It Has Begun: Zombies in Miami

Have you noticed how I'm usually writing about zombies or horrors from the depths of our oceans? Well I haven't noticed either. Imagine when zombies start emerging out of the ocean. Well today I'm not writing about fish.
Making the news recently is a man in Miami getting naked and eating another mans face. Police were called by a passerby who noticed a naked guy on the ground chewing on the face of another dude. He was allegedly pulling pieces off with his teeth and swallowing them. Police had to shoot him after he ignored instructions to stop eating that dudes face.
Already the evidence of zombification is mounting but after he was shot, the man continued his lunch. He was eventually shot to death, presumably by removing the head or destroying the brain. Police are saying that the man was under a drug-induced psychosis, possibly from cocaine, possibly from LSD, definitely not weed though.

Drug-induced psychosis my ass! This man was clearly a zombie. Look at the evidence, he was eating a persons face and kept going after the cops shot him more than a half dozen times. I always thought I'd do ok in a zombie apocalypse except for the fact I live in a basement apartment. And speaking of zombie apocalypse, I recommend reading World War Z by Max Brooks.
So as if Scarface and Dexter weren't enough to keep you out of Miami, now you can add naked zombies to the list.

Brains Are The Goal

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring dire news today. It would seem that the zombie apocalypse is upon us, and its starting with professional athletes. Making the news this week is the story of Fabrice Muamba, professional soccer player for the Bolton Wanderers. Shortly before halftime in a game against the Tottenham Tater Tots (might not be their actual name), Muamba dropped to the turf, his heart no longer beating.
Lucky for him there was a cardiologist in attendance who managed to make it onto the field to save him before being tackled by security. No word on if he actually intended on streaking. Word got out that Muamba was effectively dead for 78 minutes. His heart was not beating during that 78 minutes. To put that in perspective, if he were not dead, he could have watched an entire episode of Alcatraz and still have time to blog about its pointlessness. However, since he was technically dead he didn't watch Alcatraz, much like everyone else.
First of all, this guy is badass. So badass, I might be forced to induct him into the Badass Hall of Fame. We'll see how the votes go. More importantly, he came back to life after 78 minutes of death, meaning he is the worlds first zombie.

A terrifying start

Us mortals have a lot to fear if professional athletes are going all zombie on us. Imagine going for a nice swim on a hot summers day only to have a zombie Michael Phelps pull you under and eat you, all while wearing a swimming cap. A day at the park ruined by zombie Troy Polamalu tackling and then eating you. I wouldn't worry too much about zombie Lebron James, as he'll likely choke on the first bite.
Of course if we can harness these zombie athletes, or zombathletes, then we could have a whole new industry on our hands. Zombies racing around a track, chasing a steak on a fishing line. Zombie football would be cheaper since you can save money on equipment. Zombies don't have to worry about concussions and you can be guaranteed they'll have a good solid grasp on the need for a running game.
If AMC's The Walking Dead is any indication, there will be huge ratings for the Zombie Olympics. We just have to keep the zombathletes away from the torch. The last thing we want is flaming zombies. So when the world is enthralled by the 2016 Fresno Zombie Olympics, we can look back on Fabrice Muamba and thank him for introducing us to a new way to gamble.
You know, that picture above is really freaking me out so I'm going to counter it with this picture of an adorable cocker spaniel puppy. Enjoy and I apologize if you have nightmares of zombies in Manchester United jerseys chasing after you.

So cute I could eat its braaaiiiiiiins