This Is Getting Old Thursday

I’d like to take a moment out from my normally snark and snazzle (yes I made that term up) to thank all of you who have read this digital version of chicken scratches. I truly hope you have enjoyed what you have read, I really enjoy writing it. I’m trying really hard to turn this into something I can make money off of. To that end, I ask you to help me get the word out. If you’ve liked what you read, please tell your friends.

And they'll tell two friends and so on on and so on and so on

I’m also very interested to hear your thoughts on whatever I write. Your feedback can help me make this blog suck less. I spend literally minutes every day trolling the internet for current events that I can comment on, but if you have any suggestions of requests, please feel free to drop a comment or an email. Please, I’m so lonely. Now without further ado, I present Part 3 of the 4 part series entitled “For God’s Sake No!”

Today I take you to the year 2015. Newt Gingrich has not only won the Republican nomination but, in an amazing twist of events, he has won the presidency as well. Even after 3 years in office, nobody can explain why he’s named after a weird amphibian.

Kind of cute actually. A cute newt

Fewer Americans than ever have medical insurance since the industry has been completely privatized and de-regulated. Taking the place of ObamaCare is the Newt-Vorce. Insurance to cover the costs of divorce lawyers is now extended to all and proof of retainer of a divorce lawyer is now required to apply for a marriage license. Despite the astronomical divorce rate, more children are being born thanks to the complete abortion ban and closing of all sex education classes. One must attain a license to have sex, and such a license can only be obtained to married couples and high ranking politicians. Las Vegas is now both the wedding and divorce capital of the United States.

The highways continue to crumble as funding is further cut due to a lack of tax revenue. Following the Gingrich Tax Act of 2013, only those making minimum wage or less are required to pay tax. At the higher end of the tax bracket, the US Treasury actually pays out. Borders have been closed and import tariffs drastically raised in an effort to increase American re-investment. This has resulted in a lot of complaining. The literacy rate continues to shrink following the reducing of the US Department of Education to a guy named Ron with a fax machine. SAT scores plummet.

A 2014 campaign to expand the scope of the 2^nd amendment failed horribly, resulting in the deaths of dozens following a shoot-out at a nursery.  Newt falls back to his old scapegoat and blames the resultant deaths on Bill Clinton. In response, Clinton releases an album playing the hits of Motown. He is nominated for Album of the Year.