowies. If you can stand a child's crying, I recommend watching the video.
For those of you who don't know Chinese, the kid is begging for his mom while Eagle Dad tells him to run. We all know that Chinese mothers are especially kind and gentle with their children. Oh wait, I forgot, the exact opposite is true. To prove this, Eagle Dad's son's mother instead encourages the child to do push-ups in the snow. I'm going to gloss past the kids terrible push-up form (keep your back straight kid!) and instead refer you to the manliest of men, Mr. Bear Grylls. When he was freezing in a Patagonian ice field, he stripped down and started doing push-ups. Don't believe me? Watch this then smart guy. Wow, this kid is destined for a life of badassitude and psychotherapy.
While I'm on the subject, I might as well point out the obvious that this future badass is the son of Eagle Dad. That's right, THE Eagle Dad. I'm assuming that's his given name. I assume his parents named him that knowing that he would eventually raise his kid the way he was raised. I also assume that Eagle Dad has the power of flight and is a master of, what else, Eagle Style Kung Fu.
Giant babies, 4 year-old Bear Grylls and a man named Eagle Dad. We're all funked.
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