Russians Love Free Money

Russians. Did you know they also have crazy rich people? Even millionaires, though most are members of the Russian mob. Anyway, Russian millionaire Pavel Durov has made headlines this week for his paper airplanes. He has a secret technique that involves some truly advance folding. He starts with a 5,000 ruble note, folds it into a little plane, and then throws it out the window.
Yes, Pavel, bored of hiding his money in nesting dolls, decided to literally throw his money away. Instead of investing it in GM stock like most people, he wasted it by throwing it out the window. Of course this caused people down below to pile on top of each other grabbing for free money. After a few minutes of this, he had to stop because "people turned into animals", as Pavel himself described.

Shouting free money from a window is a great way to get yourself noticed

So who the hell is this Pavel Durov? He is called the Russian Mark Zuckerberg, which I assume means that he wears Russian hoodies and makes poor stock offerings. After a bit of research, it turns out he's called that because he is the CEO of Vkontakte, the Russian version of Facebook. The big difference between Facebook and Vkontakte is that on Facebook you can tag photos of your friends where as with Vkontakte photos of your friends tag you! Thank you Yakov Smirnoff.
For those who are wondering, 5,000 rubles is roughly 160 of real American dollars. All told, he tossed about $2,000 out the window. No word on how far the planes flew, but I'm hoping it was far enough to justify the expense.
Seriously though, is it Russians or rich people who are the crazy ones? Or is it both? Does being both super-rich and Russian doom you to a lifetime of insanity and eccentric origami? How come when I make an airplane out of a fiver my wife yells at me to stop playing around and pay the rent? How bad is the Russian economy that they need bills worth 5,000 rubles?

It Has Begun: Zombies in Miami

Have you noticed how I'm usually writing about zombies or horrors from the depths of our oceans? Well I haven't noticed either. Imagine when zombies start emerging out of the ocean. Well today I'm not writing about fish.
Making the news recently is a man in Miami getting naked and eating another mans face. Police were called by a passerby who noticed a naked guy on the ground chewing on the face of another dude. He was allegedly pulling pieces off with his teeth and swallowing them. Police had to shoot him after he ignored instructions to stop eating that dudes face.
Already the evidence of zombification is mounting but after he was shot, the man continued his lunch. He was eventually shot to death, presumably by removing the head or destroying the brain. Police are saying that the man was under a drug-induced psychosis, possibly from cocaine, possibly from LSD, definitely not weed though.

Drug-induced psychosis my ass! This man was clearly a zombie. Look at the evidence, he was eating a persons face and kept going after the cops shot him more than a half dozen times. I always thought I'd do ok in a zombie apocalypse except for the fact I live in a basement apartment. And speaking of zombie apocalypse, I recommend reading World War Z by Max Brooks.
So as if Scarface and Dexter weren't enough to keep you out of Miami, now you can add naked zombies to the list.

Taco Tuesday, Mmm Tacos

Ah, a nice long weekend away from the world. But now that it's Tuesday, it's time for Taco Tuesday! The hallowed history of Taco Tuesday goes back many years. It was a Tuesday in which me and my buddy Diaz would go to Taco Bell because they had 2 for 1 tacos.

Just be glad I didn't choose the picture of the guy with the
Taco Bell logo tattooed on his ass

But this Taco Tuesday is a sad one thanks to Michael Smith of Huber Heights, Ohio. Mr. Smith was very unhappy with his service and deliberately crashed his truck through the front window. He apparently did not get one of the tacos he ordered so he pulled through the drive-through again to complain where he was immediately presented with an apology and another taco. But this wasn't enough.
Enraged over this slight, Mr. Smith then exited the drive-through and entered the restaurant, all without leaving his truck. The police were able to track down Mr. Smith due to the trail of car fluids leading back to his house. I don't know which car fluid it was, blood or pee I guess. I don't really know a lot about cars.
Clearly this man was very angry, possible because of the missing taco, possibly because he looks like Joaquin Phoenix with acne. Either way, I don't think he'll be welcome at that or any Taco Bell, which is really his loss. Have you tried the Doritos Taco Loco? It's incredible! It combines Doritos, already established as the best chip there is, with tacos! They need to introduce a Cool Ranch Version.

This Will Haunt My Dreams

What is it with the ocean? Why is it trying to kill us so hard? Oh right, probably the ocean dumping. Anyway, in case you didn't need it, I found another reason to stay the hell out of the water, and yes it involves sharks. If a 20 foot great white shark gets caught in the Gulf of Mexico, what could be worse? This:

Some Australian daredevils were fishing off Bondi Beach when they caught a modest blue shark. Despite the fact that they were on a 32 foot boat, they decided to just tie a rope around its tail and tow it home. Because if they brought the little bastard on the boat, they wouldn't have bait for their bigger catch. While they're towing it and presumably high-fiving each other, a massive great white shark took the bait. What's with the white-on-blue crime?

The fourth one down is lunch for the third one down

The great white, which I shall refer to as The Armageddon of Hate, smelled a free meal and shot out of nowhere to take a bite. Because it's the The Armageddon of Hate, it bit the smaller shark in two and then started going after the boat. The bastard played tug-of-war for a while before realizing he had a dead blue shark floating away that he could so much more easily.
The question this raises for me is who exactly is fishing, and for what?

• The crazy-ass fishermen who knew that it takes a big bait to catch a big fish and decided to fight fire with fire by using a shark to land a shark. 
• The Armageddon of Hate, who was this close to watering a 32-footer!  The Armageddon of Hate is a well known humanfish (literal opposite of fisherman)
• God, Satan, or both, who are fishing because they can.

So if this isn't enough to confine your swimming to chlorinated water, then watch a couple episodes of River Monsters.

This Shouldn't Make Me Giggle So Much

Oh Texas, I knew the United States was holding on to you for a reason. In the University of Texas' graduate listing in their recent commencement pamphlets contained a simple yet hilarious typo. Apparently the just opened a new department, the Lyndon B. Johnson School of Pubic Affairs.

Giggidy

I know it's just a typo and a pretty common one at that, but it's still funny. I'm going to rattle off a few quick jokes about this:

• Shouldn't that be the Bill Clinton School of Pubic Affairs.
• The students call it the Lyndon BJ School of Pubic Affairs for some reason
• LBJ - sounds like its Spanish for oral sex. Get it? El BJ? 
• University of Texas. That's the joke, that's all.
• The LBJ School of Pubic Affairs - Where the line between teacher and student gets crossed all the time!
• If this were a Brazilian University, would it even have a school of Pubic Affairs?

That's all I've got for now. If I think of any more, I'll post them. Do you have any better ones?

Youtube Monday: Meet The In-Laws

It's Youtube Monday which is a Monday when you get Youtube. And what better opportunity to introduce my reader to my mother-in-law. My Good Lady Wife told me all about her before I got to meet her, but stories don't do her justice. At first I thought that Lois Griffin from Family Guy would be the perfect analog, what with her strong Rhode Island accent that she is unaware of.
Then came Bobs Burgers. Linda, the mother from Bobs Burgers might not have the exact accent but she does have the mannerisms and personality. Basically, her lifes goal is to be a wife and mother, which she excels at, but is not entirely in touch with how her kids talk and act. She also loves family holidays, especially Christmas. So after trolling Youtube, I decided to go with this classic.

I was lucky enough to be present for the selection of last years Christmas tree and it went more or less exactly like this. Just so you know, the guy in the video provides the voice of Linda on Bobs Burgers.
NOTE:: Mary, if you read this, I mean no offense. I love you and think very highly of you, especially for producing and raising such a wonderful daughter.

Everybody Poops, Even Young Geniuses

There's been a trend as of late of ridiculously young kids becoming members of Mensa. For the uninitiated, Mensa is a club for wicked smart people. It's basically a grown-up version of your high schools AV Club. In the past 2 months, I've read about 3 kids under the age of 5 who joined after receiving high scores on an IQ test.
3-year-old Emmelyn Roettger was invited on the Today Show with her parents, presumably to demonstrate to their friends and neighbors that their kid is better than the others. Instead they managed to demonstrate that no matter how smart, a 3-year-old is still only 3 years old. Go ahead, watch the video, I'll wait.
Ok are you back with me? Good. Emmelyn gets up in the middle of the interview and declares that she has to poop. When her parents ignore her, as all parents do to a 3-year-old, she tries to take the mic off herself. It's the most adorable instance of a kid yelling "I have to poop".
After I got over the cuteness of young Emmelyn, I was reminded of the fact that she's 3 years old and already under the pressure of being in Mensa and on the Today Show. Whatever happened to a kid being a kid? Is she going to get to play in the mud or will her parents scold her because she's too smart for that? Will her father build her a tire swing or an astrolabe?
Don't you think we, as a society, are putting too much pressure on kids so young? I understand the need to encourage a child and help their intellect grow, but it's not worth it at the expense of their childhood. So to all the parents out there, encourage your kids, but remember that they are still kids.

The Epitome of Minority

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have found the one person that embodies the spirit of being a minority. There is a rapper. His name is Yitz "Y-Love" Jordan. He is black, half Puerto Rican, half Ethiopian. In 2000 (12 years ago for those with dyscalculia) he converted to Hasidic Judaism, about as Jewish as you can get. And now, Y-Love has come out of the closet as a gay man.

So lets list the minorities he represents. He's black, which despite the amount of black people in the world, is still considered a minority. He's Jewish, of which there are roughly 13 million in the entire world. He's gay, a group that is a minority everywhere but Fire Island and San Francisco. By doing some quick, fictional math, I have determined that Y-Love represents about 0.000000000006% of the worlds population.
To put that in perspective, there are more members of undiscovered tribes in the Amazon than there are gay black Jews. Hell, there are probably more people in my apartment building than there are gay black Jews. This guy is the epitome of minority. How can you not love this guy?
The best part is that he's ready to find a husband. I hope he doesn't focus his search solely on the infinitesimally small black Jewish population of gay men. He can have either a black husband or a Jewish husband. Asking for both is probably too much. So Mazel Tov to you Y-Love, may you find your man.

Breastfeeding: Delicious or Awkward?

Boobs! Now that I have your attention, I'd like to talk about boobs. A recent cover of Time Magazine shows a woman breastfeeding her son and it's about time I chimed in on this. In general I try to keep my own opinions out of this blog, except when I mercilessly mocking something or someone. But this is too good to keep quiet on.
There has been a lot of debate over the past couple years about where breastfeeding is acceptable, with moms coming out in support of public breastfeeding. I personally disagree with this, and here's why. It's awkward for everybody. I'm not supposed to look, but there's a boob hanging out, how does my eye not get drawn to it? I understand that there's nothing sexual about it, but it seems analogous to me whipping out my right ball because I have a condition that requires me to air it out in public.
I'm all for breastfeeding. It's a natural thing that humans have been doing for thousands of years. I just think it's something that should be at least a little private. I'm willing to compromise by tossing a blanket over the aforementioned boob if it's a public place. But a full-on exposed boob with a baby on the end is not something I want to see unless I'm the baby, or the babies father. Now lets take a minute to examine the cover itself.

Let's start with the text. Are you mom enough? The way it's written combined with the picture implies that if you don't breastfeed your child their whole life, you're a bad mom. My mom breastfed me (I think) but she stopped at an appropriate age. She also wasn't 21 when she had me. This cover impugns the mothering of millions of women who are helping their children grow up instead of keeping them, literally, at their breast.
Now for the picture itself. Do you like the dead yet smug look on the mothers face? Do you like how her face seems to say "Yeah I'm still breastfeeding my kid, that's why I'm better than you. Do you like my still perky breasts that don't require a bra? Well even if they did, I wouldn't wear one cause it'll keep my little angel from his favorite meal".
Then there's the kid. He looks like he shaved before taking the photo. Seriously, how old is this kid? The cover says he's 3, which in my mind is too old to be breastfeeding. Once the kid can walk, it's time he walked his ass to the fridge if he wants milk. When I look at the kid in this picture I can't help but be reminded of this:

Or maybe this:

What is going to happen to this kid? Is she trying to train a future Norman Bates? I think the extreme feelings of attachment are coming from the mom more than the kid. If anything, it's going to stunt the kids mental and emotional growth. He will forever be insanely attached to his mom, going so far as to keep her skeleton in a rocking chair in the basement.
So to any mothers out there, stop breastfeeding your kid in public and especially stop once they are out of diapers and can walk.

Youtube Monday: Flash Mob Failure

Oh Youtube Monday, will you ever get stale? The answer is yes, but I soldier on!
A couple weeks ago I brought you what might be the best flash mob ever. Well I figured I'd counterpoint that with the worst flash mob ever. It's brought to you by Boston's own Lyndon Byers. For those of you who don't know him, LB used to play for the Boston Bruins, best known for his staggering ability to start fights. Now that he's retired, LB works for WAAF's Hill-Man Morning Show doing sports and claiming that every story is the greatest story in the world.
Anyway, he has a fascination with flash mobs and finally got the courage to organize his own at Bostons South Station. The results are too good to be true. WARNING: LB takes his shirt off. It's not pretty.

Ah yes, an epic flash mob failure. It was doomed from the start when LB had to look up the lyrics to Livin' On A Prayer on the way to South Station. If there were crickets in South Station, I'm sure we would have heard them. Interesting factoid about South Station, they have a food stand that sells nothing but grilled cheese. It's awesome.

SAM the Flying Bear

When I was in college, I dreamed of building a surface-air-missile launcher in my dorm room. There was no reason behind it, I just thought it would be kinda cool. Well now, the damn British are stealing my idea. This summer, the Olympic games are coming to London. Ah the Olympics, full of sports that nobody cares about. Some of which barely qualify as sports.
London is doing their best to prepare for the Olympics by building stadiums and towers and stuff. Oh yeah, and placing SAMs on apartment buildings. The army is still deciding exactly which building to put the SAMs on, but I'm guessing there's a tea shop nearby.
Hiding missiles in an urban area is nothing new for the British. It was leaked in 1982 that Big Ben hides a ICBM holding multiple nuclear warheads. The Queen denied this claim of course, but further leaked documents and photos only prove the existence of the Big Ben Missile Silo further. It has long been rumored that the London Eye is actually a giant death laser.
So while the army decides the best location for the SAM sites, they need to test the weaponry before deploying it. Given the size of the London metropolitan area, the British army has been testing smaller ordinance on dangerous wildlife. Most recently, these smaller missiles were tested on a flying bear.
The British Flying Bear, or Ursa Feiji Londinium, is rarely found in urban areas but has been known to accidentally fly over cities during electrical storms. A couple weeks ago, one flew into a tree just north of Cardiff and got tangled in the branches. Police and Animal Control were called in but they deferred to the army when they showed up with a mobile SAM launcher on a Mini Cooper. They took one shot. That was all that was needed.

Here we see the British Flying Bear trying to escape

The bear was subdued using a concussion missile instead of a standard high explosive one, for humanitarian reasons. The bear has since gotten a job with Virgin Atlantic, making him only the third bear to be hired as a pilot by a major airline.

The Dangers of Zip-Lining Continue

Recently, the brilliant minds behind South Park produced an episode warning of the dangers of zip-lining. To give you brief synopsis, the boys go zip-lining to look for fun and instead are repeatedly plagued by boredom and Cartman farting. It was a funny episode and I walked away safe in knowledge that I shouldn't go zip-lining. Then I found more evidence.
Last week, 24 year old Georgia native Aimee Copeland was on a kayaking trip with friends. They decided to build a zip-line, thinking it would lead to anything but tragedy. The line snapped and cut her calf, sending her to the hospital for stitches. Certainly a buzzkill but not the worst thing ever. Until the wound kept hurting and getting worse. Now she is clinging to life with a nasty case of flesh-eating bacteria.

Ultra close-up picture of a flesh-eating bacteria

I'm trying to be funny here but it's hard, I keep alternating between cringing and feeling guilty. So far the injured leg has been amputated, and it has still spread to her abdomen. It seems too easy to make jokes about it as an effective weight-loss plan. And it would seem in poor taste to say that in Soviet Russia, bacteria eats you! And it would certainly be too soon to say that she needs the flesh-eating bacteria like she needs a hole in her leg.
Wow, that last paragraph made me feel terrible about myself. I need to go sit in a corner and think about what I've done.

Brutally Efficient Robot Death Squads Return!

I did it again. And by that I mean I saw The Avengers again. It is a 2.5 hour long nerdgasm. But that's not why I'm here today. Today I bring some disturbing news. No, I'm not going to post more about John Travolta being sued, I think we've had enough of that.
Instead we travel to Peru for some reports of mass animal deaths. April was a terrible month for animals that call Peru home. Along the northern coast, 877 dolphins were found dead, having washed up on the beach, gotten drunk off Patron and Corona and passed out in the sand where they died from exposure. Shortly after, in the same area, an estimated 1,200 birds were found dead.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I've addressed mass animal deaths before. My conclusion then was that it was the work of brutally efficient robot death squads. My findings have not changed. However, I have two theories about why these mass animal deaths are occurring along the same stretch of coast. One is terrifying and the other is naive. Let's start with naivete.
We might be seeing a unified wildlife attack from air and sea. The animals appear to be attempting to gain a foothold along the northern Peruvian coastline in a order to launch a full-scale invasion of South America. I'm hoping that the brutally efficient robot death squads had sunk sea mines off the coast and the 877 dead dolphins represent the casualties from the initial incursion.
Having failed to invade by sea, the animals decided to soften up the land first with an air attack. However, once again the brutally efficient robot death squads protected us, this time with their anti-air lasers. A very large amount of the dead birds were pelicans, which we all know are the avian worlds heaviest bombers. I assume that it was a mixed force of smaller bombers as well as escort birds.

Exterminate Extra Crispy Style!

But more likely...
We are seeing a resurgence of brutally efficient robot death squad training maneuvers. The disturbing part is that it is now occurring in South America, leading me to believe that the brutally efficient robot death squad central leadership has expanded the scope of their ultimate invasion. They now intend on taking the entire Western Hemisphere in one massive invasion.
I have previously offered brutally efficient robot death squad insurance. In light of these new attacks, I am now expanding the scope of my insurance to include car and home insurance as well. Obviously, plans only protect against brutally efficient robot death squad attacks and we do prosecute for fraudulent claims. I am currently in litigation due to a former client claiming a brutally efficient robot death squad attack is what caused the water damage in his house. I can't say anymore as it is not my policy to discuss an ongoing investigation.

This Is Like The Damn Yankees of Posts

Because it's just too easy, I thought I'd do some celebrity stories today. It makes me feel a bit cheap though, I mean they make it so easy . So I found a trio of news stories about celebrities and only two of them involve inappropriate sex. Also, ten points if you can figure out the reference in the title and post it.
Well lets get this one done quickly; John Travolta is accused of being gay again. He's being sued by a masseur for doing things that I don't want to put on this blog. Seriously, I warn you if you read the link, it gets graphic. Things I never wanted to picture, whether true or not, are now seared into my brains eye.

The whole "John Travolta being accused of being gay" thing is nothing new. Even if he is secretly gay, who give's a crap? I feel like this horse has been dead for a while and the world just keeps beating it. We all know that he and Tom Cruise are being blackmailed by Scientologists, who have evidence they're secretly married to eachother.
So moving on, remember that baby factory, Nadya Suleman? Of course you do, how could ever forget the surgically-endowed face like Angelina Jolie and the body that somehow carried 8 small humans without collapsing in on itself. Well, she's broke and doing porn.
I'm a little afraid to think about this frankly. Beyonce had 1 baby and got her ridiculous body back. Octo had. At once. I heard the eighth kid literally crawled out. There is no amount of horny or curious to get me to watch that porn. I already saw it. It was called The Lincoln Tunnel and it cost 4 bucks to get through.
And now I'd like to wrap on a high note. And a tall note. Shaquille O'Neal recently earned his Doctorate, proving once again that he is better than you. The thing that kills me is that it's not an honorary doctorate, he actually earned it. Granted it was attained online from Barry University (apparently not just a guy named Barry operating out of a van), but he has officially earned the right to correct people when they call him Mr. O'Neal.

That's Dr. O'Neal, actually

Youtube Monday: RIP

You know what Monday's mean, besides a peak of my horrible crippling depression. It's Youtube Monday! Before I get to that, there are a couple things I need to get out of the way.
Eli Manning on SNL - I'll compress my thoughts into this sentence: it's a good thing that his job is winning Super Bowls and not doing sketch comedy
The Avengers - this is officially the best comic book movie ever. I loved everything about it, but I've been told to not give away anything for at least another week. Just go see the damn movie, I know I will be seeing it multiple times.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program. Last Friday, a third of one of the greatest bands ever passed away. Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys succumbed to cancer and left us forever wondering watcha watcha watcha want. I have many fond memories of The Beastie Boys like blasting Brass Monkey through an ancient vinyl record player. I remember performing Sabotage loudly in a Chinese karaoke bar (I provided my own music).
In 2009, I was gearing up for the All Points West music festival. The Beastie Boys were set to headline when MCA was first diagnosed. They had to pull out and were replaced at the last minute by Jay-Z. A pretty good compromise if you ask me. Ever the performer, Jay-Z took the stage with an amazing cover of No Sleep Til Brooklyn.
So this weeks Youtube Monday is in special tribute to you, MCA. I present you my personal favorite song and video by the Beastie Boys. May you rest in peace.

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains

I decided I'd do a bonus Saturday post before heading to the in-laws. Don't get too excited though, I'm just combining all three parts of The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains. 
With the release of The Avengers, I've taken stock of some of the other comic-book movies and their villains. Some have been resounding triumphs, like The Joker or Loki. However for every Two-Face there are 2 lame-ass villains. So I present to you...


The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains


6. The Punisher - Howard Saint
2004's The Punisher was almost a good comic book movie. It came so close. The use of the slightly obscure thug The Russian was well done, seeing Frank Castle AKA The Punisher nearly get pulverized by the giant of a man. The unfortunate part is the person who hired him. Howard Saint was a Tampa area crime boss played by the useless John Travolta.

Behold, Tony Montana the Scientologist

The result was John Travolta once again chewing the scenery as an angry money launderer. What makes him particularly lame, aside from the fact that the main bad guy was a Sweat Hog, is that he is a crime boss in Tampa. Yes, Tampa, a city known for tourism, theme parks and retirees. I know when I think of criminal empires, the three places that jump to mind are Bogota, Detroit and lovely Tampa. Seriously, they could have given Howard Saint more legitimacy if they said he was CFO for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. At least Buccaneers are pirates, evoking memories of Blackbeard and Captain Jack Sparrow. 

Instead we get the bad guy from Battlefield Earth in a city with a district called Safety Harbor. Kudos to you filmmakers for taking the brave choice.

5. Blade Trinity - Jarko Grimwood

2004 was not a good year for comic book movie villains. We were "treated" to the release of Blade Trinity, a completely unnecessary sequel to a surprisingly good sequel (Guillermo Del Toro's Blade 2 was pretty great). In this one, half vampire Blade is a man wanted by the FBI, a chillingly accurate premonition of Wesley Snipes future. Blade is hunted not just by the government, but also a group of evil vampires (are there any other kinds) intent on resurrecting Dracula to take over the world.

We're already in dangerously lame territory but it was cemented by the inclusion of Jarko Grimwood, played by awesome WWE Champ Triple H. This actually pains me a bit cause Triple H has been one of my favorites for a long time. In Blade Trinity, Jarko Grimwood was a huge vampire with a ridiculous name and a fluffy dog.

You're so cute I could suck your blood and eat you alive

This was so close to not sucking, but they had to introduce the dog. Did I mention that the dog is also a vampire? Pretty sure I did. Seriously, having a badass like Triple H as a villain seems like a surefire bet. The only way to sabotage it would be to give him a terrible name and make him in love with a tiny dog. Oh wait. 

I know what you're thinking, "But Dave, you love your dog Flexxo". It's true, I do. But I'm also not a vampire or a super-villain nor a pro wrestler, despite my best attempts at all three. All of the ass-kicking he does in the movie is completely wiped out by his fury when he finds out his dog is dead. So, Jarko Grimwood, you earned your place on this list. 

4. Spiderman 3 - Extreme Sports Harry
Ok so Spiderman 3 was definitely the weakest of the Spiderman movies, especially after the cinematic bliss that was Spiderman 2. Director Sam Raimi decided the best way to improve upon the previous film was to pile on the villains. I personally felt that Sandman was, for the most part, well done. Venom should have never been attempted but I appreciate the effort. And then we come to Extreme Sports Harry.
Of course that's not his official name. He's known as just plain old Harry Osbourne, angry over his fathers death and imbued with some new powers like, umm, fast reflexes and the ability to throw temper tantrums. At the end of Spiderman 2, Harry stumbles upon his fathers lab and armory. Instead of freaking out, he of course goes through the same gas chamber sequence and dons a body suit to take his revenge on Spidey.

"Do a barrel roll!"

If you look at the picture, you can see why I've dubbed him Extreme Sports Harry. His powers include riding a flying snowboard and wearing a ski mask. Seriously, the only way he could look less intimidating is if he were wearing a Mickey Mouse Club shirt. James Franco made a better villain in Pineapple Express, and he actually played a stoner protagonist.
He looks like he dipped into his gigantic trust fund to buy the most awesome snowboard on the planet, but used it for revenge instead of totally sweet half-pipe tricks. And then when he inevitably takes a spill, he loses his memory and ends up coming to Spidermans aid. The big flaw in Harrys plan, besides the entire thing, is that he's a rank amateur going up against a professional super-hero. And he tries it without a totally gnarly backside rodeo.

3. Superman 4: The Quest For Peace - Nuclear Man
Well well, we have our first DC Comics villain. You may ask why it took so long. Well the answer is simple: there have been fewer movies based on DC characters. DC has only had two successful film franchises, and Superman 4 is the worst of one of them. To give you the breakdown on Nuclear Man, he was created when a nuclear bomb carrying a piece of Supermans hair was thrown into the sun by Superman. Yeah, great origin story.
So what were Nuclear Mans powers you ask? He was as strong as Superman and could fly like him. But the similarities end there. Nuclear Man had, for some reason, powers of electricity and telekinesis apparently. But his best power was his super sharp and manicured nails. Seriously. He injured Superman very badly when he scratched him. That's right, he has the nails of a bag lady, only electrified.

This picture has not been altered in any way. I swear.

You may be wondering where you've seen that actor before. The answer is nowhere. The part of Nuclear Man was so awful that the actor who played him never acted again. Nuclear Man's greatest power it turns out, was destroying the dreams of the actor who played him.

2. The Hulk - Gamma Dogs
It's a well documented fact that I love dogs. I also love the Hulk. So putting them together seems like a no-brainer. Well that's exactly how much brain Ang Lee was using when he put these three Hulked out canines in the first Hulk movie. In the film, Bruce Banners Father, played by mugshot-worthy Nick Nolte, mutates his three dogs using Gamma rays or something. Honestly, who cares?
What resulted were some of the most ridiculous looking creatures to ever be captured on film. Two of the dogs had such overmuscled heads that they looked like caricatures. It looked like someone took their dog down to the boardwalk and payed a caricature artist to draw their dog. Oh yeah, and one of the dogs was a poodle.

No caption is needed. 

I know when I think of scary, intimidating dogs, a poodle pops to mind first. I had a poodle growing up. He was a big goofy sweetheart but he inspired fear in precisely nobody. Even the cat would push him around. I don't even know what that other dog is. It looks like a Choco Taco with teeth. And for some reason, these absurd beasts managed to give the Hulk a run for his money. The only part of the scene that didn't completely suck was when Hulk punched one of them in its gamma mutated balls.
I'm now picturing my Cocker Spaniel Flexxo as a Gamma Dog. He would be terrifying, licking his enemies and snoring at them. No joke, he's currently laying next to me, snoring like a chainsaw with his tongue sticking out. Scary, I know.

1. X-Men: The Last Stand - Kid Omega
Here we are with the lamest villain ever. The third X-Men movie was, to put it kindly, crap on wheels. The filmmakers decided to jam as many mutants in it as possible, failing on most of them. But no failure was as great as Kid Omega, also known as Porcupine Boy.

It looks like he has spiny muttonchops

First of all, in the comics, that's not Kid Omega. Kid Omega was a super-smart telepath. Kind of like Professor X, only with hair and the ability to walk. X-Men 3 decided to take the name and slap it on Porcupine Boy, hoping nobody would care. Nobody did. He uses his powers twice in the movie. Once to "intimidate" Pyro and Magneto (obviously didn't work). The second time was to kill a scientist with an awesome accent.
How did he kill this scientist? By hugging her. Seriously. He hugged her and popped his spines out, stabbing her dozens of times with tiny pricks. Basically, if you pet him with the grain, you'll be ok. He was supposed to be a real villain in this movie, but instead comes off as a joke. He's part man, part hedgehog, not exactly the deadliest combination.
So its you Kid Omega. You are the lamest comic book movie villain of all time. May you munch upon all the bugs you can and be kept as a pet by a little British boy.

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains, Part Three

There are two great things coming out today. Of course the first is the third part of my series entitled The Six Lamest Comic Book Movies Villains. The other awesome thing coming out today is a little movie called The Avengers. I will be seeing it Sunday at 1:20. Why not today or tomorrow you ask, well the answer is simple. I'm not seeing it today because I'm sure it will be full of annoying people in super-hero t-shirts. I'm not seeing it tomorrow because it's my mother-in-laws birthday and we'll be celebrating that instead. So without further ado, I present......

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains, Part Three

2. The Hulk - Gamma Dogs
It's a well documented fact that I love dogs. I also love the Hulk. So putting them together seems like a no-brainer. Well that's exactly how much brain Ang Lee was using when he put these three Hulked out canines in the first Hulk movie. In the film, Bruce Banners Father, played by mugshot-worthy Nick Nolte, mutates his three dogs using Gamma rays or something. Honestly, who cares?
What resulted were some of the most ridiculous looking creatures to ever be captured on film. Two of the dogs had such overmuscled heads that they looked like caricatures. It looked like someone took their dog down to the boardwalk and payed a caricature artist to draw their dog. Oh yeah, and one of the dogs was a poodle.

No caption is needed. 

I know when I think of scary, intimidating dogs, a poodle pops to mind first. I had a poodle growing up. He was a big goofy sweetheart but he inspired fear in precisely nobody. Even the cat would push him around. I don't even know what that other dog is. It looks like a Choco Taco with teeth. And for some reason, these absurd beasts managed to give the Hulk a run for his money. The only part of the scene that didn't completely suck was when Hulk punched one of them in its gamma mutated balls.
I'm now picturing my Cocker Spaniel Flexxo as a Gamma Dog. He would be terrifying, licking his enemies and snoring at them. No joke, he's currently laying next to me, snoring like a chainsaw with his tongue sticking out. Scary, I know.

1. X-Men: The Last Stand - Kid Omega
Here we are with the lamest villain ever. The third X-Men movie was, to put it kindly, crap on wheels. The filmmakers decided to jam as many mutants in it as possible, failing on most of them. But no failure was as great as Kid Omega, also known as Porcupine Boy.

It looks like he has spiny muttonchops

First of all, in the comics, that's not Kid Omega. Kid Omega was a super-smart telepath. Kind of like Professor X, only with hair and the ability to walk. X-Men 3 decided to take the name and slap it on Porcupine Boy, hoping nobody would care. Nobody did. He uses his powers twice in the movie. Once to "intimidate" Pyro and Magneto (obviously didn't work). The second time was to kill a scientist with an awesome accent.
How did he kill this scientist? By hugging her. Seriously. He hugged her and popped his spines out, stabbing her dozens of times with tiny pricks. Basically, if you pet him with the grain, you'll be ok. He was supposed to be a real villain in this movie, but instead comes off as a joke. He's part man, part hedgehog, not exactly the deadliest combination.
So its you Kid Omega. You are the lamest comic book movie villain of all time. May you munch upon all the bugs you can and be kept as a pet by a little British boy.

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains, Part 2

Welcome to the second part of my three part series. Without further ado, I present you...

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains, Part 2

4. Spiderman 3 - Extreme Sports Harry
Ok so Spiderman 3 was definitely the weakest of the Spiderman movies, especially after the cinematic bliss that was Spiderman 2. Director Sam Raimi decided the best way to improve upon the previous film was to pile on the villains. I personally felt that Sandman was, for the most part, well done. Venom should have never been attempted but I appreciate the effort. And then we come to Extreme Sports Harry.
Of course that's not his official name. He's known as just plain old Harry Osbourne, angry over his fathers death and imbued with some new powers like, umm, fast reflexes and the ability to throw temper tantrums. At the end of Spiderman 2, Harry stumbles upon his fathers lab and armory. Instead of freaking out, he of course goes through the same gas chamber sequence and dons a body suit to take his revenge on Spidey.

"Do a barrel roll!"

If you look at the picture, you can see why I've dubbed him Extreme Sports Harry. His powers include riding a flying snowboard and wearing a ski mask. Seriously, the only way he could look less intimidating is if he were wearing a Mickey Mouse Club shirt. James Franco made a better villain in Pineapple Express, and he actually played a stoner protagonist.
He looks like he dipped into his gigantic trust fund to buy the most awesome snowboard on the planet, but used it for revenge instead of totally sweet half-pipe tricks. And then when he inevitably takes a spill, he loses his memory and ends up coming to Spidermans aid. The big flaw in Harrys plan, besides the entire thing, is that he's a rank amateur going up against a professional super-hero. And he tries it without a totally gnarly backside rodeo.

3. Superman 4: The Quest For Peace - Nuclear Man
Well well, we have our first DC Comics villain. You may ask why it took so long. Well the answer is simple: there have been fewer movies based on DC characters. DC has only had two successful film franchises, and Superman 4 is the worst of one of them. To give you the breakdown on Nuclear Man, he was created when a nuclear bomb carrying a piece of Supermans hair was thrown into the sun by Superman. Yeah, great origin story.
So what were Nuclear Mans powers you ask? He was as strong as Superman and could fly like him. But the similarities end there. Nuclear Man had, for some reason, powers of electricity and telekinesis apparently. But his best power was his super sharp and manicured nails. Seriously. He injured Superman very badly when he scratched him. That's right, he has the nails of a bag lady, only electrified.

This picture has not been altered in any way. I swear.

You may be wondering where you've seen that actor before. The answer is nowhere. The part of Nuclear Man was so awful that the actor who played him never acted again. Nuclear Man's greatest power it turns out, was destroying the dreams of the actor who played him.

Stay tuned tomorrow for the top 2 Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains!

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains, Part One

Ok I am super-psyched, pun partially intended. If you haven't noticed, this Friday will see the release of The Avengers, a film that I am actively salivating over. I've already got my tickets bought (thank you Fandango) and have been running through the films that build up to it. All this comic book movie watching has got me thinking, however.
The five movies prior to The Avengers are all awesome and feature some great adversaries for their respective heroes. But what about all the other comic book movies that have come and gone that had lame super-villains? I lay in bed last night listing all the lamest villains to make it into a comic book movie and was inspired to share them with you. So I present the first part of a three part series listing the lamest comic book movie villains, leading up to Friday's release of The Avengers. Enjoy.

The Six Lamest Comic Book Movie Villains
6. The Punisher - Howard Saint
2004's The Punisher was almost a good comic book movie. It came so close. The use of the slightly obscure thug The Russian was well done, seeing Frank Castle AKA The Punisher nearly get pulverized by the giant of a man. The unfortunate part is the person who hired him. Howard Saint was a Tampa area crime boss played by the useless John Travolta.

Behold, Tony Montana the Scientologist

The result was John Travolta once again chewing the scenery as an angry money launderer. What makes him particularly lame, aside from the fact that the main bad guy was a Sweat Hog, is that he is a crime boss in Tampa. Yes, Tampa, a city known for tourism, theme parks and retirees. I know when I think of criminal empires, the three places that jump to mind are Bogota, Detroit and lovely Tampa. Seriously, they could have given Howard Saint more legitimacy if they said he was CFO for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. At least Buccaneers are pirates, evoking memories of Blackbeard and Captain Jack Sparrow. 

Instead we get the bad guy from Battlefield Earth in a city with a district called Safety Harbor. Kudos to you filmmakers for taking the brave choice.

5. Blade Trinity - Jarko Grimwood

2004 was not a good year for comic book movie villains. We were "treated" to the release of Blade Trinity, a completely unnecessary sequel to a surprisingly good sequel (Guillermo Del Toro's Blade 2 was pretty great). In this one, half vampire Blade is a man wanted by the FBI, a chillingly accurate premonition of Wesley Snipes future. Blade is hunted not just by the government, but also a group of evil vampires (are there any other kinds) intent on resurrecting Dracula to take over the world.

We're already in dangerously lame territory but it was cemented by the inclusion of Jarko Grimwood, played by awesome WWE Champ Triple H. This actually pains me a bit cause Triple H has been one of my favorites for a long time. In Blade Trinity, Jarko Grimwood was a huge vampire with a ridiculous name and a fluffy dog.

You're so cute I could suck your blood and eat you alive

This was so close to not sucking, but they had to introduce the dog. Did I mention that the dog is also a vampire? Pretty sure I did. Seriously, having a badass like Triple H as a villain seems like a surefire bet. The only way to sabotage it would be to give him a terrible name and make him in love with a tiny dog. Oh wait. 

I know what you're thinking, "But Dave, you love your dog Flexxo". It's true, I do. But I'm also not a vampire or a super-villain nor a pro wrestler, despite my best attempts at all three. All of the ass-kicking he does in the movie is completely wiped out by his fury when he finds out his dog is dead. So, Jarko Grimwood, you earned your place on this list. 

Come back tomorrow for Part 2, where I reveal the 4th and 3rd lamest comic book movie villains.

Finally Found A Guy Crazier Than Me

I'm always encouraged when I find someone who's crazier than me. It makes me feel, well less crazy. Yes, I may sing opera at times that my Good Lady Wife finds "embarrassing" and yes I have been known to have rather one-sided conversations with my dog Flexxo. But at least I never claimed that, as a child, I was part of a series of government experiments to send to people back in time.

It travels in time and space. It's bigger on the inside. And it holds cookies

At least that's what Andrew Basiago, a Seattle attorney is claiming. For almost 8 years now, Mr. Crazy, ESQ. has been claiming that he was part of "Project Pegasus" from age 7 to 12. Having nothing to do with flying horses, Project Pegasus was supposedly a DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Project Agency) a secret project investigating potential time travel techniques.
Basiago is not alone apparently. He has a lawyer friend named Alfred Webre who specializes in exopolitics. Alright, I'll bite, what the hell is exopolitics? It's the political implications of the presence of extra-terrestrials on Earth. So apparently you can make a career out of being crazy.

But we already knew that

It would seem the scientists involved in Project Pegasus were obsessed with Abraham Lincoln because they kept sending Mr. Basiago back to see him. He was lucky enough to hear the Gettysburg Address in person. As he says, even though he had been dressed in period clothing, he attracted too much attention because his shoes were too big. So he started walking around when he was allegedly photographed.

He says that's him on the left

It clearly is proof that he time traveled. I mean, look at the size of those shoes. But it gets better. Basiago claims he was at Ford's Theater for Lincoln's assassination. He didn't get to see the shot, but he says he heard it. Oh yeah and he also says that was there 5 or 6 separate times.
It still gets better. Basiago claims that twice he ran into other versions of himself. Honestly, I've often dreamed of meeting myself. I think it would be awesome, like finding an immediate best friend. Or worst enemy. Either way, it would be directed by Michael Bay.
Together, Basiago and Webre are positive that the American government has both time travel and teleportation technology, but will only use them to experiment on children. The Department of Defense has had this technology for 40 years and Donald Rumsfeld even used it to transport troops to battle.
I have to be honest, I'm starting to overload on all this crazy. I think I need to breath into a paper bag for a few minutes. I recommend you read the entire article yourself, as it contains more crazy per square inch than Rio during Festivale.