Youtube Monday: HAKA!!!

Youtube! Monday! Now that I have your attention, I'd like to welcome you back to Youtube Monday. Many have asked me why I call it Youtube Monday. I have no answer that will satisfy you. And frankly I don't care for your tone. How dare you speak to me in such a manner?! This means war!

I'm just kidding, I harbor you no ill will. I just needed a clever way of introducing todays video. This one is a combination of something annoying and something awesome. I find flash mobs to be annoying 99% of the time. This is the rare 1% when they do it in such a way that is undeniably awesome. The Haka.
What is the Haka you ask? It's a traditional Maori dance often performed during welcome ceremonies, important events and prior to battle. So when you see a group of large Maori men (and women) performing it, they're either welcoming you with open arms or about to charge you and kill your people. More recently, the Haka has been made famous by the New Zealand All Blacks, the most racist and misleading team name in all of rugby. Seriously, most of the players are white. And my proposal to change the name of the San Diego Chargers to the California Honkys was rejected.

Death From The Deep!

Well it's official, the endtimes are upon us and it will come from the sea. If you're a regular reader, which I sincerely hope you are, you might remember last weeks story of a gigantic great white shark caught in the Gulf of Mexico or the plague of armored catfish in South Florida. Today's story is no less terrifying, though it is considerably more delicious.
Fisherman from South Carolina to Texas are reporting increasing numbers of Asian Tiger Shrimp. That doesn't sound too bad, except for the fact that these monsters are cannibals. That's right, giant cannibalistic shrimp are invading our coasts. I bet you're wondering how big these guys are, after all they're still called shrimp. Well, they grow up to 13 inches long, which is big enough to stuff them with crabmeat and breading before baking them.

I know it's a harmful invasive species, but damn that looks tasty

Of course, us humans have nothing to fear from these beasts. I mean, they're still shrimp. But other shrimp are in big trouble. It would be equivalent to thousands of 30 foot tall people landing on our shores and eating us. I'm sure we'd care then.
These monsters are indigenous to Asia and Australia, so how did they find their way to Texas? Well, in 1999 about 2,000 of them were being raised in a shrimp farm in South Carolina when they were accidentally released into the wild. Combine that with the fact that females lay between 50,000 and a million eggs, and you have a crap ton of huge shrimp.
So what is to be done about these tasty monsters from the deep? So far, the answer is very boring. Scientists at NOAA (National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration) want to further research the beasts to determine what impact, if any, they will have on our ecosystem. Who will save us from this new threat from the sea?

This man is our only hope

Mmm...Milk and Cookies

Wow, I've made it to my hundredth post. That's right, 100 posts of nonsensical ramblings. Who would've thought that I had it in me. Of course there was no post yesterday because I was on deaths door. I'm still there but Death won't let me in.
Today's absurdity comes not from China, but South Korea and it features everybody's favorite sandwich like cookie. A recent advertisement in South Korea features what can only be the best baby ever. Or at least the luckiest. Kraft rolled out an ad for Oreo cookies that features a baby breastfeeding while holding an Oreo.

Let's ignore the boob for a minute and appreciate the cleverness of this ad. Yes, it's a bit racy for some, but it made me laugh the first time I saw it. And as any good advertisement does, it successfully made me want both an Oreo and a boob.
Of course there is a logistical problem with this ad. It's pretty hard to dip a cookie into a boob. Go ahead and try it, I'll wait. Did you just end up with a cookie with no milk? Cause that's what happened for me. Clearly the baby has the right idea. First you take a drink of milk, then a bite of Oreo. This may be the smartest baby in the world.
So kudos to you Oreo and South Korea. But more kudos to you most awesome baby in the world. This is an ad that you will be proud of once you're older and you understand what a boob is.

Cat+Fish+Chainmail=Our Doom!

Who would have thought that fish could be so scary. Last week I brought you news of the gigantic shark that was caught in the Sea of Cortez. Now it seems that other sea-demons are making their way into our rivers and lakes. It would seem that there is a new species of catfish invading South Florida's waterways. But catfish aren't scary, they're delicious. Or are they?

That doesn't look so bad

Did I mention that it's an armored catfish? I'm pretty sure I did. They got their name from their impressive blacksmithing skills which allow them to don suits of armor, giving them a +3 bonus to their defense and a +1 bonus to their hitpoints.
These armored catfish are apparently eroding the coasts and digging holes to lay their eggs and ambush hapless humans to take them to their underground dungeons. Furthermore, it's too difficult to catch the bastards. They don't respond to baited hooks, unless it's baited with human flesh I assume. The only way to catch them is with nets or spears.
Yes, spears. It seems counterintuitive that a spear is the best hope against an armored beast from the depths of hell, but it's true. So far there's no word on if the spear must be made of adamantium or dragonbone, but I think it's safe to assume so. I wonder if the introduction of dogfish would have an effect. Get it? Cause dogs chase cats.
Frankly is the rise of these monsters isn't proof that Cthulhu is rising, I don't know what is. I've already resolved to never step foot in non-chlorinated water but now I think I'll avoid all coastlines as well. The last thing I want is to step into an armored catfish hole, break my ankle, and be pulled under by the dark lord of chaos and destruction. God help us all.

Come on and give me a kiss big fella

Youtube Monday: The Young Ones

My friends, I have some sick parents. At a young age, they introduced me to the BBC. Not Masterpiece Theatre or Shakespeare or anything. No, they showed me the crude BBC comedies I have come to love and partially base my life on. Obviously Monty Python, Fawlty Towers and Keeping Up Appearances were in the rotation, but none had quite the impact of a show called The Young Ones.
The Young Ones follows four college students sharing a house in London. Except these are literally the four worst students in all of England. There's Neil, the hippie. Rick, the activist douche. Mike, the cool guy. And my favorite, Viv, the punk. Coming out in 1982, The Young Ones was considered groundbreaking for the time and its still funny. I present to you my favorite scene, which gives a pretty good approximation of the characters and the show. Watch for Mike.

My family has been repeating the fish line ad infinitum for the last 30 years. The general response to the show is either love it or hate it. Or, more frequently, "I don't get it". Hopefully the accents won't trip you up too much, but if you enjoyed this clip, I recommend checking out the rest of the series. Don't worry, like most BBC shows, there's only a dozen episodes.

Jaws 8: The Real Monster

Ok, I have to make this post quick because the Good Lady Wife and I are heading up to Maine for the weekend for some reason. So I will quickly tell you about something truly terrifying. No, not nude pictures of Barbara Streisand, something scarier. No, not nude pictures of Wilfred Brimley. What is it with you and the awkward nude pictures?
Earlier this week, fisherman in the Sea of Cortez were surprised to pull up their nets to find a ginormous great white shark. How ginormous? The monster was 20 feet long and weighed close to a ton. I'll wait a minute while you go change your undergarments.

I assume the blood is Aquamans

To give you a sense of scale, the boat that pulled it up is only 22 feet long. That's right, the beast they brought home was only slightly smaller than their boat. Holy crap, Jaws is back. A beast that size normally exists only in my nightmares, making me believe that my dreams are starting to come true. I have my fingers crossed for the lounge-singer donut with a bow tie.
The truly scary thing is that the leviathan was dead when they brought it up. I take this to mean that there is a creature in the Gulf of Mexico that is larger and more powerful than a 20-foot, 2,000 pound shark. My money is on Cthulhu. What else could kill a great white through fear alone?

I for one welcome our new pan-dimensional overlords

I already had an unnatural fear of sharks and all things aquatic (you ever see a tuna? They're huge). This just validates my fears. I will never step foot in the Gulf of Mexico, not that there was much risk of that to begin with. The thought of Jormungundr swimming around out there makes me want to move to Utah and hide in a closet.
Humans beware: stay on dry land and never ever go in the water. If we were meant to swim, we'd have gills and flippers.

Untitled Blog Post #97: Mel Hates Jews

There are a few simple facts about the world. Bacon is delicious. Thunder is the result of Thor bowling. Republicans are assholes. These are as immutable as the laws of gravity and the state of Kansas (which are ironically incompatible). Every now and then we are reminded of the power of these facts. Like the other day when I made a package of bacon and ate it shirtless in front of the TV.

Oops, wrong bacon

Today we are reminded once again of the level of douchebagery that Republicans are capable of. John Raese is running for senate in Virginia and has of course been traveling around the state giving speeches and scaring babies. In a recent speech, Raese compared a counties indoor smoking ban to certain practices of the Nazi party. In an attempt to illustrate what he perceives as government overreach, he said the following:

But in [this county] now, I have to put a huge sticker on my building

to say this is a smoke-free environment....Remember Hitler used to put

Star of David on everybody's lapel, remember that? Same thing.

Wow. Where to begin? First, Jews weren't forced to wear the Star of David on their lapel, but on their sleeve. That is the least thing thats wrong and awful about his statement. I just want to get the correction out of the way. 

I'm both Jewish and an ex-smoker so I feel like I have a unique point of view on this. The Star of David on our arms was a way of branding the Jews so that they could be picked out more easily. After all, if you try to find a Jew based only on the size of nose, you end up with Adrien Brody. Putting up a sign with line going through a cigarette is far from the same thing.

Overall, I want to discount everything this man says. Past statements he's made have already proven his insanity. Like the time he said the U.S. needed to put 1000 laser systems in the sky to defend against a rogue missile. In case you're wondering what a rogue missile is, its a missile with its own agenda that answers to no man. 

I want to believe that Raeses idiotic statements will cost him the election. He tried running in 2010 but lost then, possibly due to his not being crazy enough. His campaign advisers told him to "crazy it up a bit man", but I think he took it too far. 

As long as I'm on the subject of anti-Semitism, Mel Gibson is back in the news. A couple weeks ago, screenwriter Joe Eszterhas sent an overly long letter accusing Mel of all the things we already know; namely that he is a Jew-hating madman. Well, it gets better. 

There are similar pictures of me

While a guest at the Road Warriors Costa Rican palace, Joe and family were privy to a rant like no other. Joes son recorded the rant and it has since been made available online. Give it a listen if you want to hear the word "fuck" yelled by an Oscar winner at a volume roughly the same as a jet engine. You can listen here as well as read the transcript. 

My favorite part is when he asks if anyone wants to eat. Honestly, it quickly changes from an angry rant to just yelling curses and knocking things over. Its like he's failing to Hulk out and that just makes him madder. Hulk Mad Max!

Danger: Toddler On The Loose

Children. Anyone who has ever dealt with a child, be it their own or someone elses, at some point you want to tie them down to get them to stop jumping up and down on your crotch. Kids are endless bundles of energy and bacteria. It gets worse when a temper tantrum inevitably ensues. There's nothing like a loud tantrum in the middle of a store.
Earlier this week, police in Georgia responded to a call at an elementary school, presumably to break up a teacher/student fight club. Instead they found a 6-year old girl having a tantrum in the principals office. The police tried to calm her down but when that failed, they handcuffed and arrested the little girl.

Apparently, young Salecia Johnson was throwing furniture and breaking shelves. So naturally the police did the only thing they could. Word is she was being fitted for a Hannibal Lecter mask when her parents picked her up at the station. At first she was charged with simple battery, until the police realized that she is 6 years old and decided not to charge her with anything.
There are some repercussions for you Salecia though. She has been suspended from school until August, which I'm sure she will hate. Seriously, doesn't that send the wrong message? At 6 years old, kids are starting to hate school. Now she will associate throwing a temper tantrum with getting 4 months off school.
I will agree that I have wanted to handcuff an unruly child in the past. Especially one that is smacking my head while jumping on my crotch. But the reality of the situation is very different. First, where do you find handcuffs small enough? Second, I find it hard to believe that 2 full grown human police officers couldn't restrain a 6 year old girl.
So far, police are standing by their decision to handcuff a little girl and take her into custody. Normally I like to point out the absurdity of things through sarcasm, but I feel like that would be redundant. Thanking the Georgia police for ending the reign of terror of a 6 year old girl seems like beating a dead horse. I would be going too far to say that I will sleep better tonight knowing that young Salecia Johnson has finally been captured.
I hope her parents do two things. First, ground the hell out of Salecia for throwing such an epic tantrum. Second, they should sue either the school, the police or both for excessive force. Third, they should give me a cut of the damages.

Hillary, Interrupted

What happens in Cartagena, stays in Cartagena. Unless you're the Secretary of State and her Secret Service detail. Last weekend, while I was sleeping on my parents pull-out sofabed, Hillary Clinton was in Colombia for some sort of summit about something. But summits don't take all day. Unless they do. Honestly, I barely know what a summit is.
Anyway, Hil-Dog went out to blow off some steam where these photos were taken.

She called Rick Santorum for advice on chugging

A quick glance at the table reveals that Hill-Giant knows what she's doing. She knows that if you want to drink all night, you have to have some water with you to dilute the booze. She is in for the long haul. I presume that the people around her are chanting "Chug Chug Chug!" while pounding their hands on the table.

Nobody puts Hil-Dog in a corner

Her belly full of Colombian beer and her brain swimming in also Colombian beer, Hils took to the dance floor. I'm assuming, with no corroborating evidence, that she danced the night away and won not one, but two dance contests. Anyone who knows New York politics knows that Hillary won the senate seat by breakdancing.
Admittedly, I'm already a fan of Mrs. and Mr. Clinton. I voted for Hil-Dog for senate and for president so I might be a little biased, but how could anyone not love her now? If her adventures while texting weren't enough to win you over, I sure hope her wild nights in Colombia will. You go Hils, you go.
Unfortunately while she was partying the night away, members of the Secret Service detail were off having their own good time. It is being reported that 11 Secret Service agents spent the night partying with some whores, even bringing them back to their hotel. Although honestly, where else would you bring a hooker? The agents have since had their clearance revoked and will likely lose their jobs as well. Frankly Hillary Clinton is lucky that their debauchery eclipsed hers because her night of fun is beloved while theirs is illegal. I think we can assume that cocaine was involved as well because its Colombia and there were prostitutes.
So the lesson here is that if you work for the State Department or Secret Service, you should avoid Colombian hookers and newspaper reporters.

Youtube Monday: The Day You've All Been Waiting For

Well its the beginning of a new week and we all know what that means. Time to cry in the bathtub while listening to The Talking Heads. Also Youtube Monday. It's a holiday here in Massachusetts. It's called Patriots Day and I'm told it has nothing to do with the football team that keeps getting beaten by Eli Manning and the NY Giants. What does this mean for you? Nothing.
Anyway, this weeks gem is one of my all-time favorites and I'm shocked to see that it doesn't have 18 million views. A few years ago, Mike Henry, voice of Cleveland Brown put together a sketch called Kicked In The Nuts. Its exactly what you think it is. It is the crudest form of humor, but I'll be damned if it doesn't crack me up every time.

If you want to justify enjoying it, it is a bit of an indictment of peoples obsessions with fame and television. Every single victim went from angry to overjoyed when they learned they would be part of a  TV show. There, I justified it for you. You're welcome.
Incidentally, I present you with a picture of Mike Henry and the character he's known for playing, Cleveland Brown.

Note the resemblance 

Aliens+Dinosaurs=Awesome/Crazy

I learned something new today. Two things really. First, I learned that Flexxo is a mischievous little bastard who will steal my wallet out of my jeans, either for beer money or cause he likes to chew on leather.
The other thing I learned is that scientists can be crazy too. Dr. Ronald Breslow, professor of chemistry at Columbia University published a paper in the Journal of the American Chemical Society's March 25 issue. It had the seemingly innocuous and boring title of Evidence for Likely Origin of Homochirality in Amino Acids. But the title belies the insanity within.
I'll spare you from having to read the entire thing, cause I'm not going to either. But in a statement, Dr. Breslow himself said that if life forms do exist on other plants, they "could very well be advanced versions of dinosaurs", potentially more intelligent than humans.

Artists rendering of alien dinosaurs. Not pictured: the mama

There is some amount of logic in his argument. Not much but some. For years, scientists have speculated that amino acids on Earth came via meteorites around four billion years ago, sparking life and evolution and Jon Hamm. Seems kind of plausible to me. It takes a nosedive however when Dr. Crazypants speculates that mammalian supremacy only occurred because of the Chicxulub asteroid destroying all the dinosaurs.
He then goes on to say that if life evolved on a planet similar to ours but with no cataclysmic rock falling from the sky, then beings that he describes as "probably advanced lizards (dinosaurs)". So not only do we have to contend with aliens, but they're dinosaurs too.
Imagine the likely war between us and them. We're flying our awesome F-18's and they're getting knocked down by bipedal dinos from the sky. Our tanks getting crushed by their triceratops-piloted war machines. Our bullets unable to penetrate their thick hides while their laser rifles melt our mammalian frailty.
The fact that this is all coming from a professor at Columbia University makes me glad I didn't pursue my Masters degree there. Or anywhere. I think his statements immediately discredit the institutions that granted him his degrees. This is the kind of sci-fi insanity that belongs in the sacred texts of Scientology.
I will admit that it is heartening to know that its not just idiots like me who are crazy enough to believe in alien dinosaurs. Actually, I don't really believe in alien dinosaurs, but I will admit that it would be awesome if they were real.

Babies on Ice!

What is with all these zombies? As we all know, last week was Easter, or as its also known Zombie Jesus day. Now there's a story coming out of Argentina about a zombie child. Last week in Buenos Aires, a woman named Analia Bouter gave birth to a little girl 3 months premature. 20 minutes after birth, the little girl was declared dead and placed in a tiny coffin.
Pretty tragic start to things huh? Not to worry though. 12 hours later, Analia and her husband were allowed into the morgue to say goodbye. The grieving parents opened the coffin for a final look when they heard a cry and saw the girl move. After immediately voiding their bowels, the baby was rushed to the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). The baby was ice cold.

This kept popping up when I searched for "ice" and "baby"

It has been a week since zombie girl returned from the dead and she's doing just fine. Like most premature kids, she will spend some time in the NICU as a shriveled rubber chicken before coming home. Interestingly, the hospital immediately issued a death certificate but has yet to issue a birth certificate. I think it would be hilarious to wait until she dies at the ripe old age of 88 to issue her birth certificate. It just seems fitting.
On a personal note, I can say from experience that being born premature can lead to awesomeness. My adorable precocious niece was born roughly 2 months premature. She spent several weeks in an incubator, as she was not finished cooking yet. Now, she is five years old and a superstar. She potty trained herself, speaks nine languages, ran the Boston Marathon, and is currently working on her Masters degree in applied polymerization techniques. She makes the rest of us look bad by comparison.
So it's not always bad to be born premature, declared dead, and then declared alive. Besides, zombie babies are cute.

I'm adorably eating brains

The Red Scare Is Back Baby!

About five minutes after I posted my last piece I saw the news the Rick Santorum has suspended his campaign, effectively ending his bid for the presidency. All I can say to this is thank god. You may remember the four part piece I did a few weeks predicting what America would be like if one of the Republican candidates went on to win the presidency. Part 2 featured Rick Santorum and showed us the horror that would be the future with him as our leader.
Normally I would take this and run with it, speculating wildly on how this would allow previously unknown dark horse candidate Mike Honcho to firm up his position as the number two candidate and potentially securing the position of Vice Presidential nominee. Who is Mike Honcho you ask?

This is Mike Honcho

I ruminated on what direction to take Rick Santorums withdrawal from the race. My Good Lady Wife assures me that he is likely to run again in the next election due to his suspending his campaign instead of ending it. She tells me that if a candidate suspends his campaign, he doesn't have to return the money that has been donated, he can simply hang on to it until the next try. Mitt Romney did this in 2008.
Instead I'm going to focus on another story, one that is so awesomely ridiculous I had to check my calendar to see what year I was in. Then I was told time travel while sleeping is currently impossible. At a town hall event in Jensen Beach, Florida yesterday, Rep. Allen West (R-Fla.) claimed that upwards of 80 member of the Democratic party are secretly communists.
That's right, according to Mr. West roughly 42% of House Democrats are members of the Communist Party. All I have to say about this is, damnit! I thought we were keeping the secret better than that. Yes I am a registered Democrat (because I don't hate the poor) and yes I have portraits of Lenin, Marx, Stalin, Mao, and Castro in my bedroom. I sleep better with their watchful eyes guarding my dreams against decadence.
It has taken decades of work to embed ourselves in the American system. We faked the fall of the Berlin Wall specifically to lull watchful Republicans into a false sense of security. President Obama even subliminally planted the idea that Republicans are the real Commies with his "Red State, Blue State" speech. But the truth is out now.

The only difference is that Commies love freedom

Damn the brilliant investigative mind of Allen West! He has set back our cause at least a decade. At this rate we'll never crush capitalism. At this point I'm just waiting for a plucky young Demo-communist to reveal that over 40% of the Republican party are members of the Nazi Party.

Follow Up: You've Gotta Be Kidneying Me

Holy followup Batman! Last Friday I brought you the story of a Chinese teen who sold his kidney for some Apple products. To recap, young Wang Xiansheng (Chinese for Mr) sold his kidney for 22,000 RMB in order to buy an iPhone and an iPad. Now, Wang is going through renal deficiency. That's medical speak for "one kidney too few".
Anyway, charged have finally been brought on those involved who still have all their kidneys. They are currently being charged with intentionally injuring another person but I would imagine there are some more on their way. China officially outlawed the trading of human organs in 2007, meaning that if Apple had rolled out the iPad in 2006, it'd be totally legal.

What I think black market organ deals look like

No word yet on if Wang will see any charges. Given that this is the same country that used to charge the families of executed criminals for the cost of the bullet, I wouldn't be terribly surprised to hear that Wang is under arrest for not paying taxes on his kidney sale, or with promoting Western decadence. I'm being colorful of course, but I wonder if having one kidney is punishment enough for his stupidity and complete lack of priorities.
This has made me do some serious soul-searching. What products would I sell a kidney for? It's a tough call to make. What is there that I want so badly but can't afford? Besides my electricity bill. I really want an iPad, but not enough to sell an organ for. I guess I could use a new car. Something fuel efficient with a big backseat.

I'd totally sell a kidney for a Prius

So while Wang spends the rest of his probably shortened life judging his health by the power of his stream, the other five get to keep their kidneys. There are a lot of alarming elements to this story. The fact that Wang's priorities were so messed up that the first thing he could think of to use with kidney-sale money was an iPad reflects a serious lack of realistic needs (as in touchscreen over rent).

Then there is the amount of people involved. As of now, only 5 have been arrested and charged but there was an entire medical team involved in this, not to mention the buyer. And then there's the overlooked fact that this kidney sale took place in April of last year. The story took a year to break and then just as long for those criminally responsible to even be charged. That means that for the last 12 months, they were free to continue transplanting organs. 

This leaves me with an even bigger question. Where am I supposed to go to get my new kidneys? Mine work just fine, I just like to have a few extra on hand, just in case. They're fun to throw at vegetarians.

Youtube...Monday?

What's this? Youtube Monday? Yep after tireless research and pouring through polling data, I've decided to move Youtube Tuesday to Monday. I originally thought of calling it Youtube Tuesday Monday, but I was told that might cause some confusion. So I moved to a new city, changed the name to Youtube Monday and started anew.
This week's gem really is a...umm...gem. This is from the more obscure Mel Brooks movie To Be Or Not To Be and was only on the soundtrack. It got a good response and a video was filmed for it. This is that video. I'll admit to having not actually seen the movie, but if its anything like this, I just might make time for it.

Mel Brooks is the only person on the planet to be able to do this. If literally anyone else, including Hitler, tried to do this song and dance, they would be condemned. Well if it was Hitler, he'd probably be condemned either way. Mel Brooks is a comedy god. I'm going to go watch Blazing Saddles because he's so awesome.

Jesus The Passover Zombie

Why is it I can't go a week without talking about zombies? The answer, cause zombies are awesome. This is week is different though, as we celebrate the world's most popular zombie holiday, Easter. This year is a rare one, with Passover and Easter falling at the same time. From what I know about both holidays, I've developed what I feel is an accurate portrait of events. I call it the Story of Jesus the Passover Zombie.

You don't start off life as a zombie

Jesus was living in Egypt when the Pharaoh decreed that all bearded Jews must be sacrificed to the Egyptian god Rahpotepotep or something. So Moses, who used to share a studio apartment with Jesus, went to Pharaoh and told him no dice and demanded his people be set free. Pharaoh laughed and started pelting Moses with crocodiles.
So Moses went home and cried about it until Jesus came over with a sixer of PBR. Jesus told him of this burnout he knows named George and how he managed to get out of his contract with the Pharaoh. Basically, George pranked Pharaoh until he gave in. Together, Jesus and Moses developed a plan to prank the hell out of Pharaoh in increasingly odd and eventually disturbing pranks. It should be noted that later versions translate prank as plague.
A few of them were easy, mostly involving hucking frogs and locusts at Pharaoh when he watched ancient Egyptian reality TV. Others proved more challenging. For the prank of darkness, Jesus and Moses, along with the apostles, and a bunny went around blowing out candles and secretly putting blindfolds on everyone. You don't want to know what that bunny had to do for the cattle disease prank.
They were all gathering at a local Applebees when Pharaoh's men came for Jesus. He apparently owed a ton of grain for back-taxes and parking tickets. This is where the story gets a little hazy. Its clear that Jesus was thrown in jail and was killed brutally, but the order is not clear. Scholars suggest that he was killed in jail for refusing to be anyones bitch. Other scholars agree with this.

Right there buddy

So anyway with Jesus dead, Moses and the gang had to carry on in his spirit. Over the next 3 days, they were churning out the pranks. The Torah only speaks of ten, but there were literally dozens of pranks. Not all are worth mentioning though. Hiding all the Pharaoh's toilet paper and sneaking laxatives into his wine might be funny, but it doesn't play well in religious texts.
Then one night, Jesus appeared to Moses as he slept. He complimented the short-sheeting of Pharaohs bed, calling it "ballsy" and went on to work out the final prank with Moses. What Pharaoh never knew was that killing Jesus only makes him more powerful than he could imagine. So the next day, Moses went to Pharaoh, demanding his peoples freedom. Again Pharaoh laughed in his face and called him so very anti-semitic names. Moses promised that the first born sons of all Egyptian families shall be eaten by Zombie Jesus. Pharaoh did not believe in Zombie Jesus.

Ever notice how much Moses looks like Mel Brooks?

That evening all the Jewish families prepared by smearing their doors with lambs blood. Moses knew that Jesus never ate lamb after he had to slaughter his pet lamb Chester. Even the smell of lamb was enough to evoke strong feelings in him. During the night Moses stayed up listening to the sounds of screams as parents discovered Zombie Jesus had come for their sons.
Pharaoh awoke to find his son dead in his bed, half eaten. It may have been true that he always felt his son was a disappointment, but he was still devastated. Pharaoh called Moses, horrified at the escalation, to tell him his people were free. Moses immediately gathered his crew and headed into the desert, with Zombie Jesus covering his escape.
While Moses was leading the Jews through the desert, Zombie Jesus held off the Egyptian forces. It got easier for Zombie Jesus, as standard zombie rules still applied. If you get bitten by Zombie Jesus, you turn into a Zombie savior. As the generations of biting move further from the original bite by Zombie Jesus, the person becomes less of a savior. And that's how we have Christians today.
So that's the story of Zombie Jesus, the Hero of Passover. Made possible only by the rare occurrence of both holidays on the same weekend. Oh yeah, and Pharaoh drowned in his pool shortly after Moses and the Jews left.

I'd Give My Right Kidney For An iPad

I feel like I haven't brought you any stories of good old Chinese ridiculousness in a while so here we go with a couple great ones. This is going to be a challenging article to write as its around lunchtime and I'm already thinking about dumplings. First a little background is needed. China has the Xinhua New Agency, state-owned and the leviathon in the pond.
Anyway, Xinhua is reporting a story coming out of Hunan province. A 17 year old boy sold his kidney to buy an iPhone and an iPad. The boy called Wang really wanted in on the Apple trend. He wanted to be one of those cool people you see on the bus playing an awesome game, perhaps about unhappy birds, while talking really loudly to their cool friends who also have iPhones. I am one of those people, except I don't ride the bus.

Couldn't find a related pic so, all glory to the Hypnotoad

Anyway, enough of my luck with phones, this kid Wang is having some kidney problems now. Predictable as he only has one and presumably is an alcoholic now to deal with the fact that he didn't wait for the iPhone 4S. I could go on about how this is a truly disturbing example of popular consumer culture having a clear and literal negative effect on a persons well-being. And how it's awful that instead of saving money to pay for healthcare or food, his first and only thought was a trendy new phone.
Instead I'm going to make sarcastic remarks. Remarks like, I knew iPhones were expensive but I didn't know they cost an arm, a leg, and a kidney. If he had sold his appendix, would he have gotten an Android phone? What can he get for selling part of his liver? Is his iTunes account MissmyKidney@me.com?
Can he now call this people and order some whale meat? I actually found this next article a few weeks ago but just haven't been able to find the time to work it in. It starts off simply enough, with 4 whales beaching themselves and dying in Jiangsu province. If I had a nickel for every time I've said that, I still wouldn't have much money cause its only nickels.

Gotta truck this baby out to the beach

The natural response to a beached whale is to try to get back into the water. Not necessarily to save its like, but to get it the hell off the beach before it starts really stinking. Given that whales are really heavy, like heavier than 10 fat chicks, this is a difficult process and often takes days to get the right tools and machinery.
Meanwhile, why let that meat go to waste? That's right, it was only a matter of time before locals showed up to start carving up that meat. I've chosen not to show you pictures of the whale all butchered up. You're welcome.
Much like the above story, I'm flooded with questions. Is there that much of a food shortage in Jiangsu that people need to meat-riot a whale? What does whale taste like? Are all whale cookbooks in Inuit? Can I substitute whale for tilapia? What's the best way to cook a whale? Is there a barbecue big enough for the task?

Snakes Really Do Fly Commercial

Hollywood! Now that I have your attention, Hollywood! Today I bring you a story inspired by fake events .In a perfect example of life imitating art, we have the story of an Australian flight, doomed to repeat he greatest Samuel L. Jackson film of all time. That's right, the pilot of this plane had to fight a super-intelligent shark. 

So thats how Nick Fury lost his eye

Sorry, I got my movies mixed up. I meant to say that an Australian pilot was forced to do an emergency landing when he glanced down and saw a mothaf***in' snake on his mothaf***in' plane! There was a five foot long golden tree snake in the cockpit. I quick wikipedia search will tell you that these snakes are non-venomous and have the ability to glide, earning the nickname the flying snake. I'm glad for the non-venomous part but the flying part is enough to make me never go to Australia, or Monster Island as its also known.
The plane has since been grounded until they find the snake. But in the search so far they've also found a green tree frog, a minotaur, 2 baby krakens and a crapload of peanuts. My theory is that this flying snake flew onto the plane during takeoff because even it was tired of living in the deathtrap that is Australia.

So long suckers!

My advice is to avoid Australia at all costs, where even if you try to leave, the environment is still going to try to kill you. Don't try taking a boat out either, or box jellyfish will swarm your boat and shout racist insults at you.

Updated: Six Reasons Why The Hunger Games Is Not Twilight

I'm doing something rare today. No, I'm not sacrificing a small animal to all powerful Atheismo. That's not that unusual for me. Instead I'm going to revisit the mildly popular piece, Top Three Reasons Why The Hunger Games Is Not Twilight. I will be adding three more reasons, bringing the total up to six. This has forced me to rethink the order of things, so they might be in a different order than you remember.

6) There are fewer books so we can hope that translates to fewer movies.
Let's face it, like with the Harry Potter franchise, we all get annoyed when filmmakers split a book into two parts. It's clearly an attempt to draw out the series and make more money off of it. I still have not seen either part of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, partially out of protest, partially out of disinterest.
I think we can all agree that literally the last thing the world needs is more Twilight movies, yet I can't fight this feeling that it'll somehow be extended further. The Hunger Games is the first book in a trilogy and after the amount of money its made, we can been guaranteed that the other two will be made into movies.
The Twilight "Saga" is four books, a number that Hollywood can't comprehend. It's a fact that the number 2 is the only even number in Hollywood. Street addresses are confusing. It had to be either three or five movies. I voted for three. I lost the vote.
Just as a point of reference, Hollywood has done this with great books too. The Godfather was actually one book, not 2 movies and a third unnecessary one.

5) You know from the very beginning that almost everyone is going to die.
With a story about 24 teenagers who are forced to kill each other, you know that at least 23 of them are going to die (Spoiler: 22 die instead - curveball!). With 24 teenagers to choose from, its almost guaranteed that they'll be one who closely resemblances that guy you hated in high school. Personally, I hated everyone in high school, including myself so its hard to pinpoint who I hate the most.
You get to watch the cathartic glory of your old enemies death without the legal repercussions. Unless the person you hated was Katniss. Then you're outta luck.

4) There are actual political and social undertones in The Hunger Games.
That's right, if you look for it, The Hunger Games is actually about the dangers of conformity and life under an oppressive totalitarian regime. It's even reasonable to find indictments of slave labor. The citizens of the districts have to choice in what they do. If you're from District 12, you work in a mine. If you're from District 1, you work in a Starbucks. Maybe, I don't really remember what they're specialty was, other than being dicks.
There was commentary on class divisions and the inequalities of wealth. Once the games begin, the so-called Career Tributes take an instant lead, having had the wealth to train for the games their whole lives. It took a scrappy survivor from the crappiest district to turn that on its head.
Twilight however, centers on the impossible choice an unattractive girl must make, between an effeminate vampire who sparkles or an effeminate werewolf who sheds. Probably. I lost interest just typing that sentence. I can't even imagine sitting through the books or the movies. Sparkly vampire or emo werewolf. What a choice. She'd be better off killing herself and hooking up with a zombie. That would be kinda cool.

Like most marriages, they grew to resent each other and
communicate only through dead-eyed stares

3) Inevitably, kids will want to dress like their movie heroes and reenact scenes.
Also inevitable is the fact that ragged teens running through the woods shooting Nerf guns at each other is infinitely more awesome than dressing like tools, putting on white face paint and pretending at weddings. Personally, I can picture myself in the woods with a group of friends, "hunting" each other down. I can also picture getting asked to leave for taking it too far.
Plus the kids playing Hunger Games will probably leave their shirts on, not exposing their pasty "chests" and leaving a path of sparkles. Seriously, have you ever tried to clean up sparkles? It's impossible, they get everywhere. Everyone knows when I spent the evening crying at a strip club cause I come with puffy eyes and sparkles all over me.

2) The female protagonist is actually attractive this time.
Lets face it, Kristin Stewart looks like her skull decided to stop forming halfway through. She has the opposite problem of Barbara Streisand, she doesn't have enough of a nose. I'd talk about her skin but she doesn't have any, she has a thin layer of cellophane. Though admittedly, they might play up her translucence for the movie and I understand that.
Jennifer Lawrence however is attractive. She looked good in X:Men First Class when she was all in blue.

The dead eyes are a bit creepy though

You know you're hot when you're cast to play a younger version of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. If you look closely, you'll notice that her face has rounded features, instead of jagged edges. Whats more, when she smiles her teeth are not terrifying.

1) As I mentioned above, you get to watch 22 teenagers die.
If you're anything like me you hate teenagers. And its not just because I'm a grumpy old man. I hated teenagers when I was a teenager. The theory is that I was born a 52 year-old man named Saul who is living a Benjamin Button life. But I still hate teenagers. They're obnoxious and loud and constantly encroaching on my way of life. I'm the obnoxious, loud one damnit.
But seriously, teenagers constantly annoy me solely with their presence and I relish the opportunity to watch them kill each other. I just wish it was more creative like in Battle Royale, the original teen free-for-all. In fact that's the only problem I have with The Hunger Games. It was already released 10 years when it was called Battle Royale. Go watch it.

Youtube Tuesday The Third, Esq.

Welcome to the Third Memorial Youtube Tuesday here at the Dave Samson Show. Been a pretty wild ride huh? Remember last week when we shared the fun of The Wicker Man Comedy Trailer. This week we visit the glorious country of India for a look at what they call a music video. As you might expect it features literally hundreds of people dancing and at least one occurence of a woman peeking out from behind a tree.
But this one comes with a twist. There is a genius named Buffalax (the child of Greek hero Ajax and a buffalo wing I presume) who found this video and added what he thinks it sounds like in English. You really should know that the subtitles are not a translation, only what it sounds like. Enjoy, we'll be back after the video.

That video covers literally all the stereotypes of Bollywood. You go Indian Lorenze Lamas. To be fair though, it is eerily similar to how I wooed my Good Lady Wife.

Top 3 Reasons The Hunger Games Is Not Twilight

Well, I still feel like a can of smashed assholes thats been run over by a steamroller. I've been looking around the internet and I can't seem to find anything to write about. That is, until I saw that The Hunger Games came in 1st for the second weekend. Thats pretty impressive considering that it was up against an Sam Worthington effects-driven action movie and Julia Roberts' latest piece of forgettable irrelevance.
This alarmed me at first. For some reason my mind went straight to Twilight. I was worried that The Hunger Games was already turning into another Twilight. The world is bad enough with one Twilight, another one would result in mass suicides. Therefor I present the Top 3 Reasons The Hunger Games Is Not Twilight...
3) The female protagonist is actually attractive this time. Lets face it, Kristin Stewart looks like her skull decided to stop forming halfway through. She has the opposite problem of Barbara Streisand, she doesn't have enough of a nose. I'd talk about her skin but she doesn't have any, she has a thin layer of cellophane. Though admittedly, they might play up her translucence for the movie and I understand that.
Jennifer Lawrence however is attractive. She looked good in X:Men First Class when she was all in blue.

The dead eyes are a bit creepy though

You know you're hot when you're cast to play a younger version of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. If you look closely, you'll notice that her face has rounded features, instead of jagged edges. Whats more, when she smiles her teeth are not terrifying.
2) You know from the very beginning that almost everyone is going to die. With a story about 24 teenagers who are forced to kill each other, you know that at least 23 of them are going to die (Spoiler: 22 die instead - curveball!). With 24 teenagers to choose from, its almost guaranteed that they'll be one who closely resemblances that guy you hated in high school. Personally, I hated everyone in high school, including myself so its hard to pinpoint who I hate the most.
You get to watch the cathartic glory of your old enemies death without the legal repercussions. Unless the person you hated was Katniss. Then you're outta luck.
1) As I mentioned about you get to watch 22 teenagers die. If you're anything like me you hate teenagers. And its not just because I'm a grumpy old man. I hated teenagers when I was a teenager. The theory is that I was born a 52 year-old man named Saul who is living a Benjamin Button life. But I still hate teenagers. They're obnoxious and loud and constantly encroaching on my way of life. I'm the obnoxious, loud one damnit.
But seriously, teenagers constantly annoy me solely with their presence and I relish the opportunity to watch them kill each other. I just wish it was more creative like in Battle Royale, the original teen free-for-all. In fact that's the only problem I have with The Hunger Games. It was already released 10 years when it was called Battle Royale. Go watch it.

Noooooooo!

Apparently, its April 1st. I had no idea since I spent the last 24 hours in bed, having confusing fever dreams and sweating profusely. Honestly, a normal Sunday. I wish I had stayed in bed because when I woke up and started reading the news, I was mortified by what I read. Two Time Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning has been traded to the Indianapolis Colts in exchange for their first round draft pick and a few other picks over the next couple years. Why god why?
The Colts had their Manning and they blew it. Word of this secret deal broke late last night but as I said earlier, I had a fever of 108 (might have been less) and thought the dog was a Roomba.

The worlds first animal android hybrid. Bow to it

I dug up a quote from Eli giving his reasons for the move. However, if you're like me there is no reason good enough.

After playing really intensely lately, freedom of options lifts souls.

I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. If this is what Eli really sounds like, then maybe the move is for the best. I just can't believe the Giants would take such a chance on a new quarterback when they have a champion already. It's bad enough that we already lost Mario Manningham and Brandon Jacobs. Osi Umenyiora is in danger of leaving if they don't pay him. 

I'm starting to think that either my fever has caused me to hallucinate this trade or my illness, combined with Eli's exit, is a sign of the end of times. I can't believe the Mayans had it right. Jerks.