Updated: Six Reasons Why The Hunger Games Is Not Twilight

I'm doing something rare today. No, I'm not sacrificing a small animal to all powerful Atheismo. That's not that unusual for me. Instead I'm going to revisit the mildly popular piece, Top Three Reasons Why The Hunger Games Is Not Twilight. I will be adding three more reasons, bringing the total up to six. This has forced me to rethink the order of things, so they might be in a different order than you remember.

6) There are fewer books so we can hope that translates to fewer movies.
Let's face it, like with the Harry Potter franchise, we all get annoyed when filmmakers split a book into two parts. It's clearly an attempt to draw out the series and make more money off of it. I still have not seen either part of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, partially out of protest, partially out of disinterest.
I think we can all agree that literally the last thing the world needs is more Twilight movies, yet I can't fight this feeling that it'll somehow be extended further. The Hunger Games is the first book in a trilogy and after the amount of money its made, we can been guaranteed that the other two will be made into movies.
The Twilight "Saga" is four books, a number that Hollywood can't comprehend. It's a fact that the number 2 is the only even number in Hollywood. Street addresses are confusing. It had to be either three or five movies. I voted for three. I lost the vote.
Just as a point of reference, Hollywood has done this with great books too. The Godfather was actually one book, not 2 movies and a third unnecessary one.

5) You know from the very beginning that almost everyone is going to die.
With a story about 24 teenagers who are forced to kill each other, you know that at least 23 of them are going to die (Spoiler: 22 die instead - curveball!). With 24 teenagers to choose from, its almost guaranteed that they'll be one who closely resemblances that guy you hated in high school. Personally, I hated everyone in high school, including myself so its hard to pinpoint who I hate the most.
You get to watch the cathartic glory of your old enemies death without the legal repercussions. Unless the person you hated was Katniss. Then you're outta luck.

4) There are actual political and social undertones in The Hunger Games.
That's right, if you look for it, The Hunger Games is actually about the dangers of conformity and life under an oppressive totalitarian regime. It's even reasonable to find indictments of slave labor. The citizens of the districts have to choice in what they do. If you're from District 12, you work in a mine. If you're from District 1, you work in a Starbucks. Maybe, I don't really remember what they're specialty was, other than being dicks.
There was commentary on class divisions and the inequalities of wealth. Once the games begin, the so-called Career Tributes take an instant lead, having had the wealth to train for the games their whole lives. It took a scrappy survivor from the crappiest district to turn that on its head.
Twilight however, centers on the impossible choice an unattractive girl must make, between an effeminate vampire who sparkles or an effeminate werewolf who sheds. Probably. I lost interest just typing that sentence. I can't even imagine sitting through the books or the movies. Sparkly vampire or emo werewolf. What a choice. She'd be better off killing herself and hooking up with a zombie. That would be kinda cool.

Like most marriages, they grew to resent each other and
communicate only through dead-eyed stares

3) Inevitably, kids will want to dress like their movie heroes and reenact scenes.
Also inevitable is the fact that ragged teens running through the woods shooting Nerf guns at each other is infinitely more awesome than dressing like tools, putting on white face paint and pretending at weddings. Personally, I can picture myself in the woods with a group of friends, "hunting" each other down. I can also picture getting asked to leave for taking it too far.
Plus the kids playing Hunger Games will probably leave their shirts on, not exposing their pasty "chests" and leaving a path of sparkles. Seriously, have you ever tried to clean up sparkles? It's impossible, they get everywhere. Everyone knows when I spent the evening crying at a strip club cause I come with puffy eyes and sparkles all over me.

2) The female protagonist is actually attractive this time.
Lets face it, Kristin Stewart looks like her skull decided to stop forming halfway through. She has the opposite problem of Barbara Streisand, she doesn't have enough of a nose. I'd talk about her skin but she doesn't have any, she has a thin layer of cellophane. Though admittedly, they might play up her translucence for the movie and I understand that.
Jennifer Lawrence however is attractive. She looked good in X:Men First Class when she was all in blue.

The dead eyes are a bit creepy though

You know you're hot when you're cast to play a younger version of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. If you look closely, you'll notice that her face has rounded features, instead of jagged edges. Whats more, when she smiles her teeth are not terrifying.

1) As I mentioned above, you get to watch 22 teenagers die.
If you're anything like me you hate teenagers. And its not just because I'm a grumpy old man. I hated teenagers when I was a teenager. The theory is that I was born a 52 year-old man named Saul who is living a Benjamin Button life. But I still hate teenagers. They're obnoxious and loud and constantly encroaching on my way of life. I'm the obnoxious, loud one damnit.
But seriously, teenagers constantly annoy me solely with their presence and I relish the opportunity to watch them kill each other. I just wish it was more creative like in Battle Royale, the original teen free-for-all. In fact that's the only problem I have with The Hunger Games. It was already released 10 years when it was called Battle Royale. Go watch it.