This has so far been a bad year to be a small animal in the United States. Recently, the souls of two hundred cows were added to the tragic death toll. Masses of birds falling from the sky, thousands of fish floating upside down, and now the second most delicious of all animals (behind the bacon we get from pigs), these poor cows dropped dead in the middle of a field. While the media scratches their heads trying to find the reason, more animals keep falling dead. As one of todays foremost entrepreneurs, I have found the cause, and the solution.
As the result of literally hundreds of minutes of research, the cause of these mass animal deaths has become evident. It is clearly the work of brutally efficient robot death squads. For decades these robot death squads have roamed across the United States. Most have encountered them and remained unscathed for the simple reason of their inefficiency. In the year 2000, robot death squads were responsible for 3 total deaths, two of them occurring when a Toyota colliding with a robot death squad on a dark country road. Robot death squads were more likely to kill each other than anyone else.
While I can only guess as to the sudden spike in the efficiency, it is clear what the sequence of events has been. Robot death squads are known to have a wide range of weaponry but they’ve always had very poor aim. What is now clear to me is that all of these animal deaths can be attributed to the testing of various robot death squad weapons.
When thousands of birds fell out of the sky in Arkansas, robot death squads had been spotted in the area in the weeks before. Many of the birds were reported to have scorch marks and the smell of barbecue wafted through the air. For a long time, the military has tested nighttime targeting and tracking devices on blackbirds. The coloring and flight patterns of the common blackbird are said to be perfect for pushing a system to its limits. However the military uses bullets, not lasers. Therefore the dead birds can be attributed to robot death squad laser targeting systems being tested.
Weeks before that incident, thousands of fish began floating to the surface, dead. The current leading hypothesis to explain these fish deaths is the extra cold winter. The theory is that even fish can die of hypothermia, which is of course patently untrue. Instead, this is clear evidence of testing of robot death squad marine units. Perhaps they have developed a brutally efficient depth charge. Perhaps instead the robot death squads are testing new tiny but brutally efficient torpedoes. Or most alarmingly, perhaps they have instead adapted themselves to an aquamarine environment. The thought of brutally efficient robot death squads patrolling our waterways is especially unsettling.
Most recently, two hundred delicious cows dropped dead in a field with no signs of direct trauma. This leads to the most terrifying question of all. Have the robot death squads developed biological weapons? Which leads only to more questions: What effect will these bio-weapons have on humans? Is the beef still edible? Are the robot death squads capable of appreciating the irony of a synthetic non-organic life form creating a biological weapon?
As a human, and an American, I am in the line of fire of these now brutally efficient robot death squads. So is my family. So is yours. However, I can now offer certainty in an uncertain time; robot death squad insurance. You may not have a job or medical insurance, but you can be protected against sudden attack by brutally efficient robot death squads. Rates vary according to area and level of risk. For more information, call the number at the bottom of your screen.
No comments:
Post a Comment