So Whitney Houston died, no word on if crack was involved yet. The point is that I needed a hug and the only people around me were guys. I got my hug, make no mistake, but I noticed for the first time that it was different from the hugs I get from my good lady wife or my mom or my niece. I scratched my metaphorical head and decided to get some more man hugs to compare. They were all identical in style. Therefore I present you a profile of the Man-Hug.
The Man-Hug is a curious thing. It is something that occurs only between two men. Any more participants, regardless of gender, transforms it into a group hug. Anyway, when two men hug, it is a special thing. Men will hug for a few reasons, primarily to celebrate a sports-related accomplishment. Other Man-Hug worthy occasions include welcomes after a long absence, extended goodbyes, prison galas and of course experimentation which they only do a couple times in college so it doesnt count as gay.
Anyway, the reasons for a Man-Hug are less important than the structure of one. The classic Man-Hug consists of equal parts handshake and hug. The right hands are clasped in between their bodies while the left arms reach up and over the right shoulder. Sometimes, the upper left arm is clasped instead, but there is debate about whether or not this counts as a Man-Hug. The important thing to note is the angle of the left arm, which is almost always held up at a 20 degree angle. Trust me, I'm a fake scientist, I know these things. The upward angle is used to indicate both feigned excitement at being part of a Man-Hug as well as dominance. The man with the arm closest to a perfect 20 degree angle is seen by his peers as more virile and therefore is declared king (this is how many of the early kings of Prussia were chosen).
Deviation from the 20 degree angle is often seen as a character flaw. If the man holds his arm below 20 degrees, he is seen as being too weak to hold his arm up. If he holds it above 20 degrees, he is either overcompensating or has poor muscle control.
Rights hands clasped, the left arm in place, the participants give a firm squeeze while holding their crotches at an outward angle so as to avoid any junk rubbing. Its not a gay thing, its just awkward. The Man-Hug will typically last anywhere from 8-10 seconds and is often used to whisper secrets of threats in eachothers ears. I learned of my adoption during a Man-Hug from my father and I personally have threatened many mens lives while engaged in a Man-Hug.
Man-Hug's are curious things. I wish I had diagrams to help illustrate these quirks, but alas I'm too lazy to draw them and I dont know any guys well enough to hug them on camera. Well, maybe David Boreanaz.
i was here.
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