Flying Blind Baby Alert!

Today is Valentines Day. The day in which everybody tries to make up to their significant others for accidentally calling her Rick once when I was drunk and confused. To me it seems like a worthless holiday. You can fuck up 364 days but youre forgiven if you remember to pick up flowers at 711. Love is apparently only relevant for one day in February. How come theres no holiday to celebrate my hate? Sure, I hate everyday of the rest of the year, but I dont get any recognition for it.
But theres one thing that bothers me the most about VDay. Cupid. Its meant to be a adorable creature who spreads love with magic arrows. Lets take a look at the horrifying reality of Cupid. Its a blind baby with a weapon flying through the air. We would never give a real toddler (blind or not) a bow and arrows, but give it wings and it gets license to fly around shooting people. Is it Cupids supposed youth that makes him untouchable? We forgive children for everything "cause they dont know any better yet". I dont think Cupid counts as a baby anymore. Hes been flying around blindly firing arrows for decades. The bastard is older than me, yet when I wear a diaper and wings and shoot people with arrows, I get arrested and hit with a restraining order.
Does this tiny bastard have a pilots license? Is that weapon registered? Was there a mandatory five day waiting period before he got it? How the hell does a blind baby fill out the necessary forms? Was he born with the wings or were they later grafted on? How does he aim? Does he have echolocation like a bat? I need answers.

All the nights and all the days, minus Friday nights cause its Shabbat

Im not entirely sure, but I think I made my official standup debut. Tonight was the New Laffs Industry Showcase at the Broadway Comedy Club. I went on stage close to 11:00. I have to admit that my legs were literally shaking. Luckily there was a stool to sit on. I think the image would have been complete if I had a cowboy hat and a bolo tie. 

Anyway, Some of my jokes killed, others maimed. I obviously cant tell for sure but it felt like I got a really good reaction. My opener killed. My closer killed. I honestly feel really good right now. I still took my prozac but I feel good nonetheless. Many people seem to be surprised when they learn that this is really only my 8th time behind a mic, and the others were open mic nights. 

The thing I learned is something Ive been told before. I need to relax on stage and be myself. Im telling good jokes, but Im not telling anything about myself. If I can connect with the audience, I will destroy their humor fuses. I think I need to remember what it was like in class. I always said its very similar to doing standup; you talk in front of a group of people and nobody responds. 

Speaking of fuses, my sisters baby daddys car wouldnt start. No electricity, and then magically it did. Im starting to believe in karma.

A Perfect Storm of Insomnia

Today I spent several hours with my four year old niece. I love her to pieces but she has a way of sucking all the energy out of a person. And yet Im still awake. Sadly she also has the tendency to pounce on my bad leg. Follow this with a poorly timed coffee and my nerves about tonights performance, and that means no sleep for me. 

Tonight is my first real comedy show, instead of just an open mic. Im not so much nervous, as excited. And I think I thought of my sign-off joke. Here it is in preview form, more than twelve hours before its debut. Enjoy.

What do you get when you cross Sarah Palin and Mel Gibson?

                                   ----I dont know but I wouldnt let it near Poland

Poison!

That girl? No. That burger. It would seem there are more differences between American and Chinese cuisine than I expected. The kitchens in restaurants in China are not known for their cleanliness. Instead of killing all who dare eat there, the filth and flavors combine for amazing things. Its like when 2 really fat people try to get through a door and they get stuck. The people inside remain safe from their cellulite.
But American food establishments follow basic cleanliness and food safety guidelines. Using real beef, quality oil, and vegetables that havent been grown in s#!t. All these combine to hit my stomach like a delicious bunker buster bomb. Without going into too much detail, all of those quality ingredients exited the way they came in.
Im forced to wonder how many people in my own house heard me gorg-horging my innards out and decided to roll over and go back to sleep. I know it wasnt a quiet process. Did they assume it was the radiator turning on? Or perhaps the sounds got incorporated into their dreams. The most likely answer is that they all smiled at my pain and used the sounds of my regurgitation to lull them back to sleep.
It was a great burger going down though.

Scientists report new lifeform found in Conan OBriens beard

Earlier today, scientists at the Mid-Pacific Institute for Oceanography and Alienology announced an entirely new form of life has been found in the most unlikely of places – Conan O’Briens beard. Dr. Otto Milkfordshire, Chairman of the Institute presented the very first living specimens of Coco Sapiens Rex at a press conference Monday.

            “We are thrilled to share this discovery with the world. Who would have thought to find a wholly unique life form in a talk show hosts facial hair, let alone one on basic cable. This discovery really forces us to take a look at the fundamental forces that drive evolution” Dr Milkfordshire said.

            A plasma-based creature, Coco Sapiens Rex, or Conamites as the team calls them, live in Conan O’Briens beard hair and subsides primarily on crumbs it finds there. Though it is invisible to the naked eye, it releases a powerful pheromone that causes the host to mime like a Depression era marionette. Furthermore this pheromone causes female celebrities to find the host charming and hilarious.

            Perhaps most interesting is that Conamites are only found in Mr. O’Briens beard hair. Researchers were stunned to find none living in his older and more famous pompadour. Though they are found in the sideburns, it is rare for Conamites to live above the ear line. Further searches of his body hair were fruitless when it was realized he has none.

            This is not the first new species discovered in a talk show hosts beard. David Lettermans beard was home to a new subspecies of rice and Jon Stewart was forced to shave his beard when a new species of parasitic mollusk had evolved on Mr. Stewarts chinstrap. But the Conamite represents a new genus entirely, having too many fundamental biological differences.

            “This is the most singular thing I’ve ever experienced “ Karl Fudabaker, writer, futurist and leader of the team responsible for the discovery said. “To think that millions of dollars are wasted on the search for extra-terrestrial life when theres clearly so much more biodiversity here than we ever though. There are nothing like Conamites anywhere on Earth.”

            This announcement is sure to reopen the debate on the study of late night talk shows. Many feel this will strengthen the historically tentative position of the science of chatology.

            “Conamites give validation to my lifes work” said Professor Mitchell Fistington of Diploma University’s Department of Chatology. For researchers like Professor Fistington, Coco Sapiens Rex represents the future of their profession.

            Dr. Milkfordshire believes the discovery of Conamites will lead to a boom in the study of the bearded ecosystem. “The existence of Conamites leads us to more questions than ever. Are they capable of living in other beards? What effect does the redness of Conan’s beard have on them? Do they host their own late night talk shows? It will take years of painstaking research before we know the answers to these questions”.

            At the same press conference, Dr Milkfordshire also announced the plan to turn Conan O’Briens beard into a wildlife sanctuary devoted to protection and study of Coco Sapiens Rex. Conan O’Brien was not immediately available for comment.

Why oh why did that bird fall from the sky?

            This has so far been a bad year to be a small animal in the United States. Recently, the souls of two hundred cows were added to the tragic death toll. Masses of birds falling from the sky, thousands of fish floating upside down, and now the second most delicious of all animals (behind the bacon we get from pigs), these poor cows dropped dead in the middle of a field. While the media scratches their heads trying to find the reason, more animals keep falling dead. As one of todays foremost entrepreneurs, I have found the cause, and the solution.

            As the result of literally hundreds of minutes of research, the cause of these mass animal deaths has become evident. It is clearly the work of brutally efficient robot death squads. For decades these robot death squads have roamed across the United States. Most have encountered them and remained unscathed for the simple reason of their inefficiency. In the year 2000, robot death squads were responsible for 3 total deaths, two of them occurring when a Toyota colliding with a robot death squad on a dark country road. Robot death squads were more likely to kill each other than anyone else.

            While I can only guess as to the sudden spike in the efficiency, it is clear what the sequence of events has been. Robot death squads are known to have a wide range of weaponry but they’ve always had very poor aim. What is now clear to me is that all of these animal deaths can be attributed to the testing of various robot death squad weapons.

            When thousands of birds fell out of the sky in Arkansas, robot death squads had been spotted in the area in the weeks before. Many of the birds were reported to have scorch marks and the smell of barbecue wafted through the air. For a long time, the military has tested nighttime targeting and tracking devices on blackbirds. The coloring and flight patterns of the common blackbird are said to be perfect for pushing a system to its limits. However the military uses bullets, not lasers. Therefore the dead birds can be attributed to robot death squad laser targeting systems being tested.

            Weeks before that incident, thousands of fish began floating to the surface, dead. The current leading hypothesis to explain these fish deaths is the extra cold winter. The theory is that even fish can die of hypothermia, which is of course patently untrue. Instead, this is clear evidence of testing of robot death squad marine units. Perhaps they have developed a brutally efficient depth charge. Perhaps instead the robot death squads are testing new tiny but brutally efficient torpedoes. Or most alarmingly, perhaps they have instead adapted themselves to an aquamarine environment. The thought of brutally efficient robot death squads patrolling our waterways is especially unsettling.

            Most recently, two hundred delicious cows dropped dead in a field with no signs of direct trauma. This leads to the most terrifying question of all. Have the robot death squads developed biological weapons? Which leads only to more questions: What effect will these bio-weapons have on humans? Is the beef still edible? Are the robot death squads capable of appreciating the irony of a synthetic non-organic life form creating a biological weapon?

            As a human, and an American, I am in the line of fire of these now brutally efficient robot death squads. So is my family. So is yours. However, I can now offer certainty in an uncertain time; robot death squad insurance. You may not have a job or medical insurance, but you can be protected against sudden attack by brutally efficient robot death squads. Rates vary according to area and level of risk. For more information, call the number at the bottom of your screen.

            

Back, Front, but Only One Side

Back from a long weekend in Rhode Island. I have one complaint. Snow and ice can suck it. Actually it wasnt that bad until the drive home. Now its back to the job hunt. Looking for a position as a getaway driver or perhaps a high society jewel heist. I always imagined it would be fun to rent a tux, go to a cotillion or whatever that is, seduce an older wealthy dowager and then silently make off with the jewels her late husband brought back from India. I figure that would last me for a few months.
Im looking at proofreading jobs. I think they would be a good application for my teaching experience. I had a very encouraging dream the other night. I dreamt I was on a bus and there happened to be three or four castmembers from Saturday Night Live. I then started asking them for advice on how to get started. The encouraging thing when somebody (not sure who) said "A person who is funny enough is bound to get noticed"
But enough of this semi-serious stuff. I'd like to finish on a high note
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!