Earlier today, scientists at the Mid-Pacific Institute for Oceanography and Alienology announced an entirely new form of life has been found in the most unlikely of places – Conan O’Briens beard. Dr. Otto Milkfordshire, Chairman of the Institute presented the very first living specimens of Coco Sapiens Rex at a press conference Monday.
“We are thrilled to share this discovery with the world. Who would have thought to find a wholly unique life form in a talk show hosts facial hair, let alone one on basic cable. This discovery really forces us to take a look at the fundamental forces that drive evolution” Dr Milkfordshire said.
A plasma-based creature, Coco Sapiens Rex, or Conamites as the team calls them, live in Conan O’Briens beard hair and subsides primarily on crumbs it finds there. Though it is invisible to the naked eye, it releases a powerful pheromone that causes the host to mime like a Depression era marionette. Furthermore this pheromone causes female celebrities to find the host charming and hilarious.
Perhaps most interesting is that Conamites are only found in Mr. O’Briens beard hair. Researchers were stunned to find none living in his older and more famous pompadour. Though they are found in the sideburns, it is rare for Conamites to live above the ear line. Further searches of his body hair were fruitless when it was realized he has none.
This is not the first new species discovered in a talk show hosts beard. David Lettermans beard was home to a new subspecies of rice and Jon Stewart was forced to shave his beard when a new species of parasitic mollusk had evolved on Mr. Stewarts chinstrap. But the Conamite represents a new genus entirely, having too many fundamental biological differences.
“This is the most singular thing I’ve ever experienced “ Karl Fudabaker, writer, futurist and leader of the team responsible for the discovery said. “To think that millions of dollars are wasted on the search for extra-terrestrial life when theres clearly so much more biodiversity here than we ever though. There are nothing like Conamites anywhere on Earth.”
This announcement is sure to reopen the debate on the study of late night talk shows. Many feel this will strengthen the historically tentative position of the science of chatology.
“Conamites give validation to my lifes work” said Professor Mitchell Fistington of Diploma University’s Department of Chatology. For researchers like Professor Fistington, Coco Sapiens Rex represents the future of their profession.
Dr. Milkfordshire believes the discovery of Conamites will lead to a boom in the study of the bearded ecosystem. “The existence of Conamites leads us to more questions than ever. Are they capable of living in other beards? What effect does the redness of Conan’s beard have on them? Do they host their own late night talk shows? It will take years of painstaking research before we know the answers to these questions”.
At the same press conference, Dr Milkfordshire also announced the plan to turn Conan O’Briens beard into a wildlife sanctuary devoted to protection and study of Coco Sapiens Rex. Conan O’Brien was not immediately available for comment.
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