Ok I am super-psyched, pun partially intended. If you haven't noticed, this Friday will see the release of The Avengers, a film that I am actively salivating over. I've already got my tickets bought (thank you Fandango) and have been running through the films that build up to it. All this comic book movie watching has got me thinking, however.
The five movies prior to The Avengers are all awesome and feature some great adversaries for their respective heroes. But what about all the other comic book movies that have come and gone that had lame super-villains? I lay in bed last night listing all the lamest villains to make it into a comic book movie and was inspired to share them with you. So I present the first part of a three part series listing the lamest comic book movie villains, leading up to Friday's release of The Avengers. Enjoy.
The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains
6. The Punisher - Howard Saint
2004's The Punisher was almost a good comic book movie. It came so close. The use of the slightly obscure thug The Russian was well done, seeing Frank Castle AKA The Punisher nearly get pulverized by the giant of a man. The unfortunate part is the person who hired him. Howard Saint was a Tampa area crime boss played by the useless John Travolta.
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| Behold, Tony Montana the Scientologist |
The result was John Travolta once again chewing the scenery as an angry money launderer. What makes him particularly lame, aside from the fact that the main bad guy was a Sweat Hog, is that he is a crime boss in Tampa. Yes, Tampa, a city known for tourism, theme parks and retirees. I know when I think of criminal empires, the three places that jump to mind are Bogota, Detroit and lovely Tampa. Seriously, they could have given Howard Saint more legitimacy if they said he was CFO for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. At least Buccaneers are pirates, evoking memories of Blackbeard and Captain Jack Sparrow.
Instead we get the bad guy from Battlefield Earth in a city with a district called Safety Harbor. Kudos to you filmmakers for taking the brave choice.
5. Blade Trinity - Jarko Grimwood
2004 was not a good year for comic book movie villains. We were "treated" to the release of Blade Trinity, a completely unnecessary sequel to a surprisingly good sequel (Guillermo Del Toro's Blade 2 was pretty great). In this one, half vampire Blade is a man wanted by the FBI, a chillingly accurate premonition of Wesley Snipes future. Blade is hunted not just by the government, but also a group of evil vampires (are there any other kinds) intent on resurrecting Dracula to take over the world.
We're already in dangerously lame territory but it was cemented by the inclusion of Jarko Grimwood, played by awesome WWE Champ Triple H. This actually pains me a bit cause Triple H has been one of my favorites for a long time. In Blade Trinity, Jarko Grimwood was a huge vampire with a ridiculous name and a fluffy dog.
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| You're so cute I could suck your blood and eat you alive |
This was so close to not sucking, but they had to introduce the dog. Did I mention that the dog is also a vampire? Pretty sure I did. Seriously, having a badass like Triple H as a villain seems like a surefire bet. The only way to sabotage it would be to give him a terrible name and make him in love with a tiny dog. Oh wait.
I know what you're thinking, "But Dave, you love your dog Flexxo". It's true, I do. But I'm also not a vampire or a super-villain nor a pro wrestler, despite my best attempts at all three. All of the ass-kicking he does in the movie is completely wiped out by his fury when he finds out his dog is dead. So, Jarko Grimwood, you earned your place on this list.
Come back tomorrow for Part 2, where I reveal the 4th and 3rd lamest comic book movie villains.
