The Red Scare Is Back Baby!

About five minutes after I posted my last piece I saw the news the Rick Santorum has suspended his campaign, effectively ending his bid for the presidency. All I can say to this is thank god. You may remember the four part piece I did a few weeks predicting what America would be like if one of the Republican candidates went on to win the presidency. Part 2 featured Rick Santorum and showed us the horror that would be the future with him as our leader.
Normally I would take this and run with it, speculating wildly on how this would allow previously unknown dark horse candidate Mike Honcho to firm up his position as the number two candidate and potentially securing the position of Vice Presidential nominee. Who is Mike Honcho you ask?

This is Mike Honcho

I ruminated on what direction to take Rick Santorums withdrawal from the race. My Good Lady Wife assures me that he is likely to run again in the next election due to his suspending his campaign instead of ending it. She tells me that if a candidate suspends his campaign, he doesn't have to return the money that has been donated, he can simply hang on to it until the next try. Mitt Romney did this in 2008.
Instead I'm going to focus on another story, one that is so awesomely ridiculous I had to check my calendar to see what year I was in. Then I was told time travel while sleeping is currently impossible. At a town hall event in Jensen Beach, Florida yesterday, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.) claimed that upwards of 80 member of the Democratic party are secretly communists.
That's right, according to Mr. West roughly 42% of House Democrats are members of the Communist Party. All I have to say about this is, damnit! I thought we were keeping the secret better than that. Yes I am a registered Democrat (because I don't hate the poor) and yes I have portraits of Lenin, Marx, Stalin, Mao, and Castro in my bedroom. I sleep better with their watchful eyes guarding my dreams against decadence.
It has taken decades of work to embed ourselves in the American system. We faked the fall of the Berlin Wall specifically to lull watchful Republicans into a false sense of security. President Obama even subliminally planted the idea that Republicans are the real Commies with his "Red State, Blue State" speech. But the truth is out now.

The only difference is that Commies love freedom

Damn the brilliant investigative mind of Allen West! He has set back our cause at least a decade. At this rate we'll never crush capitalism. At this point I'm just waiting for a plucky young Demo-communist to reveal that over 40% of the Republican party are members of the Nazi Party.