Nicotine Patches, A Nationwide Concern

Holy handshake with a marmoset, I really want a cigarette. That has been the theme of the past week or so. You see, I promised my good lady wife that I would quit smoking and unfortunately shes holding me to it. So last week I picked up some nicotine patches and while they have been effective, I still really want a smoke.
When will the brainboxes at Big Tobacco invent a cigarette that doesnt slowly kill you? Even better would be a smokeless one so I can enjoy a guilt-free smoke anywhere. While I'm on the subject of smoking anywhere, why are there still ashtrays on airplanes? Its such a mindsex (editors note: I cleaned up the language). When you're 7 hours into an international flight and you still have 6 hours to go, its just painful to look down at my armrest and see that ashtray all welded shut. Its like the airlines are mocking my addiction.
I started smoking for 3 reasons. First, I was in China, where over 60% of adult males smoke. You try standing up to that kind of peer pressure. Thats roughly 400 million smokers. I was enough of an outsider, I didnt want to make it worse. The second reason was to change my voice. I always wanted a deeper more gravely voice and this was my best shot. Well, I'm happy to report that it worked as I know have the manliest voice this side of the Rio Grande.
The final and perhaps more pertinent reason was to slowly kill myself. You see I'm only a tiny bit suicidal. I wanted to die, but not immediately, I mean theres still stuff to do. For example, I've never seen Memento. I've never gone cliff diving. I would like a chance to rekindle my professional mud wrestling career. These things are very hard to do when you're dead. Except the cliff diving one.
You could say I'm suicidal but lazy and smoking was the easiest way to go about things. But now that I'm almost a week without a smoke, I have to find another way to slowly kill myself. Perhaps trans-fats are the key. Or maybe I should use my mobile phone more so I can court ear cancer.
I just realized how morbid this post is. Let me assure both of my readers that I'm not actually suicidal, I just talk a good game.