I originally had big plans for todays post. In honor of the release of Ghost Rider 2, I planned on watching five Nicholas Cage movies in the days leading up to its release. I got through one. I tried watching the cinematic mess that was Season of the Witch. Thankfully the dog had to go for a walk and I accidentally locked myself out of the building. By the time I got back in, the movie was over and I was spared. I took it as a sign that, despite the presence of the awesome Ron Perlman, continued watching of this movie would give me either migraine headaches or cancer.
I am more convinced than ever that Nicholas Cage needs to go away. Even his hair is trying to escape him, as his hairline has been steadily moving farther from his face. I've seen plenty of his films in the past, not always by choice. The Wicker Man was one of the funnies movies I've ever seen, though I don't think it was intended that way. It was basically 90 minutes of Cage running around punching women and screaming about bees.
A couple years ago I was strapped to a chair, my eyes were held open (with the occasional drop of visine to keep them from drying out), and I was forced to watch Lord of War. I was shocked to discover that it didn't suck. In fact, it was even kind of good. I'd call it the best Nick Cage movie but that's like saying being shot in the groin in the best way to get shot. It's still painful.
Even Mother Nature is rebelling against his latest cinematic excretion. Over the past few weeks and months, over 100 dolphins have beached themselves to death in Cape Cod, I believe in protest of the release of Ghost Rider. They too cannot understand how or why this sequel got a green light. My only guess is that the producers behind it never saw the first movie, having spent the last 20 years locked inside Nick Cage's personal dungeon, being released only once Stockholm Syndrome had fully set in.
It's not just aquatic mammals that are preparing for the worst. Recently, the town of Keene, New Hampshire purchased an armored personnel carrier, presumably to prepare for the impending apocalypse that is signaled by the continued release of Nick Cage movies. Sure, residents of Keene aren't too happy about the expenditure now, but wait until after the release. Once the flaming $#!+ hits the fan and people begin openly revolting on the streets, Keene will be one of the few towns to remain standing thanks to its unnecessarily formidable arsenal.
Sure, he might claim otherwise, but Nick Cage is clearly an immortal and endless fountain of suck. I continue to hope that he'll just go away, but if he made it through the Civil War, both World Wars and Vietnam, I don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon.
Its time to finish this post on a high note. Please enjoy the following video of a bear cub and a wolf cub wrestling as my way of apologizing for dredging up any painful memories you might have of watching Nick Cage films.
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