Two Dongs Don't Make A Right

I'm starting to get concerned. The zombie apocalypse may be upon us, for real this time. At this point we've all heard about the Miami Zombie. Well it didn't take long for a Chinese rip-off to hit the net. Last week in Wenzhou, a drunk Chinese man attacked a woman and ate part of her face. Hang on a sec while I run to the bathroom to throw up.
Anyway, Mr. Dong (I swear that's his real name) reportedly stumbled into the street where Mrs. Du was driving. She stopped short at which point Dong jumped on the hood of the car and started pounding on the windshield. Mrs. Du got rightfully spooked and tried to jump out of the car and run away. But we all know you can't run from a drunk Dong.
Dong tackled Du and started biting her face. It took several people to pull Dong off of her and when they did, her face was bloody. Doctors so far have stated that she'll need at least 2 surgeries. Dong was apprehended by the police and was captured "alive". I use the term loosely since he will now be known as the Chinese Zombie.
Reports are that he drank almost a liter of baijiu. For those who don't know, baijiu was created by the devil in an attempt to destroy mankind. Unfortunately the Chinese developed a taste for it. It averages 40-60% alcohol and can strip paint off a boat. I know I like to be colorful in my descriptions but baijiu really is as bad as I make it out to be. Anyone who says they like it is either a raging alcoholic or they want people to think they're cool.

Baijiu was involved in the creation of this photo

I have had to be poured into a taxi after drinking a fraction of that much baijiu. Dongs friends (who we shall refer to as Balls) were later found all passed out, a common reaction to baijiu. Dong is currently being held for aggravated assault, but I feel like that's not descriptive enough for him. Attempted Zombification sounds better.
To my reader I tell you this, stock up on clean water and dehydrated foods. Arm yourself but don't rely on guns. Most importantly, stay inside and barricade the doors and windows. It's time.