Study Guides That Need Proofreading

Apparently it's Thursday which means it's about time for me to rant about something. I've been studying for the MTEL. For those who don't know, which I suspect is most of you, the MTEL is a licensing exam in Massachusetts to be a teacher. Why teach? Because my application for astronaut was rejected. Something about no more trips to space.
Anyway, a while back I picked up a book to help prepare for the exam. As I'm reading through it however, I'm noticing more and more grammar and syntax mistakes. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't a study guide for the Foundations of Reading test.
I'm not saying that it is a useless tool. On the contrary, I'm sure it will do me a world of good. But I can't help question the efficacy of this book when I'm correcting mistakes on every other page. Did anyone proofread this thing? It's like finding that a math textbook has non-sequential numbered pages. Or an  engineering textbook that doesn't open the right way. Or a cookbook that recommends that you just eat out.
Am I being too critical? I don't think so. Does a sentence that ends in an exclamation point also require a period? Definitely not. Is asking questions and then answering them immediately a hackneyed writing technique? Debatable.

"Art"

Art is in the eye of the beholder. And if you were art, I beholding you! Hah! Now that that's out of the way I want to tell you about a story I've been tracking for a while. Over the last couple months, "artist" Michael Heizer made the news for his latest work-in-progress Levitated Mass. For the uninitiated, the installation is a 340-ton boulder. That's it.

Danger: Falling Rocks

See, it's just a huge rock perched on a couple of concrete walls. He didn't even carve it or paint it or adorn it with beads or anything. Mr. Heizer could have at least spray painted "Class of '12" or "Don Henley Rocks" onto it.
 It originally made headlines while it was being transported from Riverside County, California to the L.A. Museum of Art. It was an impressive feat of engineering to get this absurdly heavy rock down the highway and into place. However, that's where the impressive part ends.
I know that art is largely subjective but come on people. Putting a huge rock on a pedestal is stretching the definition of art to its breaking point. Don't get me wrong, overall it's an impressive feat of engineering. But calling it art is like shaving a llama and calling it a goat.
It took close to 3 months to get this 340 piece of "art" 105 miles and put it in place. The Druids could have done that in half the time, and they wouldn't be so pretentious as to call it art.

Youtube Monday: You're The Star of the Masquerade

Well wouldja look at that, it's Youtube Monday already. I thought today I'd share one of the best covers of any song ever. Several years ago, Killswitch Engage filmed a cover of Dio's Holy Diver. What ensued was not only an excellent version of an excellent song, but also one of the funniest music videos ever, made funnier by the fact that it's a metal band.

Even if you don't like metal, you can still appreciate the video for its absurdity. Notice how the king/drummer is always eating a giant turkey leg. Admire the beautiful princess/guitarist. I really love this video, it simultaneously cracks me up and rocks me out, a rare feat.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. I'm going to go back to playing SimCity Classic.

Don't Go Into The Water

Sharks are scary. Jaws was a scary movie. But living in Massachusetts as I do, sharks aren't normally a problem. Except for land sharks. Anyway it would seem that my days of water safety are over. So far this summer, two great white sharks have been spotted in the general Cape Cod area. Why is the water always so scary?

Anyway, last year some scientists tagged about 7 great whites that were in the open ocean about a half mile out from Chatham. 2 of them have returned. The prevailing theory is that they're here for the seafood, not knowing that steamers are out of season.
Apparently there's a colony of seals nearby that proves just too tempting. And here's the hypocrisy: when a shark attacks a seal, it's considered nature and is filmed for the BBC. When I attack a seal, it's considered cruelty to animals and gets filmed for my upcoming trial that I'm not technically allowed to talk about. All I can say in my defense is that the seal on the video was barking racist names at me.
I went to the beach in Rhode Island last weekend, following the amazing Crosby, Stills and Nash concert. There were no shark sightings but I think I have a great excuse to stay away, besides my tendency to burn in the sun. Instead I will stay on the beach and get my wife to bury me waistdeep in sand, carve two wheels on the side of me, and pretend that I'm FDR. Again.
As long as I'm scaring people with sea creatures, I might as well share this picture of an alligator gar (whatever the hell that is) that some badass in Texas shot with an arrow before wrestling it onto the shore.

This will haunt my dreams for nights to come

I don't know what the hell an alligator gar is but it should be sent back to the hellish pit it came from.
Stay out of the water people. Don't make me keep telling you.

I've Heard of An Urban Jungle But This Is Ridiculous

Raise your hand if you live in a city. Ok, now raise your hand if you're afraid of lions. I'm sure everybody raised their hands for that one. My fear of lions is based off of a heavy dose of respect after viewing numerous nature videos. The only way I could fear/respect more is if they started living in our cities. What's that? They are. Oh crap.

Artists rendering of Urban Lion (Felinus Urbanus)

As the Kenyan capitol of Nairobi is growing, it has been encroaching on lion habitats. This has resulted in urban lions which are exactly what they sound like. So far, more than 2 lionesses have been captured or killed in Nairobis suburbs. Oh yeah and one of them had cubs. As of yet there have been no attacks on humans, but there have been several attacks on dogs. No word on hobo attacks.
To recap, lions have moved into the suburbs of Nairobi and are settling down. To make things worse, these lions aren't even getting jobs. It would be one thing if they moved in and got jobs at 7-11 or as actuaries. But not only are these scary felines illegally living in Nairobi, they are leeching off of hard-working Kenyans.
The lion welfare state has to stop. We have been coddling these animals for too long. What's next, lion food stamps? We already have homeless lion shelters. We call them zoos and those bastards live better than most homeless people.
So to my readers in Nairobi (::sound of crickets::), don't go out at night, don't answer your doors unless you can see a human on the other side. And don't accept any candy-grams, they are a well known trick of the animal kingdom.

There And Back Again: My Adventures At URI

It's a late post today but it's for a good reason. I went on a recent adventure which I will now relate to you. It is a harrowing tale of goblins, fire trucks, and woe. It all began on a pleasant night in Rhode Island...
My brother-in-law has been telling me about this place called the Ocean Mist in Wakefield, Rhode Island. Every Tuesday night they have a reggae night. Five dollar cover charge gets you two drinks and all the reggae you can take. However, last night I was much like Christina Hendricks' boobs, I was the DD so all I had was a single beer. But the music was good and the back porch is right on the beach so you get a nice breeze along with a great view.
Before we got to the Ocean Mist however, we needed food. I will fully confess to loving the food in a college town and my brother-in-law is of course a student at University of Rhode Island. So we started off at Kingston Pizza where we split a "couch potato" pizza. It was glorious. I had nacho cheese, bacon, mashed potatoes, and more cheese. This was followed by a short food coma but I awoke ready for the music.
The Ocean Mist closed at one o'clock leaving us looking for more food. But that's the best part of food in a college town; places are open super late. We ended the night at International Zone, right off the URI campus. Me and my brother-in-law split a Texas BBQ Calzone. Picture a perfect conflagration of chicken, bacon, cheese, and of course bbq sauce. Glory ensued.
All told, I will remember this sojourn not for the reggae music it was originally intended for, but for the food that came along with it. Food in a college town is always available and there's about a million different kinds. On a former visit he took me to an amazing Indian place that is now defunct. Long live the food surrounding the University of Rhode Island.

Good Old Chinese Pollution

Has the apocalypse begun? I don't ask because somebody decided to make a movie about one of our greatest presidents hunting vampires. I ask because of the mushroom cloud over Beijing. Of course the apocalypse would start in China.

Mushroom and fried pork with scallions cloud

No, that's not a still from the beginning of Independence Day, that is a real cloud over Beijing. Not only is it shaped like a mushroom but it is the color of a nuclear explosion as well. The last time I was in Beijing, the air pollution was not nearly as bad as it used to be, but with no international games coming to Beijing for a long time, perhaps they've let the pollution controls lapse a bit.
So far the Chinese government doesn't have much to say about it, besides assuring people that its not from a chemical explosion. A couple weeks ago in Wuhan, my old adopted hometown, a yellow haze descended on the city. Word on the street is that there was a explosion at a chlorine plant, but of course that is being denied.
China has long been known for its pollution. It's quickly replacing kung fu and dumplings as the most recognizable Chinese things. This is taking it to a whole new level though. I give it two more years before the entire country is covered in an unbreathable haze. As it stands right now, it's a common sight to see people walking down the street with masks on. If this continues, in a thousand years the Chinese will either be all dead from pollution or have evolved to be immune to it, making them into a race of superbeings.
God help us all.

Youtube Monday: Don't Let The Name Fool You

So it's Monday again which means it's time for Youtube Monday. I missed Fridays post because I was on my way to Providence to see Crosby, Stills and Nash. For those that care, they still kick ass after 45 years. Anyway, I thought today, in honor of Fathers Day, I'd share my fathers favorite Youtube video. Don't be fooled by its appearance, it is not a nature video.
Video contains some NSFW language.

As you can see, the Honey Badger truly doesn't give a shit. This is one of the most ferocious, aggressive animals in nature. No other animal hunts them, partially out of respect but mostly out of fear. It's a little known fact that the U.S. government uses Honey Badgers to guard their most sensitive and secure sites. They were unable to train them so they just created a no-mans-land and tossed these bad boys in there.
It's long been theorized that the Bermuda Triangle is actually the site of the Honey Badger nation. Anyone who crosses their borders never leaves alive.
You may have noticed that I'm capitalizing Honey Badger. That is because I am honestly afraid that if I don't, one will knock on my door, looking for retribution.

I Love Republicans

God I love Republicans. Not for their politics or their beliefs, but for the fact that they can't seem to go a week without saying or doing something horrible and ridiculous. Today we go out to Utah for this. Utah, the state known for Mormons and desert. Anyway GOP Presidential candidate Fred Karger has had some interesting correspondence lately.

We're here! We're Queer! We want to tax incentives for the top 1%!

Fred Karger is a rare creature. He's Republican, but he's also openly gay, two lifestyles that seem to clash with each other. Even in gay Republican circles he's a long shot though. Well he received an email from Nanette Billings, wife of Washington County Republican Party Chairman Willie Billings. Glossing past their ridiculous names, Mrs. Billings wrote to him to tell him he was a radical idiot and thank god he couldn't procreate.
When asked about this by Yahoo.coms Chris Moody, she responded by saying "my feeling is that the only reason he's running for president is to find more [sexual] partners". So according to Nanette, who is clearly a master of politics and not somebody with a stupid name, Fred Karger is running for president to get laid. I've gone to some pretty extreme lengths to get some action in my life, but I never considered running for president.
Here's a guy who has been involve in politics for more than 30 years, working on various successful presidential campaigns. I thought it was because he cared about this country and wanted to make it better. Now I find out he did it all to get himself some booty. Never have I been so disillusioned in American politics.
Suddenly, so many presidential terms make sense to me. What did Bill Clinton do in office, besides erase the national debt, cut unemployment, win a couple wars and make the saxaphone cool again? He got laid. And JFK, did he put a man on the moon? Nope, he just got laid.
So to recap, any gay Republican is only in politics to find men and Republicans are idiots. Any questions?

The Avengers Are Real

What's today, Wednesday? When did we enter the Marvel Universe? The real life Black Widow a.k.a. Natasha Romanoff is back in the news. You may recall the name Anna Chapman as the unexpectedly hot Russian sleeper agent that was living in the U.S. as a spy. Her spying activities are kind of hazy but who am I to argue?
Well she's back, this time taking to the catwalk. So just to go over her resume, she has a Masters in Economics from Moscow University, was "CEO" of a "realty company" in NY, she was a spy of course, and now she's a model.

The real Black Widow

The Black Widow is best known from Iron Man 2 and The Avengers, being played by the uncompromisingly hot Scarlett Johansson, who was also a redhead. Her fictional resume also included being a model and a Russian spy. The similarities don't end there either. They are both multilingual, they both had multiple aliases, and they both feature prominently in my fantasies.

The fictional Black Widow

All we're missing here is a genius billionaire with a kickass suit of armor and for Samuel L. Jackson to lose an eye. Thor already exists and currently plays center for the New York Jets. Toby Keith is obviously Captain America. As for the Hulk, paint me green and start praising the Dallas Cowboys and you'll see how strong my rage makes me.
Oh yeah, I'm skipping Hawkeye cause he uses a bow and arrow. Come on man, it's the 21st Century, buy a gun already.

Father Of The Year Nominee

Fathers Day is coming up and just in time too. I don't know if it's celebrated in England but if the Prime Ministers recent actions are any indication, I don't think fatherhood is a big priority. It is being reported that Prime Minister David Cameron accidentally left his 8-year-old daughter in a pub. The incident allegedly took place a few months ago but has only just come to light.
The story goes that the family had stopped in a pub for lunch. Little Nancy Cameron went to the bathroom and when she came out, her family was gone. No word on if she washed her hands. The Prime Minister had climbed into one car with his bodyguards while his wife climbed into another car with their other two children who presumably didn't have to use the bathroom. Each parent assumed Nancy was with the other. Nobody noticed Nancy's absence until they got home.
All told, she was left alone in the pub for about 15 minutes, which was long enough to have a couple of pints of Guinness, play a game of darts, and headbutt a guy over the results of a soccer match. Her mother returned to pick her up just in time to pull her off a Liverpool fan before she bit his ear off.

Pic is unrelated...or is it?

All of this supposedly happened on a Sunday afternoon, a convenient story considering the previous Saturday was "Take your daughter out to the pub day". My theory is that Little Nancy drank her PM dad under the table. He then left her there on purpose to teach her a lesson about shaming her father. Little did he know that she would be leading the bar in songs by Queen and making toasted sandwiches for the bar staff. Word is she was found curled up on a table under a Manchester United blanket.
So here's to you Prime Minister David Cameron, Nominee for Father of the Year.

Youtube Monday: Demon in the Circuits

It's been a rough week but we're back with Youtube Monday. After scouring Youtube for almost 8 full minutes I remembered a really cool video from a few years ago. My comments after the video.

We all knew that mobile phones were inherently evil. This is something we see everyday when some jackass cuts us off cause he's on his phone. Or how everybody pulled out their camera-phones instead of helping me stop the bleeding when I got shot in the neck. It would seem it's because there is a demon inside every phone that is just waiting to come out.
There's no word if a phone has to be microwaved to make the demon emerge or if the ambient heat from being in your pocket is enough. I think I figured out why it feels like my phone is vibrating when there's no call incoming. It's just my phone demon messing me or letting me know he cares. There's no rule that says demons can't be caring individuals.

Worst Birthday Ever

It's a mixed day for me. On the one hand, I'm devastated about Gracies death. She was a sweet beautiful little butterfly. I always described her as being like mashed potatoes, but the fancy mashed potatoes with the skin still on and roasted garlic mixed in. I will miss Gracie forever.
But on the other hand, it's my birthday. I should be super happy, but I'm barely holding baseline here. For as much as I love Flexxo, I love Gracie as much. I realize the proper grammar is to say "loved" but I still love Gracie.

Also the Giants re-signed Tom Coughlin.

In Memoriam: Gracie, Portrait of a Cocker Spaniel

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Dave Samson show will not be with you today. My family's beloved dog, Flexxos little sister, has died. Gracie was a sweet, loving, clueless little dog. She knew two things in her life; she knew to poop in the kitchen and that she was loved, even when she pooped in the kitchen.
I will always remember the day I brought her home. It was up to me to pick her up and she decided to sit on my lap in the car which wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't driving. She sat on my lap looking out the window while I told her about her new home and her big brother.
Gracie will always be loved. I will be spending the day crying into Flexxos fur. If you have a dog, please put the computer down and go hug it.

Youtube Monday: Frapp Attack!

Well well well, if it isn't Youtube Monday. I told you not to show your face around here anymore. You have a lot of cojones coming in here like this. You'd better have something good, and not something that is getting on my good lady wifes nerves.

Damn you Youtube Monday, you got me again. You frapped me. For some reason I can't stop watching this video. I was eating ice cream the other day and I got some on my mustache. My good lady wife commented that I have frapp on my stash and immediately regretted it.
I've tried to figure out why I've been obsessed with this video lately but so far every theory has collapsed under scrutiny. Perhaps it is controlling me subliminally to spread it to others to also infect. God forgive me.

House For Sale: 12 bed, 0 bath

It has long been theorized that the British do not have anuses but proof has finally been made public with the sale of Apethorpe Hall in Northamptonshire, England. The sprawling estate recently hit the market for about $3.8 million and a bit of a catch. The manor has 48 rooms not including bathrooms. If you include the bathrooms, it has 48 rooms. That's right the gigantic mansion has no bathrooms.

It's easier finding a bathroom in a giant shopping mall

It was built between 1470 and 1480, a time in England when toilets had been banned by the royal court I assume. I've made some dumbass mistakes in my life, but building a house without a toilet is not among them. Yes, I forgot to put pants on this morning when I walked the dog and yes I once drove halfway to Vegas with the emergency brake on, but I have never forgotten the need for a toilet.
The estate has had several owners over the years, including the Catholic Church and a Libyan millionaire, none of which ever had to go boom boom apparently. It doesn't even have an outhouse, just in case. However, it does have a tremendously fertile lawn for some reason.
There are a couple more catches however, as if the lack of porcelain thrones wasn't enough. It costs about $150,000 a month for maintenance and is mandated to be open to the public 28 days a year. At least they don't have to worry about anyone clogging the pipes or going through their medicine cabinets.
I wonder how much it would cost to add a few bathrooms to the place. Let's say we want to add in a half dozen bathrooms, running new pipe service in and using fixtures that would match the rest of the manor. Then again if you can afford nearly four million for the place and the $150 grand a month for it, I'm sure you can afford adding in a few bathrooms.