When I'm tired and cold, I hide my feet in music, forget the day. Man, that already sounds trite. Moving on, I was recently made aware of a "woman thing" that has nothing to do with Cosmopolitans (the drink and the magazine) and pink. I honestly dont know how popular that stuff is among women but as an average American man, my head is up my ass when it comes to women. I knew I should have brought a camera with me but I'm waiting for the chance to do it in NY (see, a reference to a previous post. Continuity, aw yeah).
I was privy to a conversation between two women about cold feet. First of all, when I say privy to, I mean unable to shelter myself from. Second, I mean literal cold feet, not the sudden fear of marriage. My friend was in a state of clear alarm and disarray due to the sudden and unexpected application of cold female feet to his bare skin. A look I've seen on myself all too many times. Well I didnt literally see it on myself as we dont have mirrors about the bed, much to my chagrin. My good lady wife just wont let me put them up. Probably doesnt want me to see when she takes her sub zero feet and applies them to my bare thigh, which muscular and built like an anvil as it is, does not like the sudden cold.
This is a problem I have tried to solve preemptively many times. I tried presenting her wife socks (What are wife socks you ask? I dont know either but I'm gonna run with it and ignore the typo). Then wool socks. Then pulling her sweatpants cuffs over her feet. Then putting a space heater by her feet. Then by wrapping her entirely in multiple blankets until all that remained was an air hole near the her mouth. These are all solutions that I have tried and have even photo-documented. If I didnt think it would get my cut off from the marital bed both literally and figuratively, I would upload photographic proof.
For me the best bet is to wait until she's been asleep for a while and under the covers before getting into bed. That way, her feet have had plenty of time to warm up on their own.
You know, as long as I'm on the topic of cold feet, why does it mean sudden fear and apprehension of an impending event, most often applied to weddings? I recall that at my wedding, my feet were quite comfortable. I mean by the end of the day the hurt like they had been used as the sole steel drum at a Bobby McFarin tribute band tournament. Thats when I learned the stark truth of the wedding night. Its not a night of giggidy giggidy at all cause you're both so damn tired and sore from wearing uncomfortable but super-stylish clothes and acting like you're happy to see everybody there which of course you are just in case they read your blog.....hold on, I have to catch my breath.....ok, the point is you pass out before the gashmoygen instead of after it.
I have no idea where this rant started or how it ended where it did. I think its best to call it a night and hope for the best under the covers. Ice feet here I come.
I close my eyes and I slip away.......
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