One More

Ok I thought of another one: Iron Man My Ass Hurts After That Colonoscopy. That is all

The Worlds Third Most Disturbing Contest

I enjoy watching Jeopardy. I make no secret of this. I like trivia games and getting answers right makes me feel smart. I had just gotten a particularly tricky question right (the answer was "usurp") when they went to commercial. Normally I take this time to pee but I was riveted to my seat by the most memorable commercial of the last 8 years.
Ozzy Osbourne comes on screen so I figure I'm in store for either an awesome rock ballad or some mumbling followed by falling down. Either way, I'm not turning away. Imagine my elated surprise to hear Ozzy tell us his dream - to fly to New York and get a colonoscopy. Thats right, the Blizzard of Ozz, the Prince of Darkness lays awake at night imagining his perfect weekend getaway to New York and it includes sticking a camera up his ass.
Frankly this has resulted in an overload of ass-related puns that I just dont know how to process. After much contemplation (4-7 seconds) I have decided to present a list of these puns. I will now break from my standard format to present Ozzy Osbourne Colonoscopy Puns:
Crazy Train with a camera on the front going up my ass
Bark At The Moon (The moon being my ass and the bark being a camera)
Back on Earth, To Get a Colonoscopy
No More Tears - he hopes
Paranoid, about bending over in a hospital gown
Goodbye to Romance because youre sticking a camera up my ass
I Just Want You To Stick A Camera Up My Ass
Mama I'm Coming Home To Get A Colonoscopy
Mr. Crowley Just Stuck A Camera Up My Ass

I can probably keep going with this but so far none of these have technically been puns. The level of incredulity is too high for me to even truly understand the meaning of the word pun. For those of you who dont believe this is a real thing I present to you a link to the official contest website. Note how the first line says that this is an actual contest. Clearly I was not the only person to question its veracity. Of course its not just about flying to NY and shoving a camera up your pooper, the winner also gets to stay in a luxury hotel and even bring a companion. There is no mention about if your companion also gets a colonoscopy.
I mentioned in the title that this is the third most disturbing contest. Because I know you're curious here are the number one and two most disturbing contests. Second is Readers Digests 1989 contest where the winner gets to fly to Burbank to get kicked in the nuts 12 and a half times by Dick Clark. And the number one most disturbing contest of all time goes to the Czech Republics Pravda Magazine's 2004 Most Inflamed Goiter Contest. It wins because of its promise to inflame the goiters of all its participants.
Anyway, now that I've managed to gross myself out, I think I'm going to go throw up for a bit and then submit my name for CBS Cares Colonoscopy Sweepstakes. Hmm, I wonder if Ozzy performs the procedure himself.

My my, how shocking

Fish have to swim. Birds have to fly. Dogs have to bark. Unless they live in an apartment building that is. Thats right, our recent move brought us to a nice ground floor apartment. The dog, who for the purposes of this blog shall be called Flexxo, likes to bark. He hears a noise and he wants to bark to tell us about it. He sees a person and he barks to say hello. He sees a tree and he barks in recognition (get it? a tree has bark).
Anyway, apparently this is frowned upon in an apartment building so we had to take steps to prevent Flexxo's barking. We tried beating him unmercifully when he barked but that just made my arm tired. We considered removing his vocal cords but then we'd lose the tenor in our a capella group. Also the surgery is really expensive unless you want to forego things like anaesthetic and clean instruments. So we were left with only one choice - an anti-barking collar.
Basically, it works by sensing the vibrations in his vocal chords and giving him a little static shock. I tested it on myself before hooking him up. When I woke up several hours later, I put in a smaller battery and tried again. This time I got a little jolt that made me question if I wanted to bark but didnt hurt. So we strapped it on the little monkey dog and let him loose on the world. He let out a couple barks and stopped abruptly with a confused look plastered on his adorable face.
After nearly a week with the collar (or less, I have trouble telling time) its been pretty effective. He hasnt stoped barking altogether, but its been cut to about 10% of former bark volume. Thats a big difference for Flexxo. Now when he hears somebody come in the building he gives a harumph bark and stops. He gives the door a quizzical look and gives us a confused one. Then he moves on with his life.
Yes, there is the constant guilt of knowing that my beloved Flexxo is getting shocked just for being himself, but these are the sacrifices we have to make. Perhaps in the spirit of fairness and solidarity I will get a collar for myself. I'm sure my good lady wife would appreciate a few moments of silence from me. Either that or I will become addicted to the electricity and become some sort of super-villian. You know, this is suddenly seeming like a really great idea.

Generic Post Title #2812

Well its been a long week and a silent one at that but I swear I have a good reason. After a year of living in what is generously called a hovel, we have moved on to better digs. It wasnt that the old place was ugly and terrible. It was more the fact that it was built in the late 1970's and hasnt been touched since. The carpet was one step below shag and the wall panelling was clearly inspired by my dentists old office. There was a serious lack of insulation so during the winter we either froze or had to sell our bodies to pay for propane heat. The lack of insulation should have been great during the summer but for some reason, the place turned into a dutch oven, even without farting. I struggle to call the kitchen a kitchen because it was more of a closet with a stove. I wont terrify you, dear reader, with the details of the bathroom. Needless to say, I'm glad that I will no longer have to duck when I take a shower.
So we spent the week moving. It turns out moving takes a lot longer when all you have is a 2003 Nissan Sentra to ferry everything to the new place. We rented a Uhaul for a day and blitzed the furniture which resulted in the total collapse of my rather impressive musculature. By the end of that day, my arms and legs felt like ribbons. I drove back and forth over the next couple days; filling the car, emptying it, fixing up the old place, doing supply runs.
All told, this was the most exhausting move I've ever done and it also happened to be the shortest distance too. Moving to China and back was easier. Mostly because all I had was a trunk and a duffel bag. Now that the move is done we are able to settle in. We finally have TV and internet. Never thought going 5 days without internet would be so hard.
Anyway, Now that I'm back online I can continue posting to my wildly popular blog. Future topics include colonoscopy contests, awkward pimples, cookies, shock collars, and robotic velociraptors.

GGGGIIIIAAAANNNNTTTTSSSS!!!!

Let me get this out of the way. GIANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, Thats better. So anyone who knows me knows that I'm a hugely gigantic Giants fan. Its hard to quantify how big a fan I am so I'll use the completely scientifically objective 1-10 with 1 = I'm not much of a fan of those gentlemen at all, and 10 = This is so amazing that I'm forced to punch myself in the crotch repeatedly for reasons that make no sense. With that scale now established, I would rate myself at about an 11 on the NY Giants Fan Scale. 11, in this case is equal to roughly six thousand megatons of holy-ass-in-a-handbasket.
Now we get a rematch of one of the greatest football games of all time. I know my G-Men can make it happen, its just what they do. The reason Eli isn't considered elite is because he doesnt have a super model wife or an endorsement deal with Ugg Boots. But he doesnt complain, he just goes out onto the field and wins. Then he goes home to his wife in his Ferrari made out of pure gold. True story, I was on a plane with him and he sneezed and the most mesmerizing diamonds came out of his nose. They sparkled like nothing else. Typically, a poet would compare these gems to the stars in the sky but those are inadequate to describe their breathtaking beauty.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Giants rock, Pats can suck it. This is going to be an interesting few weeks as I live in central Massachusetts and I proudly wear my Giants gear constantly. I'd better be careful.
Long Live Eli! Eli for MVP of Life!

A Real Conundrum

Here I sit at 11pm playing NFL Blitz on XBox 360. My wife is asleep, after having an exhausting day (giggidy) with the dog snoring at her feet. I'm playing as the Giants of course. Right now I'm on defense and I'm ready to blitz. I break through the line and come like a freight train at the quarter back. A cartoonishly proportioned Antrel Rolle is bearing down on poor Josh Freeman. One thing is for certain, he's about to get pounded into the field. He tries to shuttle pass the ball away but succeeds only in tossing it into my hands as I launch into the air to flatten the QB.
INTERCEPTION!
and a sack. I'm watching the replay and all I want to do is show it to somebody to prove it actually happened. I cant deal with the guilt of waking her up, so I reach for my phone. Alas, it is in the bedroom with her! There will never be proof of this awesome event! Please trust me dear reader, it actually happened.

Nicotine Patches, A Nationwide Concern

Holy handshake with a marmoset, I really want a cigarette. That has been the theme of the past week or so. You see, I promised my good lady wife that I would quit smoking and unfortunately shes holding me to it. So last week I picked up some nicotine patches and while they have been effective, I still really want a smoke.
When will the brainboxes at Big Tobacco invent a cigarette that doesnt slowly kill you? Even better would be a smokeless one so I can enjoy a guilt-free smoke anywhere. While I'm on the subject of smoking anywhere, why are there still ashtrays on airplanes? Its such a mindsex (editors note: I cleaned up the language). When you're 7 hours into an international flight and you still have 6 hours to go, its just painful to look down at my armrest and see that ashtray all welded shut. Its like the airlines are mocking my addiction.
I started smoking for 3 reasons. First, I was in China, where over 60% of adult males smoke. You try standing up to that kind of peer pressure. Thats roughly 400 million smokers. I was enough of an outsider, I didnt want to make it worse. The second reason was to change my voice. I always wanted a deeper more gravely voice and this was my best shot. Well, I'm happy to report that it worked as I know have the manliest voice this side of the Rio Grande.
The final and perhaps more pertinent reason was to slowly kill myself. You see I'm only a tiny bit suicidal. I wanted to die, but not immediately, I mean theres still stuff to do. For example, I've never seen Memento. I've never gone cliff diving. I would like a chance to rekindle my professional mud wrestling career. These things are very hard to do when you're dead. Except the cliff diving one.
You could say I'm suicidal but lazy and smoking was the easiest way to go about things. But now that I'm almost a week without a smoke, I have to find another way to slowly kill myself. Perhaps trans-fats are the key. Or maybe I should use my mobile phone more so I can court ear cancer.
I just realized how morbid this post is. Let me assure both of my readers that I'm not actually suicidal, I just talk a good game.

Alf – Hate Mongering Furry Tyrant From Behind

Being unemployed and spending my days searching for jobs leaves me a lot of time to ponder the deeper things in life. For example, it occurred to me that Eighties sitcom Alf was really an allegory for the cultural obsession with Asia during the 1970's. Kung-fu movies were gaining in popularity, sushi was discovered by the West and idiots everywhere ran their lives by what they found in fortune cookies. Despite all of his seemingly Asian features however, Alf is still clearly Jewish.

Alf rose to popularity as a thinly-veiled caricature of a typical Asian, representing several of the worst stereotypes about Asia. First and most obviously he's an alien. The creators didn't have to go literal with this but I applaud them for their courage. Having spent time in China I can say that they are a fairly alien people and that's why I love them.

The second argument is that Alf eats cats, a culinary practice commonly associated with the far east. This is not a totally unfair stereotype as there is documented proof of the consumption of cats in Asia. OF course Alf is never seen on camera eating a cat in its entirety but I seem to recall more than once seeing Alf with a cat tail hanging out of his mouth.

Even Alf's physical appearance is suspect. He is clearly very short, standing little more than four feet tall, a common belief about Asian people. I recall seeing people with a full range of heights but heels were as popular among men as they were among women.

As for his religion, I have three very strong arguments as to why Alf is Jewish. He has a big nose, a huge nose even. Combine the size of his honker with the amount of his body hair and his short stature and he couldn't look any more Jewish if he was wearing a yarmulke full-time. What really gave away his religion was the episode where he had a crisis cause someone told him that cats weren't Kosher.

Clearly Alf is the most offensive of all television characters. He offends equally the east and the west. I, for one, am thankful that Alf would not make it on TV with todays television watch groups. I am a member of one television watch group. Its myself, my wife and our dog. We meet on the couch and watch TV as a group. Betcha didn't think I'd end on such a weak pun?

Sometimes Life Happens

For the last couple months my wife and I have been debating about whether we should stay in Massachusetts or move back to New York. That decision was made for us when she got an insanely good offer from a company in Mass. Too good an offer to say no to.
What this means for me is two things; one: I have an awesome sugar-mama, and two: I just applied for 100 jobs in NY that now don't count. But my sugar-mama is, as I said, awesome. She has encouraged me to write and go back to stand up. Sure, I may beat her at Trivial Pursuit but she kicks my ass at life.
In the meantime I've been a great house-husband. Right now I'm looking around and laundry I have to put away and the bed I have to make and what to make for dinner and clean up the table. I've decided my ideal job is one that allows me to write from home so I can work and take care of the house. In the evenings, I can do stand-up.
It just occurred to me that this is the least funny of my blog posts and if I want to drum up traffic, I'll have to finish strong.
Did you know that a glorfindell is a small hammer used by dwarves to make jewelry? It must be true, I only just made it up.