You're Putin Me On

Plans change all the time. I had originally intended on bringing you the story of the Jewish school basketball team who gave up a shot at the championship because the game was on Shabbat. First, its pretty amazing to find a basketball team made up of Jews. We're not tall or athletic. Its true. The most athletic thing we've ever done is build the pyramids. Its impressive but keep in mind that we were slaves in Egypt - avadim hayinu.
Instead I came across a brilliant story brought to us by the great journalistic minds at CNN.com. The headline is promising enough "How Putin Cultivated Strongman Image" until you click it and realize its a photo gallery of Putin in his most casually badass moments, most of which are bare-chested. I have painstakingly assembled my top three to share with you, along with my customary snarky comments.

3.

Here we see Putin examining a tiger, possibly looking for its weak point. The official caption claims that the tiger is tranquilized, but I believe it simply surrendered when it saw Putin. Another fun fact about things surrendering to Putin, he's not actually balding. His hair is simply retreating out of fear.

2.

Here we see Putin firing a crossbow at what I assume is either a 17th century pirate ghost ship or a kraken. Most people in this situation would use the biggest gun they could find, maybe a cannon or something. I think we can all agree that the horrible hell-beast he's aiming at is lucky he decided to use a weapon at all.

1.

Wow. If this were anybody else, I would spend the next paragraph commenting on the homo-eroticism of this photo while inevitably comparing it to Brokeback Mountain. But I honestly am afraid that he will find me and do something horrible to me with his Judo skills. Instead I will comment on how this looks like he's posing for the cover of a romance novel. Here is a sample passage from that novel, ostensibly called Putin on the Ritz

The man called Putin removed his shirt, revealing his taught rippling old 

man chest. The afternoon sun beat down on him as he took a break from

chopping wood to wipe the sweat from his prominent brow. He looked at 

her with wanton eyes that seemed to say "I want you like capitalist pigs 

want more money". She dropped the bucket of fresh milk and went to him, 

embracing him like the West embraced decadence.

I'm not a religious man but I think I need to go to Synagogue to pray that Putin never reads this. Who am I kidding though, Putin doesn't read this blog. Nobody does. And thats the only thing keeping me alive right now. I appreciate it when you share this blog with others, but please make sure Putin doesn't read it. I value life.