The Red Scare Is Back Baby!

About five minutes after I posted my last piece I saw the news the Rick Santorum has suspended his campaign, effectively ending his bid for the presidency. All I can say to this is thank god. You may remember the four part piece I did a few weeks predicting what America would be like if one of the Republican candidates went on to win the presidency. Part 2 featured Rick Santorum and showed us the horror that would be the future with him as our leader.
Normally I would take this and run with it, speculating wildly on how this would allow previously unknown dark horse candidate Mike Honcho to firm up his position as the number two candidate and potentially securing the position of Vice Presidential nominee. Who is Mike Honcho you ask?

This is Mike Honcho

I ruminated on what direction to take Rick Santorums withdrawal from the race. My Good Lady Wife assures me that he is likely to run again in the next election due to his suspending his campaign instead of ending it. She tells me that if a candidate suspends his campaign, he doesn't have to return the money that has been donated, he can simply hang on to it until the next try. Mitt Romney did this in 2008.
Instead I'm going to focus on another story, one that is so awesomely ridiculous I had to check my calendar to see what year I was in. Then I was told time travel while sleeping is currently impossible. At a town hall event in Jensen Beach, Florida yesterday, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.) claimed that upwards of 80 member of the Democratic party are secretly communists.
That's right, according to Mr. West roughly 42% of House Democrats are members of the Communist Party. All I have to say about this is, damnit! I thought we were keeping the secret better than that. Yes I am a registered Democrat (because I don't hate the poor) and yes I have portraits of Lenin, Marx, Stalin, Mao, and Castro in my bedroom. I sleep better with their watchful eyes guarding my dreams against decadence.
It has taken decades of work to embed ourselves in the American system. We faked the fall of the Berlin Wall specifically to lull watchful Republicans into a false sense of security. President Obama even subliminally planted the idea that Republicans are the real Commies with his "Red State, Blue State" speech. But the truth is out now.

The only difference is that Commies love freedom

Damn the brilliant investigative mind of Allen West! He has set back our cause at least a decade. At this rate we'll never crush capitalism. At this point I'm just waiting for a plucky young Demo-communist to reveal that over 40% of the Republican party are members of the Nazi Party.

Awesome Wednesday

Today I bring you part 2 of my 4 part series entitled "Please God Don't Let These Guys Win" Today I'll be examining the crazy that is Rick Santorum. The Huffington Post recently ran an article about Rick Santorum while he was at Penn State. I learned a few things about him that I like. For example, his college nickname was Rooster, and Rooster liked to chug. He was so good at it, he would teach others. I'm not much for actual journalistic integrity but I want to share this quote from the article with you:

Rooster could beat everyone at beer-chugging, Grasso said. She explained the Rooster technique: "You just open your throat."

So to recap before we go into the future, Santorum's advice for chugging beer is the same as his advice to women. Except for the swallowing.

So here we sit in the year 2015. The population of the United States has soared since the abolition of birth control. The traditional method of pulling out has been hotly debated and condoms are being recycled as medical supply's and tires. Despite the soaring population, there is little to no support for families. Parents are forced by circumstance to take second and third jobs. Or in my case, first jobs.

Women no longer have the right to vote on any issue. Even mail-in polls from Real Simple magazine are outlawed, as it was finally realized that women shouldn't have opinions, let alone be able to express them. Burka's are being imported at an alarming rate while the women's shoe industry has completely collapsed. Nobody buys fancy shoes anymore since women are no longer allowed to wear shoes. 

Fanciest shoe I could find

Sales of bowler hats have tripled and suspenders have officially replaced belts as the march backward continues. Gentlemen are gentlemen again and guns are given away at gas stations with the purchase of every 15 gallons of fuel. 

The abortion debate is over now that it has been completely criminalized. The Right to Life is now called Forced Into Life. No Child Left Behind no longer refers to education. Instead its a constant reminder that we are forced to procreate, which was a great program for the first couple months until 112 million American women simultaneously sent their husbands out to get pickles dipped in peanut butter. 

Speaking of education, schools are more overcrowded than ever. This is not a problem for the newly unified Pepsi-Halliburton National Learning Academy. Math scores are down across the board but American's excel in the flavor-based sciences and patriotism. The Pledge of Allegiance is now 18 minutes long and features several Bible quotes and Nascar endorsements. 

Aliens secretly landed in 2014 but got confused. They thought they hit a time warp and ended up in the 1760's so they went back into orbit to wait a few more years.