With the release of The Avengers, I've taken stock of some of the other comic-book movies and their villains. Some have been resounding triumphs, like The Joker or Loki. However for every Two-Face there are 2 lame-ass villains. So I present to you...
The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains
6. The Punisher - Howard Saint
2004's The Punisher was almost a good comic book movie. It came so close. The use of the slightly obscure thug The Russian was well done, seeing Frank Castle AKA The Punisher nearly get pulverized by the giant of a man. The unfortunate part is the person who hired him. Howard Saint was a Tampa area crime boss played by the useless John Travolta.
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| Behold, Tony Montana the Scientologist |
Instead we get the bad guy from Battlefield Earth in a city with a district called Safety Harbor. Kudos to you filmmakers for taking the brave choice.
5. Blade Trinity - Jarko Grimwood
2004 was not a good year for comic book movie villains. We were "treated" to the release of Blade Trinity, a completely unnecessary sequel to a surprisingly good sequel (Guillermo Del Toro's Blade 2 was pretty great). In this one, half vampire Blade is a man wanted by the FBI, a chillingly accurate premonition of Wesley Snipes future. Blade is hunted not just by the government, but also a group of evil vampires (are there any other kinds) intent on resurrecting Dracula to take over the world.
We're already in dangerously lame territory but it was cemented by the inclusion of Jarko Grimwood, played by awesome WWE Champ Triple H. This actually pains me a bit cause Triple H has been one of my favorites for a long time. In Blade Trinity, Jarko Grimwood was a huge vampire with a ridiculous name and a fluffy dog.
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| You're so cute I could suck your blood and eat you alive |
This was so close to not sucking, but they had to introduce the dog. Did I mention that the dog is also a vampire? Pretty sure I did. Seriously, having a badass like Triple H as a villain seems like a surefire bet. The only way to sabotage it would be to give him a terrible name and make him in love with a tiny dog. Oh wait.
I know what you're thinking, "But Dave, you love your dog Flexxo". It's true, I do. But I'm also not a vampire or a super-villain nor a pro wrestler, despite my best attempts at all three. All of the ass-kicking he does in the movie is completely wiped out by his fury when he finds out his dog is dead. So, Jarko Grimwood, you earned your place on this list.
4. Spiderman 3 - Extreme Sports Harry
Ok so Spiderman 3 was definitely the weakest of the Spiderman movies, especially after the cinematic bliss that was Spiderman 2. Director Sam Raimi decided the best way to improve upon the previous film was to pile on the villains. I personally felt that Sandman was, for the most part, well done. Venom should have never been attempted but I appreciate the effort. And then we come to Extreme Sports Harry.
Of course that's not his official name. He's known as just plain old Harry Osbourne, angry over his fathers death and imbued with some new powers like, umm, fast reflexes and the ability to throw temper tantrums. At the end of Spiderman 2, Harry stumbles upon his fathers lab and armory. Instead of freaking out, he of course goes through the same gas chamber sequence and dons a body suit to take his revenge on Spidey.
If you look at the picture, you can see why I've dubbed him Extreme Sports Harry. His powers include riding a flying snowboard and wearing a ski mask. Seriously, the only way he could look less intimidating is if he were wearing a Mickey Mouse Club shirt. James Franco made a better villain in Pineapple Express, and he actually played a stoner protagonist.
He looks like he dipped into his gigantic trust fund to buy the most awesome snowboard on the planet, but used it for revenge instead of totally sweet half-pipe tricks. And then when he inevitably takes a spill, he loses his memory and ends up coming to Spidermans aid. The big flaw in Harrys plan, besides the entire thing, is that he's a rank amateur going up against a professional super-hero. And he tries it without a totally gnarly backside rodeo.
3. Superman 4: The Quest For Peace - Nuclear Man
Well well, we have our first DC Comics villain. You may ask why it took so long. Well the answer is simple: there have been fewer movies based on DC characters. DC has only had two successful film franchises, and Superman 4 is the worst of one of them. To give you the breakdown on Nuclear Man, he was created when a nuclear bomb carrying a piece of Supermans hair was thrown into the sun by Superman. Yeah, great origin story.
So what were Nuclear Mans powers you ask? He was as strong as Superman and could fly like him. But the similarities end there. Nuclear Man had, for some reason, powers of electricity and telekinesis apparently. But his best power was his super sharp and manicured nails. Seriously. He injured Superman very badly when he scratched him. That's right, he has the nails of a bag lady, only electrified.
You may be wondering where you've seen that actor before. The answer is nowhere. The part of Nuclear Man was so awful that the actor who played him never acted again. Nuclear Man's greatest power it turns out, was destroying the dreams of the actor who played him.
Ok so Spiderman 3 was definitely the weakest of the Spiderman movies, especially after the cinematic bliss that was Spiderman 2. Director Sam Raimi decided the best way to improve upon the previous film was to pile on the villains. I personally felt that Sandman was, for the most part, well done. Venom should have never been attempted but I appreciate the effort. And then we come to Extreme Sports Harry.
Of course that's not his official name. He's known as just plain old Harry Osbourne, angry over his fathers death and imbued with some new powers like, umm, fast reflexes and the ability to throw temper tantrums. At the end of Spiderman 2, Harry stumbles upon his fathers lab and armory. Instead of freaking out, he of course goes through the same gas chamber sequence and dons a body suit to take his revenge on Spidey.
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| "Do a barrel roll!" |
He looks like he dipped into his gigantic trust fund to buy the most awesome snowboard on the planet, but used it for revenge instead of totally sweet half-pipe tricks. And then when he inevitably takes a spill, he loses his memory and ends up coming to Spidermans aid. The big flaw in Harrys plan, besides the entire thing, is that he's a rank amateur going up against a professional super-hero. And he tries it without a totally gnarly backside rodeo.
3. Superman 4: The Quest For Peace - Nuclear Man
Well well, we have our first DC Comics villain. You may ask why it took so long. Well the answer is simple: there have been fewer movies based on DC characters. DC has only had two successful film franchises, and Superman 4 is the worst of one of them. To give you the breakdown on Nuclear Man, he was created when a nuclear bomb carrying a piece of Supermans hair was thrown into the sun by Superman. Yeah, great origin story.
So what were Nuclear Mans powers you ask? He was as strong as Superman and could fly like him. But the similarities end there. Nuclear Man had, for some reason, powers of electricity and telekinesis apparently. But his best power was his super sharp and manicured nails. Seriously. He injured Superman very badly when he scratched him. That's right, he has the nails of a bag lady, only electrified.
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| This picture has not been altered in any way. I swear. |
2. The Hulk - Gamma Dogs
It's a well documented fact that I love dogs. I also love the Hulk. So putting them together seems like a no-brainer. Well that's exactly how much brain Ang Lee was using when he put these three Hulked out canines in the first Hulk movie. In the film, Bruce Banners Father, played by mugshot-worthy Nick Nolte, mutates his three dogs using Gamma rays or something. Honestly, who cares?
What resulted were some of the most ridiculous looking creatures to ever be captured on film. Two of the dogs had such overmuscled heads that they looked like caricatures. It looked like someone took their dog down to the boardwalk and payed a caricature artist to draw their dog. Oh yeah, and one of the dogs was a poodle.
I know when I think of scary, intimidating dogs, a poodle pops to mind first. I had a poodle growing up. He was a big goofy sweetheart but he inspired fear in precisely nobody. Even the cat would push him around. I don't even know what that other dog is. It looks like a Choco Taco with teeth. And for some reason, these absurd beasts managed to give the Hulk a run for his money. The only part of the scene that didn't completely suck was when Hulk punched one of them in its gamma mutated balls.
I'm now picturing my Cocker Spaniel Flexxo as a Gamma Dog. He would be terrifying, licking his enemies and snoring at them. No joke, he's currently laying next to me, snoring like a chainsaw with his tongue sticking out. Scary, I know.
1. X-Men: The Last Stand - Kid Omega
Here we are with the lamest villain ever. The third X-Men movie was, to put it kindly, crap on wheels. The filmmakers decided to jam as many mutants in it as possible, failing on most of them. But no failure was as great as Kid Omega, also known as Porcupine Boy.
First of all, in the comics, that's not Kid Omega. Kid Omega was a super-smart telepath. Kind of like Professor X, only with hair and the ability to walk. X-Men 3 decided to take the name and slap it on Porcupine Boy, hoping nobody would care. Nobody did. He uses his powers twice in the movie. Once to "intimidate" Pyro and Magneto (obviously didn't work). The second time was to kill a scientist with an awesome accent.
How did he kill this scientist? By hugging her. Seriously. He hugged her and popped his spines out, stabbing her dozens of times with tiny pricks. Basically, if you pet him with the grain, you'll be ok. He was supposed to be a real villain in this movie, but instead comes off as a joke. He's part man, part hedgehog, not exactly the deadliest combination.
So its you Kid Omega. You are the lamest comic book movie villain of all time. May you munch upon all the bugs you can and be kept as a pet by a little British boy.
It's a well documented fact that I love dogs. I also love the Hulk. So putting them together seems like a no-brainer. Well that's exactly how much brain Ang Lee was using when he put these three Hulked out canines in the first Hulk movie. In the film, Bruce Banners Father, played by mugshot-worthy Nick Nolte, mutates his three dogs using Gamma rays or something. Honestly, who cares?
What resulted were some of the most ridiculous looking creatures to ever be captured on film. Two of the dogs had such overmuscled heads that they looked like caricatures. It looked like someone took their dog down to the boardwalk and payed a caricature artist to draw their dog. Oh yeah, and one of the dogs was a poodle.
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| No caption is needed. |
I'm now picturing my Cocker Spaniel Flexxo as a Gamma Dog. He would be terrifying, licking his enemies and snoring at them. No joke, he's currently laying next to me, snoring like a chainsaw with his tongue sticking out. Scary, I know.
1. X-Men: The Last Stand - Kid Omega
Here we are with the lamest villain ever. The third X-Men movie was, to put it kindly, crap on wheels. The filmmakers decided to jam as many mutants in it as possible, failing on most of them. But no failure was as great as Kid Omega, also known as Porcupine Boy.
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| It looks like he has spiny muttonchops |
How did he kill this scientist? By hugging her. Seriously. He hugged her and popped his spines out, stabbing her dozens of times with tiny pricks. Basically, if you pet him with the grain, you'll be ok. He was supposed to be a real villain in this movie, but instead comes off as a joke. He's part man, part hedgehog, not exactly the deadliest combination.
So its you Kid Omega. You are the lamest comic book movie villain of all time. May you munch upon all the bugs you can and be kept as a pet by a little British boy.
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