I'd Give My Right Kidney For An iPad

I feel like I haven't brought you any stories of good old Chinese ridiculousness in a while so here we go with a couple great ones. This is going to be a challenging article to write as its around lunchtime and I'm already thinking about dumplings. First a little background is needed. China has the Xinhua New Agency, state-owned and the leviathon in the pond.
Anyway, Xinhua is reporting a story coming out of Hunan province. A 17 year old boy sold his kidney to buy an iPhone and an iPad. The boy called Wang really wanted in on the Apple trend. He wanted to be one of those cool people you see on the bus playing an awesome game, perhaps about unhappy birds, while talking really loudly to their cool friends who also have iPhones. I am one of those people, except I don't ride the bus.

Couldn't find a related pic so, all glory to the Hypnotoad

Anyway, enough of my luck with phones, this kid Wang is having some kidney problems now. Predictable as he only has one and presumably is an alcoholic now to deal with the fact that he didn't wait for the iPhone 4S. I could go on about how this is a truly disturbing example of popular consumer culture having a clear and literal negative effect on a persons well-being. And how it's awful that instead of saving money to pay for healthcare or food, his first and only thought was a trendy new phone.
Instead I'm going to make sarcastic remarks. Remarks like, I knew iPhones were expensive but I didn't know they cost an arm, a leg, and a kidney. If he had sold his appendix, would he have gotten an Android phone? What can he get for selling part of his liver? Is his iTunes account MissmyKidney@me.com?
Can he now call this people and order some whale meat? I actually found this next article a few weeks ago but just haven't been able to find the time to work it in. It starts off simply enough, with 4 whales beaching themselves and dying in Jiangsu province. If I had a nickel for every time I've said that, I still wouldn't have much money cause its only nickels.

Gotta truck this baby out to the beach

The natural response to a beached whale is to try to get back into the water. Not necessarily to save its like, but to get it the hell off the beach before it starts really stinking. Given that whales are really heavy, like heavier than 10 fat chicks, this is a difficult process and often takes days to get the right tools and machinery.
Meanwhile, why let that meat go to waste? That's right, it was only a matter of time before locals showed up to start carving up that meat. I've chosen not to show you pictures of the whale all butchered up. You're welcome.
Much like the above story, I'm flooded with questions. Is there that much of a food shortage in Jiangsu that people need to meat-riot a whale? What does whale taste like? Are all whale cookbooks in Inuit? Can I substitute whale for tilapia? What's the best way to cook a whale? Is there a barbecue big enough for the task?