The Booby Bandit: Followup

You know what I love? I love self-referential humor. It creates a feeling of consistency and continuity of humor. I also love boobs. Today, we're covering both. Last week I told you about Australias best robber, the Buxom Bandit. Well she has reportedly turned herself in.
Her name is Tonee Walker, which apparently passes for a name in Australia. She says she put her boobs on display so that the people she was robbing had "something to look at". What a thoughtful thief she is. I know when I rob gas stations, I like to leave one of my balls hanging out for the same reason.

Yeah, this doesn't look like it's off her own amateur porn site.
Not that I know what amateur porn sites look like.

No word yet on why she robbed the gas station but I'm guessing it was to get bra money. It's still undetermined if she she is indeed the Buxom Bandit since she turned herself in. There's just as good a chance of it being a random attention whore trying to kick start an acting career.
This is part of the Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian school of marketing; show your boobs (and more) and you'll be famous for it leading to a career where you make millions traveling the world while demonstrating why we as a species are dead inside. All that said though, boobs are awesome.

By the way, tomorrows post will be late if it comes at all. I'm heading to my brother-in-laws and I have no idea when I'll be home.

The Booby Bandit

Boobs. That should be enough of a post but I'm told I should expand on my reasons. Several days ago a gas station was robbed in Gold Coast, Australia. Since we're American, who gives a crap. But if you harken back to the first word of this post, you should be able to put two and two together. A woman, who is now being referred to as the "Buxom Bandit" held the gas station up at knife point. 

What you see there is a still from the security camera footage. As you can see the nickname is well earned. She made two major mistakes. First, she didn't wear a mask. Second, having not worn a mask, she should have just not bothered wearing a shirt. That way, nobody would notice that she's not wearing a mask. 

The Buxom Bandit is still at very large (prepare for boob jokes). The gas station was the only thing being held up that day (get it, cause her boobs are bouncing around). She may not left fingerprints, but she certainly left an impression. She reportedly drove into the gas station, no word on if the top was down on her car but I'm guessing it was at least very low. 

I'm trying really hard (giggidy) to come up with more boob jokes but I have to admit that I'm a little distracted. Not by the boobs, but by the clear crime problem in Australia. It's almost as if the country was founded centuries ago by prisoners kicked out of somewhere else. Also boobs. 

This Will Haunt My Dreams

What is it with the ocean? Why is it trying to kill us so hard? Oh right, probably the ocean dumping. Anyway, in case you didn't need it, I found another reason to stay the hell out of the water, and yes it involves sharks. If a 20 foot great white shark gets caught in the Gulf of Mexico, what could be worse? This:

Some Australian daredevils were fishing off Bondi Beach when they caught a modest blue shark. Despite the fact that they were on a 32 foot boat, they decided to just tie a rope around its tail and tow it home. Because if they brought the little bastard on the boat, they wouldn't have bait for their bigger catch. While they're towing it and presumably high-fiving each other, a massive great white shark took the bait. What's with the white-on-blue crime?

The fourth one down is lunch for the third one down

The great white, which I shall refer to as The Armageddon of Hate, smelled a free meal and shot out of nowhere to take a bite. Because it's the The Armageddon of Hate, it bit the smaller shark in two and then started going after the boat. The bastard played tug-of-war for a while before realizing he had a dead blue shark floating away that he could so much more easily.
The question this raises for me is who exactly is fishing, and for what?

• The crazy-ass fishermen who knew that it takes a big bait to catch a big fish and decided to fight fire with fire by using a shark to land a shark. 
• The Armageddon of Hate, who was this close to watering a 32-footer!  The Armageddon of Hate is a well known humanfish (literal opposite of fisherman)
• God, Satan, or both, who are fishing because they can.

So if this isn't enough to confine your swimming to chlorinated water, then watch a couple episodes of River Monsters.

Snakes Really Do Fly Commercial

Hollywood! Now that I have your attention, Hollywood! Today I bring you a story inspired by fake events .In a perfect example of life imitating art, we have the story of an Australian flight, doomed to repeat he greatest Samuel L. Jackson film of all time. That's right, the pilot of this plane had to fight a super-intelligent shark. 

So thats how Nick Fury lost his eye

Sorry, I got my movies mixed up. I meant to say that an Australian pilot was forced to do an emergency landing when he glanced down and saw a mothaf***in' snake on his mothaf***in' plane! There was a five foot long golden tree snake in the cockpit. I quick wikipedia search will tell you that these snakes are non-venomous and have the ability to glide, earning the nickname the flying snake. I'm glad for the non-venomous part but the flying part is enough to make me never go to Australia, or Monster Island as its also known.
The plane has since been grounded until they find the snake. But in the search so far they've also found a green tree frog, a minotaur, 2 baby krakens and a crapload of peanuts. My theory is that this flying snake flew onto the plane during takeoff because even it was tired of living in the deathtrap that is Australia.

So long suckers!

My advice is to avoid Australia at all costs, where even if you try to leave, the environment is still going to try to kill you. Don't try taking a boat out either, or box jellyfish will swarm your boat and shout racist insults at you.