Ridiculous to the Power of Three

I'm faced with a terribly difficult decision. I usually spend some time each day looking around the interwebs for news stories that I can write about in a derisive and sarcastic manner. Yesterday I was crippled with indecision.  You see, I found three equally ridiculous things to write about and no way to choose which one. Therefore, I'm going to try a triple threat of ridiculous. Deep breath, here we go...
1.
The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development recently released a list of the 10 most obese developed nations. According to their figures, roughly half a billion people on this planet are obese, which accounts for the wobble in the Earths rotation (you try spinning on an axis with all that chub clinging to you). I'll spare you from having to read the entire report and skip straight to what you want to know. Once again, the USA comes in first in fatties. USA USA USA!!! I hope there's an award show for this cause I want to see our official fat representative waddle up to the stage to accept his statue in the shape of a McNugget. As a nation, slightly more than 33% of us are obese. That's too many people to blame solely on Wisconsin. If we had a fat person convention, it would have to be held somewhere in the plains states. So many chunk-a-lunks concentrated on one coast would cause the entire continent to tip into the sea.
Most surprising was the breakdown of obesity by gender. Looking at my own family, the men clearly outweigh the women. But as a nation, we have the highest percentage of fat chicks in the world. Freddie Mercury must have known this when he wrote his submission for America's new national anthem. I thought all women regularly starved themselves and threw up to maintain their figures. Of course, I don't know anything about women, so I'm obviously wrong. I also thought women laid eggs and puffed out their hair when startled but that apparently is birds and cats respectively.
For those out there who are reading this, rest assured that I myself am overweight, despite being wrapped in muscle like steel. I'm not some skinny guy sitting at a keyboard making fun of fat people. I'm one of you. I can say fattie cause that's our word for our people.
2.
Earlier this week, a Maryland high school girls swimming team had their championship retroactively stripped (get your mind out of the gutter) due to a, wait for it, illegal shaving violation. I'm just gonna let that sink in for a minute.
Back with me? Good. It is well known that swimmers shave themselves down to be more aerodynamic, or hydrodynamic as the case might be. They also do it because have you even seen a hairy fish? Not only does this shaving make them move slightly faster in the water, it distracts their opponents who no doubt catch a glimpse and stare in awe of their smooth skin.
Normally, this shaving is done ahead of time, due to the appearance of razor burn. The little bumps that constitute razor burn will slow them down in the water. But apparently theres another reason. The National Federation of State High School Associations has an obscure rule dictating the timing of shaving. There can be no shaving done on-site before a competition, probably to ensure that nobody is forced into the awkward position of walking in on somebody shaving their entire body.
So one girl showed up to a competition and realized that she hadn't shaved her legs in a week and it made her look like a satyr. So she did the only sensible thing; bust out that lady Schick and go to work.

She needs to shave her legs more often

The officials say that this rule is to prevent any accidental blood contamination or razor sharing, two of the most common problems in the sport of swimming. I think they were just trying to ensure a level swimming pool for all competitors. Which brings me to two key questions. First, is waxing in the locker-room ok? And second, are people with alopecia banned from the sport because of their natural advantage?
3.
I'm going to wrap up with my favorite article. The Huffington Post put together a slide show of Russian Prime Minister and general overall badass Vladimir Putin with various dogs. It would seem that, much like me, Puty-Put loves dogs. He has a couple dogs himself and is always willing to take a break from crushing capitalism, or whatever Russians do these days, to play with a puppy. This isn't so much ridiculous as it is awesome. Many badasses have a soft spot for dogs. In fact here is the top five dog loving badasses I can think of.
5. Robert Neville (I Am Legend)
4. Mad Max, prior to the whole Jew-Hating
3. John Snow (look it up and read the damn books already)
2. Me
1. Vladimir Putin