Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Proof That I'm a Sadsack
I rouse the dog from his fourth nap of the day and get his leash on. We are ready to go. We step to the front door, confident in the success and expected glory of our forthcoming adventure. The door opens. Not by itself, I did it. Huge fat gobs of rain are falling at a speed known only by the mathematical symbol L speed, short for Ludicrous speed.
There we stood, hearts broken. I looked like an orphan asking the cruel Orphanarium Manager for more gruel. The dogs tail stopped wagging altogether. I hung my head, shut the door and stared with guilt at the dog, now more confused than anything. I didnt want him to think I was playing some cruel trick on him so I showered him with Beggin Strips (EDITORIAL NOTE: Dogs goes apespit for Beggin Strips).
Now to sit in the dark, like a dog. With a dog.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
The Great Apes
Once upon a time, there was a monkey. This monkey was very curious and would often get into mischief. Monkey was always causing trouble, wherever it went. Sometimes, it would swing from the chandeliers. Other times, it would steal a cookie right out of some poor victims hand. And still other time, it would check other peoples emails and comment on them.
One day, Monkey tricked Gorilla. Monkey took Gorilla outside, proclaiming the majesty of fireworks. But the sky was dark that night and fires were working. When Gorilla turned around, Monkey was sitting in front of the computer, checking Gorillas email! Gorilla shouted in anger. Gorilla pounded on the ground and roared. Why was Gorilla so angry?
Gorilla was so angry because Monkey had seen the confirmation email for a very special gift. This gift was intended for Monkey, but it was meant to be a surprise. Now that the surprise was ruined, Gorilla was left wondering what to do. It was too late to cancel the order since it had already shipped. So now Gorilla is stuck giving a surprise gift that isn't a surprise. Gorilla pouted and chastised Monkey for impatience. Monkey apologized. Gorilla is forgiving but still very annoyed.
Gorilla? Gorilla my dreams!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Why Your Mom is The Best
Lets face it, I love your mom. Who doesn't? She's a super classy lady. I recall when we were young and we were still learning to ride a bike. She faithfully stood on the porch and waved us on. And then when we inevitably fell over and scraped our knees, she was there with peroxide and a mommy kiss to make it all better. She never used the boring Band-aids, she always had Batman ones on hand so we looked cool at school the next day.
One of my fondest memories was when your mom packed a note into our lunches that said "I love you, be special today". We were special that day. That was the day of the auditions for the big school play. It was with her love that we had the confidence to win the coveted role of Ozone in the stage version of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. It was her who gave us old cardboard boxes to practice our moves on and her as well who gave us flowers at the curtain call.
Who was it that tearfully dropped us off at college? Your mom. And she made sure we had plenty of clean underwear and socks. It was your mom that we called the night we lost our virginity. She was so happy for us. Your mom taught us how to properly use a condom (that is, not at all. Hiyo!). She taught us about the birds and bees. God, I love your mom.
That's why you should call her to tell her how much you appreciate everything she did. Don't forget to say hi from me.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Dolphins – The Dicks of the Sea
Really, the title says it all. Have you ever seen dolphins on the hunt? They surround a school of fish and then do strafing runs picking off stragglers. This is some fairly standard hunting behavior and it doesn't necessarily make them dicks. What does make them the dicks of the sea is that the mock their prey as they feed. What sounds like clicks and whistles to us translates to something much more insulting. I spent several weeks trailing a pod of dolphins, learning their language and ultimately being accepted as a member of the pod.
At first I tried to apply Morse code to the clicks. This got me nowhere. Then I tried a mathematical progression of clicks based on a very complicated formula. This too got me nowhere, but it might have been because I'm a math retard. Finally I decided to step back from the situation. So I boarded my research vessel, the S.S. Chunderson, and locked myself in an isolation tank for what could have been days. I don't know, theres no clock inside it. With the help of some transcendental meditation and about 6 tabs of LSD, I finally had a breakthrough.
So back into the water I went, fluent in dolphin. I thought I'd break the ice with a joke about airline food. They didn't get it. I guess they didn't have a frame of reference. So I thought of a new joke to break the ice. It went something like this: What do you get when cross a mackerel and a sunfish? Click click eeeeeee! It got a huge laugh.
I joined the pod on many hunts, eating more fish in those short weeks than I have in my entire life. I had seen wildlife documentaries about how dolphins hunt but for the first time I could understand what they were saying. As they picked off fish from the school, they would click back at them some very offensive, borderline racist insults. And even though I assumed they had no concept of religion, a lot of their remarks were anti-Semitic in nature. It was then that I began to feel uncomfortable and I did my best to hide my Judaism, despite the fact that my circumcised member was on display for them all to see.
Their dickish nature didn't stop at offensive racist remarks. They would pull pranks on eachother which usually consisted of them convincing a mark that their offspring had been swallowed by a Megalodon. Dolphins are apparently unaware that Megalodons have thankfully been extinct for many million years (See: Mega-Shark vs Crocosaurus to illustrate the potential horror). They would also rocket up to larger fish, even whales, and poke them with their bottlenoses. The poor whales were too large to do anything but squeal "Stop it!". It was like picking on the fat kid. More than once did I see a dolphin scribble on a piece of kelp the words "Wide Load" or "Kick Me". I didn't understand the kick me one because dolphins don't have legs, but I'm sure they got the irony of it.
It was funny for a while until they turned on me. I suggested casually that we stop for a tuna melt. Little did I know the growing tension between dolphins and tuna. They had formed an uneasy treaty years earlier but tensions were running high in recent months. The mere mention of the word tuna was enough to send the pod leader into a rage, a rage which he turned on me. He butted me unmercifully with his nose. It was only after I kicked him in it that I managed to get away.
I write to you today to warn all of you out there of the impending war between dolphins and tuna. The seas will run red with the blood of these factions and we, as humans, will be forced to pick a side. Instinct says to side with our mammalian cousins, but after seeing what utter dicks they are, we're better off siding with tuna. Dolphins may be intelligent but that just means they are more able to think of horrible ways of inflicting pain and humiliation. DON'T TRUST THE DOLPHINS! LONG LIVE TUNA!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Extra! Extra! Thumbs Ahoy!
News broke recently that frequent use of cell phones could potentially lead to cancer, confirming what comedians already knew. Holding a carcinogenic device to your ear is something we all do. I know I regularly smoke Pall Mall's through my ear. But the recent proof of this danger raises another question. Does frequent texting lead to thumb cancer? And perhaps more importantly, is there such a thing as thumb cancer?
To me, losing my thumbs to cancer would be worse than losing my ear. For one thing, you only hold the phone to one ear at a time so you're more likely to lose only one. That means you still have another ear. But texting often requires two thumbs. The thought or losing both of my thumbs is devastating. No more video games. No more gesturing to gladiators if they should kill or spare their opponent. No more masturbation. Well, I'd still masturbate, but it would be more challenging. Of course, like most, I feel a greater sense of satisfaction from completing a challenging task. Would masturbating without thumbs lead to a more satisfying finish? Theres only one way to find out.
While I'm on the topic of cellular phones, I have a question regarding Bluetooth devices. Is it true that it stains your teeth? Cause I already have a problem with coffee stains, I don't need them turning blue on me. Then again, it would make faking my death a bit easier.
Yes I've contemplated faking my own death. Not for any real reason, just so that I could get a head start haunting people. I'm still vulnerable to exorcisms, being Jewish and all. The power of Christ compels you…to shop Wal Mart and save!
The Measure of a Man
What makes a man a man? Is a man measured by his accomplishments? Is he measured by the loves in his life? No. It's the penis that makes a man a man.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
No rest for the wicked tired
Memorial Day. The day we remember. Except when we forget. I've finally realized that I'm an adult and I'll tell you how I came to that conclusion. This past weekend was spent driving to another state to spend time with another persons family. Next weekend will be the same, except the state is further and the family is my own. The weekend after I will play host to a person I barely know (not a stranger mind you, just someone I'm not too familiar with). Following that, its back to the first state to visit the other family again.
I have not had a decent nights sleep in at least a week and that's not likely to change. I have not had nor will get any breaks or time to myself. Oh yeah and I am also playing nurse to a sick sexy lady. That part's not so bad except I look weird in the nurses outfit. I just don't have the thighs for it.
So enough complaining, there has to be some good stuff right? Right? Anyone? Dang.
By the way, my house is ridiculously hot and I don't know why. I'm currently auditioning hot island girls to stand near me and fan me with giant palm fronds. It doesn't pay much, nor are there any benefits to speak of. The only real benefits are that you get to see me lounging in my underwear with a half-melted Klondike bar dripping onto my bare chest. If that doesn't turn you on, check your pulse cause you might be dead.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Back in the saddle again…and the rash starts anew
That's right, I know you missed me. All of my reader out there must have been distraught when I stopped posting. But Dave, why would you stop posting to your incredibly successful and popular blog? Two reasons. First, it was never that successful or popular. Second, I got a job. That's right, I joined the ranks of the gainfully employed. For the sake of the company's privacy, they shall remain unnamed, but I will give a hint. It's not a male strip club called The Third Leg.
I even moved away from my beloved New York. I'm now living in a lovely little house on a lake in Assachusetts. Days are spent frolicking with squirrels and chasing geese on the water. Actually that's not true, my days are spent at a desk wearing a tie. You heard it right, a tie. Dave has officially sold out. I wear ties and suits and proper fancy shoes. I even wear socks and underwear almost every day.
So what does all this mean for you, my darling reader? Nothing at all.
As of yet, I have not been kidnapped and taken back to my adoring fans in central China, but its been a slow week. I do miss China though. I miss being famous only because I'm a big bearded white guy. That's not special here in New England. And speaking of New England, I had no idea there was even an Olde England, let alone a new one. Theres an accent here, but its not charming or sophisticated. People don't drink tea, they ride the T.
Also, is it a coincidence that Mass Pike rhymes with Ass Spike? I don't think so. I think theres correlation there. Think about it.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Flying Blind Baby Alert!
But theres one thing that bothers me the most about VDay. Cupid. Its meant to be a adorable creature who spreads love with magic arrows. Lets take a look at the horrifying reality of Cupid. Its a blind baby with a weapon flying through the air. We would never give a real toddler (blind or not) a bow and arrows, but give it wings and it gets license to fly around shooting people. Is it Cupids supposed youth that makes him untouchable? We forgive children for everything "cause they dont know any better yet". I dont think Cupid counts as a baby anymore. Hes been flying around blindly firing arrows for decades. The bastard is older than me, yet when I wear a diaper and wings and shoot people with arrows, I get arrested and hit with a restraining order.
Does this tiny bastard have a pilots license? Is that weapon registered? Was there a mandatory five day waiting period before he got it? How the hell does a blind baby fill out the necessary forms? Was he born with the wings or were they later grafted on? How does he aim? Does he have echolocation like a bat? I need answers.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
All the nights and all the days, minus Friday nights cause its Shabbat
Friday, February 11, 2011
A Perfect Storm of Insomnia
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Poison!
But American food establishments follow basic cleanliness and food safety guidelines. Using real beef, quality oil, and vegetables that havent been grown in s#!t. All these combine to hit my stomach like a delicious bunker buster bomb. Without going into too much detail, all of those quality ingredients exited the way they came in.
Im forced to wonder how many people in my own house heard me gorg-horging my innards out and decided to roll over and go back to sleep. I know it wasnt a quiet process. Did they assume it was the radiator turning on? Or perhaps the sounds got incorporated into their dreams. The most likely answer is that they all smiled at my pain and used the sounds of my regurgitation to lull them back to sleep.
It was a great burger going down though.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Scientists report new lifeform found in Conan OBriens beard
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Why oh why did that bird fall from the sky?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Back, Front, but Only One Side
Im looking at proofreading jobs. I think they would be a good application for my teaching experience. I had a very encouraging dream the other night. I dreamt I was on a bus and there happened to be three or four castmembers from Saturday Night Live. I then started asking them for advice on how to get started. The encouraging thing when somebody (not sure who) said "A person who is funny enough is bound to get noticed"
But enough of this semi-serious stuff. I'd like to finish on a high note
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The real reason it can kiss my ass is because its interfering with my weekends plans. I am driving up to Rhode Island tomorrow to see my best gal. I havent seen her since early September. I dont care how much snow there is, I will be on the road tomorrow morning. Why didnt I leave earlier? Lets see, maybe because I was in China.
Id like to take a moment to vent if I may. Ive been off the plane for four days. In those four days Ive spent most of my time job hunting. I need everybody in my vicinity to back the funk off. If one more person tries to push me, Im going to go on an all star freak out. Ive been gritting my teeth more than usual because of all the ass pains in my life right now.
Also, give me a job.
In Soviet Russia Jobs Hunt You!
What most concerns me is bears. I have a fear that at any moment a bear might appear behind me and maul me. To put it in the terms of this metaphor, I guess Im frightened by the prospect of a large intimidating employer sneaking up and hiring me from behind. Is there an HR grizzly bear silently stalking me? Would I know it if there was?
Wading through these comically mixed metaphors, I do come to one serious note. I need a job. And fast. Cause things cost money and theft is frowned upon.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Spell Checker
Another One Under The Bus
Now that I have returned the job hunt begins. I had a job in China. A pretty good one. I was a college professor. Thats right I got paid to profess things on a daily basis. I hate teaching though. It took me becoming a teacher to learn that.
Perhaps thats not entirely accurate. I dont hate teaching, I just hate students. The vast majority of my students didnt want to be there, and I didnt want them there. It took me a year or so to develop a style of teaching that they responded to. It basically involved me sitting on a desk, making jokes, and asking about their days. To be serious for a second, the less formal structure I used in class, the better my students responded. My plan was to trick them into learning. It worked.
So now I live back in the states, temporarily with my parents. If I dont move out of here in the next month, everyone in this house will die except me and the dogs.
Welcome to my new blog, hope you enjoy it and occasionally laugh.