Don't Go Into The Water

Sharks are scary. Jaws was a scary movie. But living in Massachusetts as I do, sharks aren't normally a problem. Except for land sharks. Anyway it would seem that my days of water safety are over. So far this summer, two great white sharks have been spotted in the general Cape Cod area. Why is the water always so scary?

Anyway, last year some scientists tagged about 7 great whites that were in the open ocean about a half mile out from Chatham. 2 of them have returned. The prevailing theory is that they're here for the seafood, not knowing that steamers are out of season.
Apparently there's a colony of seals nearby that proves just too tempting. And here's the hypocrisy: when a shark attacks a seal, it's considered nature and is filmed for the BBC. When I attack a seal, it's considered cruelty to animals and gets filmed for my upcoming trial that I'm not technically allowed to talk about. All I can say in my defense is that the seal on the video was barking racist names at me.
I went to the beach in Rhode Island last weekend, following the amazing Crosby, Stills and Nash concert. There were no shark sightings but I think I have a great excuse to stay away, besides my tendency to burn in the sun. Instead I will stay on the beach and get my wife to bury me waistdeep in sand, carve two wheels on the side of me, and pretend that I'm FDR. Again.
As long as I'm scaring people with sea creatures, I might as well share this picture of an alligator gar (whatever the hell that is) that some badass in Texas shot with an arrow before wrestling it onto the shore.

This will haunt my dreams for nights to come

I don't know what the hell an alligator gar is but it should be sent back to the hellish pit it came from.
Stay out of the water people. Don't make me keep telling you.