Foxconn: What Does That Name Mean?

News! That is all.
I was just told I should elaborate so here we go. There has been a lot of talk about iPads lately, namely the release of a new one that, much like the old one, I can't afford. To be perfectly honest, I have no use for one but they are so cool I still want one. I feel like it would match my iPhone and maybe make it less lonely.
Anyway, todays iPad news is coming from, where else, China. Like most things in America, iPads are made in China. Go ahead, take a minute and look around you. Check the tags on your clothes and the bottoms of electronics or anything else. Chances are it says "Made in China". For some quick background, iPads are made in China by a company called Foxconn, with factories mostly in the south of China.
Well reports are coming out about labor violations in Foxconn factories. First of all, I didn't even know China had labor laws. True story, I once saw a guy welding on a Sunday evening wearing nothing but flip-flops and shorts. No shirt and certainly no safety glasses, much less a welders mask. I've seen workers literally hanging out windows to install air conditioners. That's why when I saw this report, I figured it must be really really bad in a Foxconn factory.
I was picturing workers chained to their desks, getting whipped while Communist propaganda plays loudly.

Those workers are way too animated

Anyway, instead of the hilarious scene above, workers were reporting extreme dissatisfaction with pay scale and hours (join the club). For example, Foxconn factory workers acrue overtime in 30 minute increments, which means 29 minutes extra means no overtime and 59 minutes means only one unit. As an American, that sucks. But for a Chinese worker, that's still pretty decent. In fact this is the first time I've even heard of overtime pay in China. Seriously, that's not a joke.
Workers were paid above the legal minimum (again, didn't even know there was a minimum wage in China) and always on time. But almost 65% of workers reported being unable to cover their basic needs.
I'm going to pause for a moment to editorialize. I lived in China for 5 years and was paid in Chinese currency at Chinese rates and was able to live very comfortably. I will admit that I did not live in the major metropolis that is Shenzhen, but cost of living was pretty damn cheap. I could literally feed myself three meals for less than 4 American dollars. Transportation was cheap. Rent was cheap. Granted, I wasn't providing for a family, but I feel like I probably could have on my salary.
What are these workers spending their money on? They're getting paid well above minimum, which in China is more than enough to live on.
Of course the majority of workers are of the migrant variety. China has a floating population of roughly 300 million migrant workers who travel from their countryside towns to the big cities looking for work. This often lands them in factories or working construction. They live in workers dorms which suck more than the dorms at any American state university. I'm looking at you UMass. The dorms are usually not heated with no hot water and there are up to 8 people crammed into a dorm room. And you thought your job sucked.
Despite all these drawbacks, workers at Foxconn are still getting paid fairly well (relatively speaking). I don't mean to defend what very well may be horrible conditions, but I think the problem lies in unrealistic expectations. Because its a prominent American company, I think people are expecting to receive wages and treatment commensurate with that.
What we have to remember is that China is not America. Our labor laws were shaped during the Industrial Revolution, something that China is still going through in many ways. China may be one of the largest economies in the world, but it is still a developing nation that at times is held to unrealistic standards. It takes years, decades even, to modernize both the workforce and the laws that govern it.
Furthermore, lets not forget that China is not a capitalist democratic republic, like America. While I agree that its not fair to the workers in China, its also not fair to hold Chinese companies and factories to foreign standards. It is a form of economic extraterritoriality, whereby foreign owned businesses are expected to govern themselves according to the standards set by their home country, and not the country the factory is in.
Compared to other factories in China, Foxconn is a beacon of progress. Compared to factories in the First World, it is still deficient. I have seen working conditions in both America and China with my own eyes. Yes, American conditions are waaay better, but the Chinese ones are improving. We can't expect a complete overhaul overnight. We can pressure Chinese companies to improve but we can't force them to move to quickly or they will collapse.
The attention that this receives is greater than it deserves, largely due to the fact that it is a prominent company producing a popular product. The computer I'm writing on right now was made in China, but we don't hear reports about Gateway factories not living up to our expectations.
Let me sum up my arguments. Conditions at the Foxconn factories are not great, but they have improved and are above the industry standard. For China. China is making great progress in terms of benefits, wages, and workers rights, but its a slow process that will take years to complete. In America, we have the benefit of more than 100 years of industrialization to learn from. We have unions to protect workers. We also have representative government and the Whopper. It is unrealistic at this point to hold Chinese businesses to American standards.
Now I know what you're going to say. "But Dave, Foxconn is an American owned company" Yes, but it is not located in America and therefore not governed by the same laws and standards.
Wow, this post got serious. I just wanted to poke fun at the fact that labor laws exist in China and I ended up ranting about the lopsided expectations. What are your thoughts? Do you agree with me? Do you know think I'm a fascist A-hole? Let me know, that's what the comments section is for. Maybe we can have a lively debate.

Too Awesome To Think of a Joke Title

Well today I bring you some news that is as awesome as it is incredible. No, I'm not talking about the recent announcement of the Anchorman sequel. Instead I bring you a story that has previously only existed in my eighth grade math notebook. I bring you a totally unverified story out of Paradise, California. More than unverified, unverifiable.
On Monday morning Robert Biggs of the egotistically named city reported being attacked by a mountain lion, only to be saved by a bear. Give that a minute to sink in. Ok, back with me? Good. Bobby Biggs, as I like to call him, was hiking in the woods when he came across a mama bear and her cubs. To his credit he stayed about 40 feet away and just watched the presumably adorable scene.
To his surprise, while he was wiping away tears of cuteness a freaking mountain lion jumped on his backpack. He claims the backpack was just in the right place. I say that the mountain lion was trying to get at the ooey gooey chewey chocolate chip sirloin in his pack. Either way, he's lucky that the damn thing mistook his L.L. Bean pack for his head.
While he was flailing wildly and screaming (I assume) the mama bear approached and smacked the crap out the mountain lion. The two awesome killer machine beasts battled for a little bit, the mountain lion using Judo and the mama bear ironically using tiger style Kung Fu. The mountain lion knew it was defeated when the mama bear did a jumping spin kick that totally rocked its world, surrendering and running off.

But Mama Bears throat punch was juuuuust right

The mama bear then turned to Bobby-Boy, thumped her chest twice and held up a peace sign, nodding at the same time. She turned and walked back to her babies, possibly while an explosion took place behind her. She did not look at the explosion. She's clearly too badass.
Bobby went home to his very alarmed wife with only a few bruises, scratches, bite marks, and a missing head. Ok, he kept his head...somehow. Anyway, he refused to go to the hospital, reasoning that tetanus shot he had gotten a couple years ago would be enough. So far he's right.
I'm at a loss to decide which of the participants is more badass. The mama bear for, well being a bear. Or Bobbo Biggs for just walking off the attack. The last time I got scratched by a housecat, I cried for 20 minutes and had to be consoled with ice cream and being gently rocked to sleep by my mom. Or my wow as I call her.

All This Pimping Is Aggravating Me

So lets see whats in the news today. I'd like to write about the Taco-copter but its not Tuesday, even though its the most brilliant idea, perhaps ever. Instead I bring you news out of France about, who else, Dominique Strauss-Kahn or DSK as he's otherwise known. I prefer DSK since its easier to type. Also, it sounds like a serial killer nickname.
Anyway, on Monday DSK was officially warned that he's under investigation for "aggravated pimping". There are several things about that sentence that I want to mock, so I'll do it in order. First, he hasn't been charged yet, only warned that he might be charged. I like how the French justice system works. They don't seem to arrest people, only give them warnings. I imagine theives get stopped and scolded by effeminate cops.

"Tsk tsk you naughty boy" - Translated from French

More entertaining is the charge he might be arrested for; aggravated pimping. That sounds a lot like an pimp who got very annoyed at something, perhaps a bitch not breaking herself (actual pimp term). He's not angry yet, but he's getting there. He's warning her that "DSK might have to choke a bitch", but he's a pimp with a heart of gold. Also a chalice of gold. And because its France, that chalice is filled with Chateau le Chien 1982. A good year for wine and pimping.
What does a French pimp drive? Does he scoot around on a tricked out Vespa? Perhaps the real question here is, how is anyone surprised? Forget about the whole attempted rape of hotel maid in NY or the attempted rape of a journalist in France. DSK has admitted to attending high-class sex parties that may or may not have involved prostitutes.
It's probably a good thing that he stepped down from the IMF job before he started funneling money to pay for top quality whores. It is too bad that he had to pull out of his bid for president of France. He would have been in good company with Silvio Berlusconi. They would have definitely had a special relationship.
Here's something I learned from all this. In France, prostitution is legal, but profiting from the prostitution of another is not. So they have hookers but no pimps. Ice-T would be horrified. I'd also like to point out that the initials DSK makes me think of Donkey Kong and wonder what kind of pimp he'd make. You DO NOT want him to have to choke a bitch.

That ain't a banana in his pocket

I Heart Science

Earlier today, scientists at the Mid-Pacific Institute for Oceanography and Alienology announced an entirely new form of life has been found in the most unlikely of places – Conan O’Briens beard. Dr. Otto Milkfordshire, Chairman of the Institute presented the very first living specimens of Coco Sapiens Rex at a press conference Monday.

            “We are thrilled to share this discovery with the world. Who would have thought to find a wholly unique life form in a talk show hosts facial hair, let alone one on basic cable. This discovery really forces us to take a look at the fundamental forces that drive evolution” Dr Milkfordshire said.

            A plasma-based creature, Coco Sapiens Rex, or Conamites as the team calls them, live in Conan O’Briens beard hair and subsides primarily on crumbs it finds there. Though it is invisible to the naked eye, it releases a powerful pheromone that causes the host to mime like a Depression era marionette. Furthermore this pheromone causes female celebrities to find the host charming and hilarious.

            Perhaps most interesting is that Conamites are only found in Mr. O’Briens beard hair. Researchers were stunned to find none living in his older and more famous pompadour. Though they are found in the sideburns, it is rare for Conamites to live above the ear line. Further searches of his body hair were fruitless when it was realized he has none.

            This is not the first new species discovered in a talk show hosts beard. David Lettermans beard was home to a new subspecies of rice and Jon Stewart was forced to shave his beard when a new species of parasitic mollusk had evolved on Mr. Stewarts chinstrap. But the Conamite represents a new genus entirely, having too many fundamental biological differences.

            “This is the most singular thing I’ve ever experienced “ Karl Fudabaker, writer, futurist and leader of the team responsible for the discovery said. “To think that millions of dollars are wasted on the search for extra-terrestrial life when theres clearly so much more biodiversity here than we ever though. There are nothing like Conamites anywhere on Earth.”

            This announcement is sure to reopen the debate on the study of late night talk shows. Many feel this will strengthen the historically tentative position of the science of chatology.

            “Conamites give validation to my lifes work” said Professor Mitchell Fistington of Diploma University’s Department of Chatology. For researchers like Professor Fistington, Coco Sapiens Rex represents the future of their profession.

            Dr. Milkfordshire believes the discovery of Conamites will lead to a boom in the study of the bearded ecosystem. “The existence of Conamites leads us to more questions than ever. Are they capable of living in other beards? What effect does the redness of Conan’s beard have on them? Do they host their own late night talk shows? It will take years of painstaking research before we know the answers to these questions”.

            At the same press conference, Dr Milkfordshire also announced the plan to turn Conan O’Briens beard into a wildlife sanctuary devoted to protection and study of Coco Sapiens Rex. Conan O’Brien was not immediately available for comment.

Youtube Tuesday 2: The Revenge

Well its Tuesday and you know what that means. Doritos Tacos Loco Day! Also Youtube Tuesday. This weeks Youtube selection comes courtesy of the worst actor in the world, Nicholas Cage. No, its not a side by side comparison of Senor Cage's emotional range.

Now that's acting

No, not that. A few years ago, Nick Cage starred in a remake of The Wicker Man. The original starred some actual actors and featured a lot of social commentary, as well as a pretty good ending. All in all, its considered a classic, possibly due to the absence of Nick Cage yelling about bees. Fast forward to 2006 and we have a complete remake. Except, this time its chock full of the Cage-Meister (German for "master of cages") looking confused and yelling about bees.
The result of this misguided attempt at a movie is literally the worst film I have ever seen. I would rather punch myself 12 and a half times in the crotch than be forced to watch this cinematic excretion again. Then I stumbled upon this piece of Youtube gold. Youtube user JasonSly re-cut the trailer for the Wicker Man, presenting it as a family comedy instead of a terrible "thriller". Please enjoy and keep an eye out for Nick Cage in a bear suit punching women.

There are no comments I can make that would top this brilliant video. Instead, I'm going to watch it again, while eating a sandwich.

Mmm...Sandwiches

Ok, I cant stay silent on Tim Tebow the Jet anymore. If the rest of NY is anything like me, they're already sick of him. Although to be honest, I was sick of him when he was in Denver. The fact is, he's an average quarterback who had some lucky late game heroics. What he is, however, is a unique and fairly polarizing personality.
New York is a huge market, the hugest. Countless media outlets have their bases there. Tim Tebow is nothing if not a great story in the paper. Look at the other quarterbacks in NY. Mark Sanchez is another average player who is very pretty. Two time Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning is too quiet for the NY press. He goes on the field, wins championships and goes home.
The thing that is annoying me the most about Tebow the Jet is how he is already the toast of the town. The Carnegie Deli has already named a sandwich after him. Presumably, it is a fish sandwich. I imagine it is only a loaf of bread with one small fish on it, but like all Carnegie Deli sandwiches, can feed dozens. The true irony is that the most Jewish deli in NY is honoring the most Christian player in America.

"Doin' great there Timmy"

To be fair to the Carnegie Deli, they tried to make an Eli Manning sandwich. It was a double decker sandwich filled with the most awesome of all meats; bacon, filet mignon, caviar, and bacon. It was then dipped in gold and served on the Lombardi Trophy by a team of physicist supermodels. It sold well, but customers had trouble chewing through the gold. Also it cost $42,000. Totally worth it.

The Other Manning

So I just learned that 2 time Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning has an older brother who also plays football. And get this, he also plays quarterback. What are the odds? I kid of course, I'd have to have some serious mental deficiencies to not know who Patrick Manning is. What's that? Its Peyton Manning? What kind of name is that?
Anyway, the big news coming out of the NFL, aside from the Saints being huge dillholes, is the trade of the elder Manning. Peyton has officially been traded to the Denver Broncos, meaning that the Broncos have released Jesus' ex-roommate, Tim Tebow. I'm going to ignore the unnecessary acquisition by the Jets (NY's other team) and instead concentrate on Pat Robertson's recent comments.
Televangelist (I can't believe thats an actual word) and well known douche Pat Robertson recently commented to his 700 Club that Peyton Manning should get injured to teach the Broncos a lesson for releasing Timmy-Boy. I'm just going to provide the actual quote because my jerkass-summarizing skills are kind of rusty.

"OK, so Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP quarterback, but he's been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback. And in my opinion, it would serve them right."

Wow. What an a-hole. I'm honestly a bit stymied as to how to react to this. I already knew Pat Robertson was a dick, but this is a whole new level. He is essentially wishing that Peyton Manning re-breaks his neck because hes mad that the Broncos released his favorite player. And to make it worse, he's twisting the will of Dog for his own selfish and petty means.
I'm frankly flabbergasted at this guy. So much so that I think I need to stop writing about this before I slip into a string of incomprehensible curses and insults. Instead I will present you with a picture of the ring that Peyton will win for the Broncos to show Pat Robertson what a dick he is.

Now THATS a 10 table ring

Actually thats a picture of the first all-diamond ring. That thing is 150 carats and is worth about $70 million, or less than the amount the Denver Broncos just paid Satans QB. Suck it Pat Robertson.

Brains Are The Goal

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring dire news today. It would seem that the zombie apocalypse is upon us, and its starting with professional athletes. Making the news this week is the story of Fabrice Muamba, professional soccer player for the Bolton Wanderers. Shortly before halftime in a game against the Tottenham Tater Tots (might not be their actual name), Muamba dropped to the turf, his heart no longer beating.
Lucky for him there was a cardiologist in attendance who managed to make it onto the field to save him before being tackled by security. No word on if he actually intended on streaking. Word got out that Muamba was effectively dead for 78 minutes. His heart was not beating during that 78 minutes. To put that in perspective, if he were not dead, he could have watched an entire episode of Alcatraz and still have time to blog about its pointlessness. However, since he was technically dead he didn't watch Alcatraz, much like everyone else.
First of all, this guy is badass. So badass, I might be forced to induct him into the Badass Hall of Fame. We'll see how the votes go. More importantly, he came back to life after 78 minutes of death, meaning he is the worlds first zombie.

A terrifying start

Us mortals have a lot to fear if professional athletes are going all zombie on us. Imagine going for a nice swim on a hot summers day only to have a zombie Michael Phelps pull you under and eat you, all while wearing a swimming cap. A day at the park ruined by zombie Troy Polamalu tackling and then eating you. I wouldn't worry too much about zombie Lebron James, as he'll likely choke on the first bite.
Of course if we can harness these zombie athletes, or zombathletes, then we could have a whole new industry on our hands. Zombies racing around a track, chasing a steak on a fishing line. Zombie football would be cheaper since you can save money on equipment. Zombies don't have to worry about concussions and you can be guaranteed they'll have a good solid grasp on the need for a running game.
If AMC's The Walking Dead is any indication, there will be huge ratings for the Zombie Olympics. We just have to keep the zombathletes away from the torch. The last thing we want is flaming zombies. So when the world is enthralled by the 2016 Fresno Zombie Olympics, we can look back on Fabrice Muamba and thank him for introducing us to a new way to gamble.
You know, that picture above is really freaking me out so I'm going to counter it with this picture of an adorable cocker spaniel puppy. Enjoy and I apologize if you have nightmares of zombies in Manchester United jerseys chasing after you.

So cute I could eat its braaaiiiiiiins

Migraine, Yourgraine, and Ourgraine

Lady and Gentleman, there is likely to be no post until much much later, if at all today. Having woken up at four in the morning with the entire annoying cast of Glee doing vocal exercises in my head. They've quieted down a bit since then but my cranium is still pounding so I'm going to lay low today. To help tide you over, here is one of the best videos on all of Youtube. Enjoy and I'll see you tomorrow.

Youtube Tuesday

Hello all, I'd like to welcome you to a new segment I call Youtube Tuesday. I'm also going to work on that name because I think I can do better (any suggestions?). From here on out, every Tuesday I will find a video on Youtube that is ridiculous enough to share with you. Without further ado, I present the very first video on Youtube Tuesday.

There are a few things to take away from this. First, I am very impressed that this dog is able to walk on its from two legs for so long, or at all. I'm a biped and I have trouble walking on two legs. This dog does what is effectively a handwalk for almost a full minute. I know the dog doesn't have hands but I don't know what else to call it.
Second, are you seeing how much this tiny dog is peeing? That is literally a 45 second pee from a dog the size of my bladder. Even if I drink a gallon of iced tea, I can pee for 20 seconds max. I don't know whats more impressive, the handstand or the length of pee. Personally, I think this guy needs to walk his dog more often. Instead of going for tacos every hour, maybe he should walk his dog so that it isn't forced to swell to twice its size because its filled with pee.
Pee.

Really?!

Normally I like to fill my posts with sarcasm and snark. Today I fill it with irony. A report by the Center for Public Integrity has released their findings from the State Integrity Investigation. And the results are so surprising that I'm forced to take a minute to compose myself. Also to take the laundry out of the dryer.
Ok I caught my breath. It turns out the state with the least amount of corruption is, wait for it, New Jersey. You read that correctly. New Jersey, home of the Jersey Shore, Atlantic City and the nations fattest governor is apparently the most honest state in the union. This revelation has turned my world upside down. Up is east, black is Honda, dogs and cats are living together. Total anarchy!

Yes its cute, but its also wrong!

As a state, New Jersey still sucks. I'm sorry but its true. Maybe its because I'm from New York, but I've found countless others who agree. I admit that I'm still angry that New Jersey has been holding the NY Giants hostage for decades. That is just unforgivable. Then they go and pour salt in the wound by claiming that Ellis Island is part of New Jersey. The Supreme Court (one of them) declared that New York has the original Ellis Island footprint while New Jersey has, unsurprisingly, the landfill portions.
My beloved New York ranked number 36 on the list with an overall rating of D. I'm forced to assume that D stands for Decadence. Who am I kidding, I've seen enough episodes of Law and Order (should've never been canceled) to know that the mob is all over. And Elliot Spitzer taught me that all politicians love whores, but I think we already knew that.
More amazing is that Illinois, former home of Rod Blagojevich, ranked 10th overall. Blagojevich, the man who famously said "I'd sell my own office for some whores and an eight-ball" (I may have just made that up). Perhaps Illinois is ranked so highly because he's no longer in charge, but I like to think he just bought 10th place in the survey as a last act before starting his prison sentence.
So here I sit, flabbergasted, living in Massachusetts, a state equally as corrupt as Illinois. Since I can't do anything to make New York less corrupt, my only choice is to make the 35 states that placed above it more corrupt. It's time to get started blackmailing my way into public office. I just need to figure out what the hell a comptroller does.

It's Not Bald, It's Just Thinning A Bit On Top

If you're reading this, then you must be as bored as I am and I appreciate that. I've taken a couple days off to play an absurd amount of video games and visit some family. Ok, mostly play video games. But its a really good game that's not named Mass Effect 3. I'm not going to waste a lot of space going into why Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning is so awesome. Just trust me. I will say this about the game though, you should thank the people of Rhode Island for agreeing to finance it.
Instead I bring you news from Americas heartland, the pointless state that is Wyoming. The US Fish and Wildlife Service recently granted the Northern Arapaho Tribe a permit to kill or capture two bald eagles this year. They say its for the purposes of a religious ceremony but are mum on why they need to kill the birds.
This is a huge symbolic victory for all Native Americans. They will be able to kill the symbol of the very country that forced them off their native lands and onto depressing reservations. This actually brings to mind an interesting conundrum. If reservations are considered sovereign territory (at least enough so to legally build hugely successful casinos), then why does the tribe need permission from the federal government in the first place?
It's still unclear what the eagles are to be used for. I can think of a few applications that are completely horrible and in bad taste. So here are a few:

• Best Buffalo wings ever
• Eat the eagles to gain their powers, assuming that bald eagles have powers. 
• Strap saddles on them and give them to the tribes children to ride
• Attempt to weave eagle toupees 
• Two words: Eagle Jousting

In my opinion, the most interesting thing is the politics involved with obtaining this permit. The Northern Arapaho Tribe is well liked in the tribal community (don't check on this) and was able to charm the Fish and Wildlife Service. The Southern Arapaho Tribe would never have been able to obtain this permit. It is well known that the Southern Arapahos are jerks, assuming they even exist. Look, I'll be honest, I know very little about Native American tribes. I know enough to do an offensive caricature impression of an average tribe member. 

I do know that this is an offensive name and logo, and not
just because they suck.

Honestly, these people live in our own backyards (metaphorically speaking) and most people know nothing about them. They lived here first, they formed complex societies and yet now they exist only on offensive team names. We think of Native Americans as casino owners with alcohol problems. I have no doubt that there will be some form of public outrage at the Northern Arapaho Tribe. Are we trying to protect the symbol of our liberty? Or are we trying to further subjugate a beaten people by forbidding their traditions? 

This post turned heavy pretty quickly. I didn't think I had an opinion on this beyond sarcasm, but I was wrong. If anyone would like to learn more about the complexity of Native American history, try reading 1491: New Revelations of the Americas Before Columbus. 

Til Death Do We Part

Beware the Ides of March. What I should beware about today is the influx of completely unrelated news stories to write about. There's a healthy mix of real news and ridiculous news to report on. Of course, when I say report on I mean re-post other news stories and add some snarky comments. I'm skipping entirely over the insanity that is March Madness, mostly because I don't follow basketball at any level. I've tried to get excited about it but I just don't care. The only thing that interests me about Linsanity is that the Chinese market finally has someone to replace Yao Ming.
So instead I will tell you all about little Til, the (almost) most famous bunny rabbit in the world. Young Til is, or was, a tiny little 17 day old rabbit born in Germany. What made him famous was not his radical proposal to round up all the guinea pigs in Germany to be put in camps. No what made him famous was that he was born without any ears. Lets take a moment to reflect on how cute little Til is.

So cute I want to puke

I'll admit that this is not the first cute animal I've brought you. Speaking of cute animals, Flexxo is currently snoring louder than the TV. It is not Til's adorable nature that brings him to my and therefore your attention. Til made the news today with his sad demise. A cameraman was trying to bring Til to the world when he accidentally stepped on him. Little Til was hiding amongst some hay when the foolish cameraman stepped on him. All reports indicate that Til never heard it coming. Too soon for an earless rabbit death joke?
Lets bring the fun back with news of Flavor Flav, a man who has been called a dead rabbit. Now that Flav's music career is decomposing in the graveyard of irrelevant music, he is moving on the next most logical thing. No, he's not returning to reality TV. No, he's not doing more Pepsi commercials.

Here we see Flav hugging 2 time Super Bowl Champion Coach Tom Coughlin

Flavor Flav is doing perhaps what he was born to do. He's opening a fried chicken and soul food restaurant in Las Vegas. The name? Flavor Flav's House of Flavor. This is the most natural step in the mans career. Honestly, he should have done this decades ago. Right after he chose the name Flavor Flav, he should've gone out, gotten a small business loan, and started a restaurant. Little known fact about him, the gigantic clock he wears around his neck was originally meant to be a pancake, but he kept eating them.
Perhaps I should combine both of these news stories. One about a bunny and another about Flavor Flav and his pancake necklace.

Synthesis complete

But that's not all. I'd also like to bring you a man who truly should beware the Ides of March. No, not Ryan Gosling. He has nothing to fear. I speak of Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois. Today is the day he must report to prison to begin his 14-year sentence. It seems an especially bad omen for a politician to begin a prison term on this of all days. Chances are pretty good he'll be stabbed by a group of 60 men, but it won't be with a knife and it'll be in the showers, not the Theatre of Pompey. Of course I have no sympathy for the corrupt douche of a man. I would give him one piece of advice though: don't drop the soap, those floors are crawling with bacteria.

There is still more awesome ridiculousness I'd like to share with you but I'm getting hungry. I will return later with an in-depth analysis of Syrian president Bashar Al-Assad's iTunes purchases. Preview, he's a big Harry Potter fan.

This Is Gonna Get Hairy

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have exciting news. The future is now. Or the past is now. It's kind of hard to get the right conjugation when we're talking about virtual time travel. Taking a page from Michael Crichton (get it, cause he's a writer), Russian and South Korean scientists have teamed up to bring a woolly mammoth back to life. They plan on cloning embryos from frozen woolly mammoths and implanting them into live elephants.

Its woolly ain't it?

This will result in the most confusing live-birth of all time. I have sympathy for the future mother of the first woolly mammoth in nearly five thousand years. She's expecting a normal healthy baby elephant, only to find that the child she's been carrying for 22 months is hairier than Robin Williams. I imagine this will lead to the first elephant divorce.
The big question in all this is why? Why do we want to bring back woolly mammoths? Are they known for their delicious flavor? Are they more fuel-efficient than a Prius? Can their wool be made into terrific sweaters to sell in Ireland? Do they make good pets? Can a woolly mammoth be house trained? I can keep going with the questions.
I think this is an example of scientists doing science for the sake of science. They're doing it just to see if they can. I applaud the pursuit of knowledge for knowledge sake, but there are a couple flaws in this plan. First of all, because its being implanted and gestating in an elephant, it won't be a pure woolly mammoth. It'll be half woolly mammoth. It won't be woolly, so much as it will cottony. We can still expect it to be big, but I think it'll be much softer and friendlier.

The young Woolly Meatloaf

More important are the potential risks involved in unleashing such a creature on the world. First there's the obvious risk of an increase in wool allergies. Mammoth wool is full of allergens. I assume. But there's also the bigger risk of a woolly mammoth rebellion. Resentful at having been forced back into existence, woolly mammoths will rise up and crush their trainers, leading eventually to the Mammoth Massacre of 2029. 

Not to fear though, the US Navy is already preparing for this eventuality. Following on the heels of the recently unveiled heat ray, the US Naval Research Laboratory is in the development stage of a grenade-throwing robot. Though it is clearly more useful in other applications (fighting rogue woolly mammoths), this new death machine is being designed to fight shipboard fires. SAFFiR, or Shipboard Autonomous Firefighting Robot, will be equipped with cameras, gas and smoke sensors, and fire-suppressing grenades. A fire-suppressing grenade sounds about as useful as a surgical battleaxe, but I'm not a military scientist. 

So after, the rampaging woolly mammoths have been dealt with by the grenade throwing robots, all we have to do is hope the grenade-bots don't become self aware. Though I have no doubt that DARPA is already working on something to fight the self aware grenade-bots. Perhaps by then the world will finally be ready for dogs that shoot bees when they bark.

First try. Needs more dog, less bee

Bonus!

Because I'm flighty and unpredictable, I've decided to write an additional entry in the series entitled "Yeah Right". Todays bonus entry will follow the extremely unlikely event of Jimmy McMillan becoming President of the United States. Who is Jimmy McMillan you might ask?

This guy

Jimmy McMillan has run, unsuccessfully, for mayor of New York City and even senator of New York State. Clearly he has lost all these attempts. Jimmy runs as chairman of the Rent is Too Damn High Party. As you might be able to guess, his primary platform is that the rent is too damn high. So now that you know a bit about our fictional future president, I take you to the future, all the way to the year 2015.

President McMillan has successfully passed measures establishing the nations first rent ceiling. For the first time in decades, the rent is not too damn high. Homelessness has plummeted, and the landlords of America have formed a rival group called the Rent Is Too Damn Low Party. Nobody has any sympathy for them. 

Same-sex marriage has been extended to all states. Despite President McMillan's declaration that "if you want to marry a shoe, I'll marry you", people have not started wedding their clothing. However, sex with ducks is now rampant. Go on, click the link. You know you're curious. I'll wait. 

Not what you though it was huh? Anyway, with all the money being saved on rent, people are putting it towards their childrens education. Literacy rates skyrocket alongside sales of e-readers. SAT scores begin rising steadily. With all of the surplus money, people are eating out more often, leading to the first of the Franchise Wars. By 2015, the only chain restaurants left are Taco Bell and Good Burger.

10 points if you can tell me why Good Burger survived

President McMillan has already begun campaigning for re-election on the new Deficit Is Too Damn High platform. Pundits are predicting his win and have declared his beard the best since Chester A. Arthur.

Those are some good muttonchops

Aliens land in early 2015 and declare their allegiance to President McMillan, assuming that he is King of Earth due to the volume of this voice. Nobody disagrees with them.

Just Lie Back and Think of America

The Daylight Savings induced rage continues. My mojo is still thrown off but not enough to prevent me from bringing you the fourth part of my series entitled "Snowballs Chance In Hell". In this final part, I will take you forward to the year 2015. Historians will look back on this election and wonder, simply, how? Ron Paul is wrapping up his third year as president and the nation has never been more confused.
The United States government is completely bankrupt after the dissolution of the IRS and all income and sales taxes. Borders are open only to money and mail order brides, and they're not going in the direction you think. American mail order brides are flocking to China, having been bought by the Chinese Communist Party in an attempt to balance the gender discrepancy.

Where have I seen this design before?

In early 2013, President Ron "Two First Names" Paul declared war on the moon, conquering it largely unopposed and officially declaring it the 51st state before populating it with the best and brightest.  They all died horribly. Since then, the President has been eyeing Europe hungrily. NAFTA has been replaced by EPFTA (Entire Planet Free Trade Agreement) and MFTA (Moon Free Trade Agreement). North Korea now gets the bulk of its kimchee imported from Hawaii.
President Paul is outed as a racist when he is caught on tape ranting about "those damn honkey's at the Washington Post". However, in an ironic twist of events, the President sue's the Washington Post for taping his conversation without his consent. Much like President Ron Paul himself, the plan was just crazy enough to work and the Washington Post was forced to issue an apology.
The fence on the border of Mexico has been extended to Canada as well. $342 million was spent improving the border from a fence to a wall 30 feet high with ramparts every 100 yards and crenelations running the length so defenders can fire down on anyone attempting a border crossing. Construction has begun on a massive seawall to follow the American coastline as well.
In 2015, aliens from a distant galaxy landed in Virginia. They were promptly shot for not following proper immigration procedures.

I Didn't Save Anything Today

Frickin' Daylight Savings Time! Nature can be a real jerk sometimes. I was woken up at what we all know was really 8, not 9. At least I was woken the best possible way, with bacon. My extremely Good Lady Wife arranged an amazing weekend, capped with breakfast in bed. The Daylight Savings Time change-over is the only pock mark during an otherwise amazing weekend.
The opera was great. I recommend seeing The Barber of Seville. The character of Figaro is awesome and he knows it. I really related to him. Anyway, the Museum of Science was fantastically fun. They had exhibits I could play with. I learned while having fun! For example, I have approximately 13 pints of blood. So, get your own!
Dinner was legendary at Top of The Hub. Nuff said. I eventually slipped into a wonderful food coma only to be so rudely interrupted an hour earlier than expected. This minor inconvenience has to stop. That one less hour has thrown off the rest of the days mojo.
I'll be back with you tomorrow with Part 4: Ron Paul: President of the Internet

The Classiest Weekend of My Life

I really wanted to use this space to examine what America would be like in 2015 if Ron Paul won the presidency. Unfortunately, time will not allow me to today. I'm preparing for a super classy weekend with my good lady wife. Tonight we will be going into Boston to go to opening night at the opera. Yes you just read that right. I have to drop Flexxo off with the in-laws, then pick up my good lady wife, get to the hotel, check in, change, and get to the theatre.
Tomorrow we're going to visit Chinatown of course as well as a museum or two. She has made reservations at what she tells me is the very best restaurant in Boston. My instinct is to guess Sully's Chowder Hall, cause its Boston. I have honestly resisted trying to figure it out.
I will try to bring you the Ron Paul piece as soon as I can, but its taking a back seat to what will be an amazing weekend with my best friend.

This Is Getting Old Thursday

I’d like to take a moment out from my normally snark and snazzle (yes I made that term up) to thank all of you who have read this digital version of chicken scratches. I truly hope you have enjoyed what you have read, I really enjoy writing it. I’m trying really hard to turn this into something I can make money off of. To that end, I ask you to help me get the word out. If you’ve liked what you read, please tell your friends.

And they'll tell two friends and so on on and so on and so on

I’m also very interested to hear your thoughts on whatever I write. Your feedback can help me make this blog suck less. I spend literally minutes every day trolling the internet for current events that I can comment on, but if you have any suggestions of requests, please feel free to drop a comment or an email. Please, I’m so lonely. Now without further ado, I present Part 3 of the 4 part series entitled “For God’s Sake No!”

Today I take you to the year 2015. Newt Gingrich has not only won the Republican nomination but, in an amazing twist of events, he has won the presidency as well. Even after 3 years in office, nobody can explain why he’s named after a weird amphibian.

Kind of cute actually. A cute newt

Fewer Americans than ever have medical insurance since the industry has been completely privatized and de-regulated. Taking the place of ObamaCare is the Newt-Vorce. Insurance to cover the costs of divorce lawyers is now extended to all and proof of retainer of a divorce lawyer is now required to apply for a marriage license. Despite the astronomical divorce rate, more children are being born thanks to the complete abortion ban and closing of all sex education classes. One must attain a license to have sex, and such a license can only be obtained to married couples and high ranking politicians. Las Vegas is now both the wedding and divorce capital of the United States.

The highways continue to crumble as funding is further cut due to a lack of tax revenue. Following the Gingrich Tax Act of 2013, only those making minimum wage or less are required to pay tax. At the higher end of the tax bracket, the US Treasury actually pays out. Borders have been closed and import tariffs drastically raised in an effort to increase American re-investment. This has resulted in a lot of complaining. The literacy rate continues to shrink following the reducing of the US Department of Education to a guy named Ron with a fax machine. SAT scores plummet.

A 2014 campaign to expand the scope of the 2^nd amendment failed horribly, resulting in the deaths of dozens following a shoot-out at a nursery.  Newt falls back to his old scapegoat and blames the resultant deaths on Bill Clinton. In response, Clinton releases an album playing the hits of Motown. He is nominated for Album of the Year.

I Can't Think Of A Title

Part 3, profiling Newt Gingrich will be coming tomorrow. I think today is the perfect opportunity to write about my love for women. It's International Women's Day everywhere except Rick Santorum's Campaign tour bus. This is the day we celebrate women. They get one day a year, two if you count Valentines Day. The rest of the year, its business as normal, barefoot, pregnant and baking something.

She'd better not be wearing shoes

I have a bit of a non-traditional relationship with my good lady wife. She has an awesome job where she wins a lot of bread and brings home a lot of bacon. This allows my unemployed ass to spend my time applying for jobs that I'll never get, write for you, and take care of the house. So in honor of this arrangement, I am currently barefoot with cupcakes in the oven. I'm not pregnant but god knows I'm trying. I'll be a great mom.
Truth be told, I'm completely ok with this. I've learned that I can cook. I got excited at the purchase of a Swiffer. My good lady wife comes home after a long day hunting buffalo or whatever she does, and a gourmet style dinner is on the table. I sometimes surprise her by cooking in only an apron, ass tattoo proudly displayed to the world. Her drawers are always full of fresh clean folded clothes and the dog gets walked constantly.
I think on this International Women's Day, I should be the one celebrated in this household. In fact, I'm gonna start celebrating now by putting on Lifetime and watching a movie starring Valerie Bertinelli. Or maybe Say Yes To The Dress.

Awesome Wednesday

Today I bring you part 2 of my 4 part series entitled "Please God Don't Let These Guys Win" Today I'll be examining the crazy that is Rick Santorum. The Huffington Post recently ran an article about Rick Santorum while he was at Penn State. I learned a few things about him that I like. For example, his college nickname was Rooster, and Rooster liked to chug. He was so good at it, he would teach others. I'm not much for actual journalistic integrity but I want to share this quote from the article with you:

Rooster could beat everyone at beer-chugging, Grasso said. She explained the Rooster technique: "You just open your throat."

So to recap before we go into the future, Santorum's advice for chugging beer is the same as his advice to women. Except for the swallowing.

So here we sit in the year 2015. The population of the United States has soared since the abolition of birth control. The traditional method of pulling out has been hotly debated and condoms are being recycled as medical supply's and tires. Despite the soaring population, there is little to no support for families. Parents are forced by circumstance to take second and third jobs. Or in my case, first jobs.

Women no longer have the right to vote on any issue. Even mail-in polls from Real Simple magazine are outlawed, as it was finally realized that women shouldn't have opinions, let alone be able to express them. Burka's are being imported at an alarming rate while the women's shoe industry has completely collapsed. Nobody buys fancy shoes anymore since women are no longer allowed to wear shoes. 

Fanciest shoe I could find

Sales of bowler hats have tripled and suspenders have officially replaced belts as the march backward continues. Gentlemen are gentlemen again and guns are given away at gas stations with the purchase of every 15 gallons of fuel. 

The abortion debate is over now that it has been completely criminalized. The Right to Life is now called Forced Into Life. No Child Left Behind no longer refers to education. Instead its a constant reminder that we are forced to procreate, which was a great program for the first couple months until 112 million American women simultaneously sent their husbands out to get pickles dipped in peanut butter. 

Speaking of education, schools are more overcrowded than ever. This is not a problem for the newly unified Pepsi-Halliburton National Learning Academy. Math scores are down across the board but American's excel in the flavor-based sciences and patriotism. The Pledge of Allegiance is now 18 minutes long and features several Bible quotes and Nascar endorsements. 

Aliens secretly landed in 2014 but got confused. They thought they hit a time warp and ended up in the 1760's so they went back into orbit to wait a few more years. 

Ochoquatro, Ochochinco, Ochosix

Lady and Gentleman (I'm realistic about the size of my reader base) I report to you today from the world of sport. I don't know if you remember this, but I'm a massive fan of the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. Surprisingly, this has nothing to do with them. Instead I focus on a Patriot not named Brady.
Famed (for some reason) wide receiver Chad Ochocinco was at a charity event in Miami over the weekend when he was peed on by a lion. I'm overwhelmed by how fitting and ridiculous this is. Hold on, I need to hyperventilate into a paper bag.
Ok I'm back. I blacked out and hit my head on the coffee table. That's what this Ochocinco story is doing to me. I mean, he was literally peed on by a lion not named Suh. Even the animal world is sick of him. And how does he respond? Through Twitter of course. I'm reluctant to re-post his tweets cause I'm convinced it will lower the IQ of both of my readers. I will however re-post the responses the Lion tweeted.

"ROFL just peed on 85! I'm like Brady xcept I can hit a receiver!"

To be slightly fair, the lion was marking his territory. I'll spare the acidic-smelling details but cats spray a mist of concentrated urine to mark things as theirs. It's called matriculating or micturating or miniaturizing or something. Essentially, the lion saw Ochochinco and thought to himself "He's mine. He's got a pretty mouth" and claimed him for his own. Maybe now 85 will get his ring. 

In Soviet Russia, Tears Shed You

Why can't I stop writing about Vladimir Putin? Possibly because I found this great picture.

"[He] wept when he saw the breadth of his domain,
for their were no more worlds left to conquer"
- Hans Gruber

Regular Monday

I just heard about this thing called Super Tuesday. So I got out my cape and put my underwear over my pants in preparation. I was halfway through sewing a big D on a shirt when my good lady wife told me it was about politics, not Supermans birthday. That hurt but I still love her. I decided to look into this Tuesday that is apparently superior to other Tuesdays.
I learned that there are these four guys that want to run against Barack Obama for president. Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul all want to be the leader of the free world. I meditated on each of these candidates for upwards of 3 minutes. This resulted in my mind being blasted 3 years into a quantum future, each one dependent on the victory of a different candidate.
So I present you with the first in 4 part series examining what life would be like if each candidate not only won the nomination, but also the presidency.

Part 1 of 4: Mitt Romney
First I need to get this out of the way. His name is Mitt. I don't know what this is supposed to be short for. Maybe his parents were big baseball fans. Also I'm pretty sure they might be named Glove and Gauntlet (get it?)
Ahem, moving on. I take you to the future, all the way to the year 2015. Mitt Romney is president. Futurama has once again been canceled and then brought back by popular demand. The world is a different place. The rest of the United States has gone the way of Massachusetts. National emergencies are called for mild rain and the most popular names for newborns are Sully and Mary.
Obamacare has failed miserably, being replaced with the nearly identical Romneycare. As a nation, America is extremely rich, among the top 1% of the worlds richest nations. Despite our extreme wealth, we are somehow resented by the rest of the world, led by Americas newest enemy, Canada. After centuries of being totally cool, Canada got sick of constantly being compared to Ned Flanders and closed the borders. The first US-Canada war was less than 3 years away.

This means war-diddily-ar!

Communism made a short comeback, toppling several regimes in Southeast Asia. However President Romney quickly quelled the problem by buying the affected countries before it could go any further. Having prevented the Domino Theory from succeeding, President Romney's popularity is surging enough for him to introduce the RomneyCar, a purposely energy-inefficient vehicle designed by the finest car making minds Europe has to buy. Unfortunately, the RomneyCar is deemed a failure due to its poor sales. History will remember it as the most expensive Camry ripoff ever.
Following the trend in Massachusetts, Dunkin Donuts is declared to official beverage of the United States. Starbucks has been bought out by Dunks and there are Shaws located everywhere. Walmart was declared a monopoly under the Sherman Anti-trust Act. Many believe this to have been manipulated by Romney in an effort to further conquer his enemies. Rumors abound that he is saving to buy Russia from Putin.
There is no more middle class as you're either rich or homeless. And if you're homeless, you're really homeless. You not only have no place to live or a job, you're deep in debt. But at least there's a Dunkin' Donuts on every corner and two garages on the Mitt Romneys even bigger version of the White House.

I'm Getting Too Old For This $#!+

I'm waiting for Gotham City Imposters to finish downloading so I figured I'd do a quick follow up to a couple stories.
First, lets get this out of the way, Putin is still King of Russia or whatever title he has now. He won the presidential (should that be capitalized) election and is president once again, except this time for 6 years. So he started his rise to emperor in the KGB, of course becoming head. Then it was a stint as president, followed by his current Prime Minister post. I'm waiting for him to retreat to his moon base before blasting every capitalist dog off the Earth with a giant moon laser. Then its up in the air whether he gets foiled or not. We might need Captain America for real this time.
Second, this weekend I got to spend a month with my niece. First there's the typical jungle gym stuff. Obviously I'm the jungle gym. This was followed by a 45 minute long dance party to Nicki Minaj's Super Bass. Since I'm a prematurely old man, my knees are so frickin' sore. Its true that I have a bad knee stemming from the time I lifted a greyhound bus off an orphaned puppy. That puppy came home with me and has never left. Just lays around and mooches food.
Anyway, the download is finished so I'm going to give this game a shot.

You're Putin Me On

Plans change all the time. I had originally intended on bringing you the story of the Jewish school basketball team who gave up a shot at the championship because the game was on Shabbat. First, its pretty amazing to find a basketball team made up of Jews. We're not tall or athletic. Its true. The most athletic thing we've ever done is build the pyramids. Its impressive but keep in mind that we were slaves in Egypt - avadim hayinu.
Instead I came across a brilliant story brought to us by the great journalistic minds at CNN.com. The headline is promising enough "How Putin Cultivated Strongman Image" until you click it and realize its a photo gallery of Putin in his most casually badass moments, most of which are bare-chested. I have painstakingly assembled my top three to share with you, along with my customary snarky comments.

3.

Here we see Putin examining a tiger, possibly looking for its weak point. The official caption claims that the tiger is tranquilized, but I believe it simply surrendered when it saw Putin. Another fun fact about things surrendering to Putin, he's not actually balding. His hair is simply retreating out of fear.

2.

Here we see Putin firing a crossbow at what I assume is either a 17th century pirate ghost ship or a kraken. Most people in this situation would use the biggest gun they could find, maybe a cannon or something. I think we can all agree that the horrible hell-beast he's aiming at is lucky he decided to use a weapon at all.

1.

Wow. If this were anybody else, I would spend the next paragraph commenting on the homo-eroticism of this photo while inevitably comparing it to Brokeback Mountain. But I honestly am afraid that he will find me and do something horrible to me with his Judo skills. Instead I will comment on how this looks like he's posing for the cover of a romance novel. Here is a sample passage from that novel, ostensibly called Putin on the Ritz

The man called Putin removed his shirt, revealing his taught rippling old 

man chest. The afternoon sun beat down on him as he took a break from

chopping wood to wipe the sweat from his prominent brow. He looked at 

her with wanton eyes that seemed to say "I want you like capitalist pigs 

want more money". She dropped the bucket of fresh milk and went to him, 

embracing him like the West embraced decadence.

I'm not a religious man but I think I need to go to Synagogue to pray that Putin never reads this. Who am I kidding though, Putin doesn't read this blog. Nobody does. And thats the only thing keeping me alive right now. I appreciate it when you share this blog with others, but please make sure Putin doesn't read it. I value life.