Jesus The Passover Zombie

Why is it I can't go a week without talking about zombies? The answer, cause zombies are awesome. This is week is different though, as we celebrate the world's most popular zombie holiday, Easter. This year is a rare one, with Passover and Easter falling at the same time. From what I know about both holidays, I've developed what I feel is an accurate portrait of events. I call it the Story of Jesus the Passover Zombie.

You don't start off life as a zombie

Jesus was living in Egypt when the Pharaoh decreed that all bearded Jews must be sacrificed to the Egyptian god Rahpotepotep or something. So Moses, who used to share a studio apartment with Jesus, went to Pharaoh and told him no dice and demanded his people be set free. Pharaoh laughed and started pelting Moses with crocodiles.
So Moses went home and cried about it until Jesus came over with a sixer of PBR. Jesus told him of this burnout he knows named George and how he managed to get out of his contract with the Pharaoh. Basically, George pranked Pharaoh until he gave in. Together, Jesus and Moses developed a plan to prank the hell out of Pharaoh in increasingly odd and eventually disturbing pranks. It should be noted that later versions translate prank as plague.
A few of them were easy, mostly involving hucking frogs and locusts at Pharaoh when he watched ancient Egyptian reality TV. Others proved more challenging. For the prank of darkness, Jesus and Moses, along with the apostles, and a bunny went around blowing out candles and secretly putting blindfolds on everyone. You don't want to know what that bunny had to do for the cattle disease prank.
They were all gathering at a local Applebees when Pharaoh's men came for Jesus. He apparently owed a ton of grain for back-taxes and parking tickets. This is where the story gets a little hazy. Its clear that Jesus was thrown in jail and was killed brutally, but the order is not clear. Scholars suggest that he was killed in jail for refusing to be anyones bitch. Other scholars agree with this.

Right there buddy

So anyway with Jesus dead, Moses and the gang had to carry on in his spirit. Over the next 3 days, they were churning out the pranks. The Torah only speaks of ten, but there were literally dozens of pranks. Not all are worth mentioning though. Hiding all the Pharaoh's toilet paper and sneaking laxatives into his wine might be funny, but it doesn't play well in religious texts.
Then one night, Jesus appeared to Moses as he slept. He complimented the short-sheeting of Pharaohs bed, calling it "ballsy" and went on to work out the final prank with Moses. What Pharaoh never knew was that killing Jesus only makes him more powerful than he could imagine. So the next day, Moses went to Pharaoh, demanding his peoples freedom. Again Pharaoh laughed in his face and called him so very anti-semitic names. Moses promised that the first born sons of all Egyptian families shall be eaten by Zombie Jesus. Pharaoh did not believe in Zombie Jesus.

Ever notice how much Moses looks like Mel Brooks?

That evening all the Jewish families prepared by smearing their doors with lambs blood. Moses knew that Jesus never ate lamb after he had to slaughter his pet lamb Chester. Even the smell of lamb was enough to evoke strong feelings in him. During the night Moses stayed up listening to the sounds of screams as parents discovered Zombie Jesus had come for their sons.
Pharaoh awoke to find his son dead in his bed, half eaten. It may have been true that he always felt his son was a disappointment, but he was still devastated. Pharaoh called Moses, horrified at the escalation, to tell him his people were free. Moses immediately gathered his crew and headed into the desert, with Zombie Jesus covering his escape.
While Moses was leading the Jews through the desert, Zombie Jesus held off the Egyptian forces. It got easier for Zombie Jesus, as standard zombie rules still applied. If you get bitten by Zombie Jesus, you turn into a Zombie savior. As the generations of biting move further from the original bite by Zombie Jesus, the person becomes less of a savior. And that's how we have Christians today.
So that's the story of Zombie Jesus, the Hero of Passover. Made possible only by the rare occurrence of both holidays on the same weekend. Oh yeah, and Pharaoh drowned in his pool shortly after Moses and the Jews left.