Brutally Efficient Robot Death Squads Return!

I did it again. And by that I mean I saw The Avengers again. It is a 2.5 hour long nerdgasm. But that's not why I'm here today. Today I bring some disturbing news. No, I'm not going to post more about John Travolta being sued, I think we've had enough of that.
Instead we travel to Peru for some reports of mass animal deaths. April was a terrible month for animals that call Peru home. Along the northern coast, 877 dolphins were found dead, having washed up on the beach, gotten drunk off Patron and Corona and passed out in the sand where they died from exposure. Shortly after, in the same area, an estimated 1,200 birds were found dead.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I've addressed mass animal deaths before. My conclusion then was that it was the work of brutally efficient robot death squads. My findings have not changed. However, I have two theories about why these mass animal deaths are occurring along the same stretch of coast. One is terrifying and the other is naive. Let's start with naivete.
We might be seeing a unified wildlife attack from air and sea. The animals appear to be attempting to gain a foothold along the northern Peruvian coastline in a order to launch a full-scale invasion of South America. I'm hoping that the brutally efficient robot death squads had sunk sea mines off the coast and the 877 dead dolphins represent the casualties from the initial incursion.
Having failed to invade by sea, the animals decided to soften up the land first with an air attack. However, once again the brutally efficient robot death squads protected us, this time with their anti-air lasers. A very large amount of the dead birds were pelicans, which we all know are the avian worlds heaviest bombers. I assume that it was a mixed force of smaller bombers as well as escort birds.

Exterminate Extra Crispy Style!

But more likely...
We are seeing a resurgence of brutally efficient robot death squad training maneuvers. The disturbing part is that it is now occurring in South America, leading me to believe that the brutally efficient robot death squad central leadership has expanded the scope of their ultimate invasion. They now intend on taking the entire Western Hemisphere in one massive invasion.
I have previously offered brutally efficient robot death squad insurance. In light of these new attacks, I am now expanding the scope of my insurance to include car and home insurance as well. Obviously, plans only protect against brutally efficient robot death squad attacks and we do prosecute for fraudulent claims. I am currently in litigation due to a former client claiming a brutally efficient robot death squad attack is what caused the water damage in his house. I can't say anymore as it is not my policy to discuss an ongoing investigation.

The Spirit of Vengeance is Within Me

I originally had big plans for todays post. In honor of the release of Ghost Rider 2, I planned on watching five Nicholas Cage movies in the days leading up to its release. I got through one. I tried watching the cinematic mess that was Season of the Witch. Thankfully the dog had to go for a walk and I accidentally locked myself out of the building. By the time I got back in, the movie was over and I was spared. I took it as a sign that, despite the presence of the awesome Ron Perlman, continued watching of this movie would give me either migraine headaches or cancer.
I am more convinced than ever that Nicholas Cage needs to go away. Even his hair is trying to escape him, as his hairline has been steadily moving farther from his face. I've seen plenty of his films in the past, not always by choice. The Wicker Man was one of the funnies movies I've ever seen, though I don't think it was intended that way. It was basically 90 minutes of Cage running around punching women and screaming about bees.
A couple years ago I was strapped to a chair, my eyes were held open (with the occasional drop of visine to keep them from drying out), and I was forced to watch Lord of War. I was shocked to discover that it didn't suck. In fact, it was even kind of good. I'd call it the best Nick Cage movie but that's like saying being shot in the groin in the best way to get shot. It's still painful.
Even Mother Nature is rebelling against his latest cinematic excretion. Over the past few weeks and months, over 100 dolphins have beached themselves to death in Cape Cod, I believe in protest of the release of Ghost Rider. They too cannot understand how or why this sequel got a green light. My only guess is that the producers behind it never saw the first movie, having spent the last 20 years locked inside Nick Cage's personal dungeon, being released only once Stockholm Syndrome had fully set in.
It's not just aquatic mammals that are preparing for the worst. Recently, the town of Keene, New Hampshire purchased an armored personnel carrier, presumably to prepare for the impending apocalypse that is signaled by the continued release of Nick Cage movies. Sure, residents of Keene aren't too happy about the expenditure now, but wait until after the release. Once the flaming $#!+ hits the fan and people begin openly revolting on the streets, Keene will be one of the few towns to remain standing thanks to its unnecessarily formidable arsenal.
Sure, he might claim otherwise, but Nick Cage is clearly an immortal and endless fountain of suck. I continue to hope that he'll just go away, but if he made it through the Civil War, both World Wars and Vietnam, I don't think he's going anywhere anytime soon.

Its time to finish this post on a high note. Please enjoy the following video of a bear cub and a wolf cub wrestling as my way of apologizing for dredging up any painful memories you might have of watching Nick Cage films.